Disqus - Latest Comments for thatwouldhavebeenperfect

Re: Martha says we are defined by our high school elective. What was yours?

Paul Awesome — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 14:39:34 -0000

AP Studio Art

Re: i've never heard of you. - Hey guys. I need a new phone, ‘cause even though I...

Paul Awesome — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 15:07:18 -0000

I recommend the LG VX8350. It’s a good plain phone and it is the sequel to the LG VX8300, which is your previous phone and is considered the best phone Verizon’s ever offered. Also, it is available in two colors so we won't mix them up in our dwelling.

Re: i've never heard of you. - Obama's Transparent Presidency: Weekly YouTube Addresses

Paul Awesome — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 08:39:58 -0000

lol Another single-issue voter. Also by this logic, no one at all should take communion because attending church is intrinsic support of the butt raping of alter boys.

Re: i've never heard of you. - I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I...

Paul Awesome — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 08:37:01 -0000

And then she killed herself.

Re: i've never heard of you. - betterthancupcakes: Did anyone else read this book...

Paul Awesome — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 12:26:05 -0000

Go back to Mexico.

Re: 15 reasons Mr. Rogers was best neighbor ever

Paul Awesome — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 11:16:17 -0000

Mr. Rogers molested me.

Re: i've never heard of you. - wideonparty: BONUS! OMGOMGOMG

Paul Awesome — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 15:42:01 -0000

At first I was all, "OMG, NSFW." But then I realized that there's no way anyone could ever be scolded for staring at this picture and imagining Paul Rudd's hard tube of sex meat.

Re: i've never heard of you. - Hey y’all: What’s your favorite euphemism for the...

Paul Awesome — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 13:40:43 -0000

John Thomas

Re: i've never heard of you. - Hey y’all: What’s your favorite euphemism for the...

Paul Awesome — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 13:13:48 -0000

Hard tube of sex meat.

Re: i've never heard of you. - Rahm Emanuel: Our History’s Most Boner-Inducing...

Paul Awesome — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 14:22:33 -0000

I demand credit for this.

Re: So, wait.

Paul Awesome — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 11:09:01 -0000

"AMERICA: NEVER FAILING TO DISAPPOINT"

Never failing to disappoint. Right. Because this is the only thing that happened yesterday.

Re: Providence, Rhode Island: 8:27 a.m.

Paul Awesome — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 08:54:48 -0000

Apparently, homeboy makes six figures.

Re: i've never heard of you. - Hey, do you want to cry tears of sadness and,...

Paul Awesome — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 16:19:25 -0000

tl;dnr

Re: i've never heard of you. - Hey Rhode Islanders: Last chance to phone bank for...

Paul Awesome — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 10:00:16 -0000

When I read, "Hey, Rhode Islanders," I can hear it only in the voice of Ray Charles. Followed, of course, by, "Where else can you buy a DREAM for a DOLLAR??"

Re: i've never heard of you. - Um, sick day, yessssssss!

Paul Awesome — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 08:20:53 -0000

I've taken sick days specifically to watch Saved By The Bell. But not The College Years. That show was a five-month-long displeasure cruise on the S.S. FAILBOAT.

Re: i've never heard of you. - Let’s play “Movies I’ve Never Seen, Much To The...

Paul Awesome — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 16:36:18 -0000

After our heroes clapped up the Death Star, the Empire got super, super pissed off and like octupled their efforts to find and crush the Rebel Alliance. The rebels make their base on the remote planet of Hoth, which is basically like if Antarctica was an entire planet. On Hoth, Han Solo has remained with the rebels, but he announces that he’s gotta bounce because there’s still a bounty on his head. See, he owes a shitload of credits to Jabba the Hutt -- who is the leader of what is essentially the Mafia in the galaxy -- and if he doesn’t go pay his debt to Jabba, he’s gonna get whacked. Actually, they dealt with this a little bit in the first movie, but it doesn’t really go anywhere in that episode, so I skipped over it. It becomes important in this movie though, so there ya go. Anyway, Han was gonna leave but Commander Skywalker (Luke) hasn’t come back from his patrol mission on time, so Han delays. It turns out that while on patrol, Luke got jacked by a Wampa (basically an abominable snowman). Luke escapes the Wampa but is injured and alone in the snowy wilderness. He sees a vision of Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan tells Luke to travel to the planet Dagobah and find the Jedi teacher, Yoda. Soon after, Han finds Luke and brings him back to safety. Luke actually needs saving a lot in these movies. He’s kind of a big puss. Meanwhile, Darth Vader has been sending out probes everywhere in the galaxy, and eventually he discovers the rebel base on Hoth. The Imperials send down a shitload of troops and attack the rebels. The rebels fight back pretty good, but the Imperials overwhelm them and bust up their shit. Han, Leia, Chewbacca, and 3PO bounce in the Falcon, but the Falcon’s equipment is fucked up so they can’t get away clean past the all the enemy ships. Han pilots straight into an asteroid field and everyone WTFs because it certainly means curtains for them. A couple of TIEs pursue them but those all end up crashing into asteroids and sploding. Han Solo is the shit, though, so he’s able to break out without getting himself and his running crew killed. Meanwhile, Luke takes R2-D2 and heads for Dagobah in his X-wing. Luke crashes in a swamp on Dagobah, because Dagobah is all swamp. He finds Yoda and WTFs because Yoda, the great Jedi Knight, turns out to be a shriveled green Muppet. Literally. He’s a Muppet, and he has the same voice as Miss Piggy. But he actually is like the most powerful Jedi ever and he picks up Luke’s training where Obi-Wan left off. Meanwhile, Vader is super pissed about everyone escaping, so he hires a bunch of bounty hunters -- including Boba Fett who is simply the baddest dude around -- to find them. Han pilots to Cloud City on the planet Bespin, because the leader of Cloud City is Lando Calrissian, a “scoundrel” who is Han’s best bud since basically milk-money days. The awesome thing is that Lando actually won Cloud City in a card game or something, because things work that way in this galaxy. Also, the Falcon used to be Lando’s ship, but he lost it to Han also through gambling. They are super psyched to see each other, though, because it is like old frat buddies. Oh, and Lando is played by Billy Dee Williams so you should have no problem imagining how fucking cool he is. Meanwhile, Boba Fett totally tailed Han like the whole time because he’s the best bounty hunter there is, so Boba and Darth Vader are basically already waiting for them when they get to Cloud City, and Lando sells them out because (a) Han is his pal but Lando is still a scoundrel and a rogue and this is business, not personal. And (b) what choice does he have? If he didn’t comply, Darth Vader was gonna have his balls. Anyway, Han and his gang are captured by Vader on Bespin, and Luke senses their danger using the Force. He tells Yoda that he has to go save his friends, but Yoda tells Luke that the training is not complete and he must not go. Luke ignores him and leaves, because, seriously, fuck Yoda. What does he know about it? He’s only the wisest and most powerful being in the whole fucking galaxy. Back on Bespin, Darth Vader has Han frozen in a block of carbonite and gives the resulting statue to Boba Fett, who takes off with it to sell to Jabba for presumably a huge assload of credits. Leia is pissed off because she and Han have fallen in love by this point. Chewie is pissed off because Han is his blood brother. They’re all led away by Vader’s Stormtroopers, but they are intercepted by Lando and his soldiers, who rescue them, because Lando’s a pretty good guy and he was just not gonna let it go down like that. They try to save Han but can’t catch Boba Fett. They head for the Falcon to make their escape. Meanwhile, Luke has arrived and it’s time for his first one-on-one with Vader. As they duel with lightsabers, Vader tries to convince Luke to give in to the Dark Side of the Force and become an evil, more powerful Jedi like him. Luke is not having it because there is just no way he’s going to join forces with the motherfucker who killed his dad. Vader overtakes Luke and slices off Luke’s hand. Luke is so angry that he almost cries because he failed to get revenge on his father’s murderer. But it is at this point that Vader famously tells Luke that he, Darth Vader, is Luke’s father. Luke’s mind is totally blown and he tries to deny it, but Vader tells Luke to use the Force to sense that it’s true. Still, rather than join Vader, Luke throws himself down a shaft, presumably to plummet to his doom. Instead of being ejected into the depths of space to die, though, he is rescued by Lando in the Millenium Falcon. Everyone’s pretty bummed because the rebellion is getting its ass kicked by the Empire right now. The End.

Re: i've never heard of you. - Let’s play “Movies I’ve Never Seen, Much To The...

Paul Awesome — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 10:34:42 -0000

OK, I'll fill you in.

Princess Leia of Alderaan, along with a group of rebel soldiers, has obtained from rebel spies detailed plans of the Death Star, the new planet-sized battle station of the Galactic Empire. Darth Vader, the most feared man in the Empire, attacks their ship with a group of Imperial Stormtroopers. Before they can capture Leia, she hides the Death Star plans in her droid (robot) R2-D2 and launches him along with another droid, C-3PO, in an escape pod toward the desert planet Tatooine. The droids wander around the desert until they are captured by a race of scavengers called Jawas. Later, a couple of Tatooine’s moisture farmers -- young and annoying Luke Skywalker and his Uncle Owen -- go to the Jawas to shop for scrap and parts. They buy R2 and 3PO. I think something happens where R2 maybe malfunctions and Luke bops him on the head or something, causing him to play a holographic message that Leia recorded on his system in which she frantically calls for help from Obi-Wan Kenobi. The only Kenobi that Luke knows of on Tatooine is “Old Ben” Kenobi, so he and the droids go to see Old Ben. It turns out that Ben Kenobi IS Obi-Wan Kenobi, who is one of the last living Jedi in the galaxy, in exile after Darth Vader and the Emperor murdered all the Jedi a generation ago. Obi-Wan tells Luke that Luke’s father was a great Jedi who was killed by Darth Vader. He then begins to instruct and train Luke in the ways of the Force, the life energy that surrounds everything and that is the source of Jedi power. Luke shows Leia’s distress call to Obi-Wan, who asks Luke to accompany him to Alderaan. Luke is hesitant. He returns home to the moisture farm only to find the smoldering remains of both his home and his Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru, all having been burned by Stormtroopers who tracked the escape pod to Tatooine. Having nothing left to keep him on Tatooine, and also obviously needing to escape, Luke joins Obi-Wan. Needing passage off the planet but needing to remain discreet, they and the droids visit Mos Eisley, a rough port town populated by thugs, smugglers, bounty hunters, and other such lowlifes. They go to a cantina where some thugs harass them but Obi-Wan whips out his lightsaber and cuts off their arms and basically fucks their world up, and nobody fucks with them anymore. Obi-Wan is an old dude but he is still a Jedi and therefore an expert of handing a guy his own ass. They sit down with a smuggler named Han Solo and his partner Chewbacca, a Wookie (a race of large, furry, beast-like but intelligent warrior beings from the planet Kashyyk). They convince Han to help them get out of Tatooine by sneaking them aboard his beater ship, the Millenium Falcon, for a price of course since Han Solo is the sort of fast-talking, hard-living, smart aleck who only looks out for Numero Uno. Also he doesn’t believe in any of that “Force” bullshit; he lets his blaster do his forcing for him. While all of this is going down, Leia is captive aboard the Death Star, where Imperial leaders are trying to get her to tell them on what planet the home base of the rebellion is currently located. She’s all, “fuck you,” and they’re like, “Tell us or we’ll test out our new Death Star by blowing up your home planet.” Then that’s exactly what they do. I mean, the Death Star fires a GIANT LASER that blows up the WHOLE FUCKING PLANET. It’s fucking crazy. Leia is super pissed. Because of the massive simultaneous loss of life caused by an entire freaking planet getting sploded, Obi-Wan is floored by the disturbance in the Force that he senses. And when the Millenium Falcon gets to where Alderaan should be, it’s totally not there and everyone WTFs. So they head toward the nearby Death Star which they think is a moon. The Death Star completely gets them in a tractor beam and soon they are on board. R2 hacks into the Death Star’s computer and discovers that Leia is on board too and is going to be executed. Luke, Han, and Chewie set about rescuing her. They take out a couple of Stormtroopers and put on their Stormtrooper armor to help them sneak around the facilities until they get to the prison and spring Leia. They fight through lots of Stormtroopers who continually unload their blasters, but Stormtroopers can’t hit the broad side of a barn so none of the heroes get plugged. They do however accidentally end up trapped in a room-sized trash compactor, and it’s about to squish them all but Luke manages to contact R2 with a remote communicator and gets him to hack into the system and stop the compactor. They escape and make their way toward the Millenium Falcon. As they get to the ship in the docking bay, they see Obi-Wan about to take on Darth Vader, his former Jedi student. Obi-Wan and Vader duel for a while with their Jedi lightsabers, until Obi-Wan suddenly closes his eyes quietly and allows Vader to peace him out. The strategy behind this tactic is not immediately apparent. Luke freaks out when he sees Obi-Wan get murdered, but they need to skedaddle so Han grabs Luke and pulls him aboard the Falcon. They bounce. Now Luke, Leia, Han, Chewbacca, C-3PO, and R2-D2, with the Death Star plans back in their possession (well, still inside R2), head for the headquarters of the Rebel Alliance. Alliance leaders peep the Death Star plans and call a meeting. The Death Star is pretty tightly defended, but they found a weak spot. If a couple of missiles are fired DIRECTLY into this one exhaust shaft or something, it’ll hit the main core of the Death Star and blow it up like so much Alderaan. A group of rebel X-wing pilots (X-wings are the fighter jets of the Rebel Alliance) are sent on a mission to blow up the Death Star in the manner. These pilots include Luke, who I forgot to mention is like a totally kickass self-taught pilot. He’s actually great with machines in general, and a lot of that is due to the fact that he is so naturally in tune with the Force, even though he never understood this to be the reason behind his talents. Anyway, Luke is all, “Are you coming too, Han?” But Han is all, “Fuck you, dude. My job is over. I don’t actually give a crap about your gay-ass rebellion. Pay me my lots of credits because I’m outta here.” Luke is like, “Whatever, douche.” The X-wing squadron attacks the Death Star, pursued by many TIE fighters (TIEs are the fighter jets of the Empire), one of them piloted by Darth Vader, who is ALSO a kickass pilot. A lot of X-wings and TIE fighters are blown up during the firefight as the rebels head toward that key weak spot, Luke leading the way. As he gets closer, Vader closes in on him. As Luke is coming upon the target, the voice of Obi-Wan tells him to forget about his on-board computer and to relax and use the Force to hit his mark. While this is happening, Vader locks Luke in his sights, but just as he is about to shoot, the Millenium Falcon swoops in and Han gets in a shot that clips Vader’s wing, sending him spiraling out into space. Luke, using the Force, fires his torpedoes perfectly and the Death Star explodes humungously. Later, at an elaborate ceremony, Princess Leia awards Luke and Han with medals for their heroism. The End.

This didn’t take me very long at all to write because I’ve seen this movie about 60 times and know it pretty well by heart. It was like singing a favorite song.

Re: i've never heard of you. - brief flamed top of trees Morning blinks her eyes...

Paul Awesome — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 09:18:02 -0000

Doesn't she know that every haiku is supposed to ends with the line, "Leaves blow in the wind"? Look, I'll show you:

Poop chute, poop chute.
Butt butt pork butt.
Leaves blow in the wind.

Re: i've never heard of you. - Paul McCartney's Wax Head Left Behind On Train

Paul Awesome — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 11:07:41 -0000

What they didn't report, because of the potential danger involved, is that along with the head were left a three-foot laser and Airwolf.

Re: i've never heard of you. - (via liy) I AM ALL OF THESE THINGS, OMG. bipolar...

Paul Awesome — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 10:30:42 -0000

Because I mentioned John Edward, I know have the "The Biggest Douche In The Universe" song stuck in my head.

Here he is, the Biggest Douche in the Universe!
In all the galaxies, there's no bigger douche than you.
You've reached the top, the pinnacle of douchedom!
Good going, douche. Your dreams have come true.

Re: i've never heard of you. - (via obama08, via nightswimming, via...

Paul Awesome — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 10:28:03 -0000

This is now my favorite picture ever of President Obama.

YEAH I SAID IT

Re: i've never heard of you. - (via liy) I AM ALL OF THESE THINGS, OMG. bipolar...

Paul Awesome — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 09:55:57 -0000

Wow look! It's a list of words that describe everyone in the world at one time or another! Being a psychologist is remarkably similar to writing horoscopes or to what John Edward does.

Re: i've never heard of you. - Did you give my brother a lap dizzle?

Paul Awesome — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 17:35:48 -0000

I just realized that you wrote that Real "helpfully points to his brother," which means you do know which one is Real and which one is Chance. You just don't know which one is "left" and which one is "right."

Re: i've never heard of you. - Did you give my brother a lap dizzle?

Paul Awesome — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 17:32:50 -0000

Jesus CHRIST Real is the one on the RIGHT don't you know ANYTHING Real is SO MUCH better than Chance and he is REALLY REALER than Chance too that's why his name is REAL.

Re: SNL: So Funny I Forgot to Laugh?

Paul Awesome — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 22:21:25 -0000

Yeah, but the "I'm No Angel" sketch was brilliant.

I have the first two seasons on DVD. Watch them and you'll find that the show was always hit-or-miss, episode to episode.