Disqus - Latest Comments for recovengineer

Re: Why I Don’t want to Be a Tolerant Person

recoveringengineer — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 08:52:31 -0000

Ronmossad,

I think we are making similar points - being "tolerant" can actually lead to intolerance.

I'm not suggesting that we try to understand and accept clearly immoral or unethical behavior (like firing people or physically abusing them because of their race).

I am suggesting that tolerance, as spoken of in so many contexts, is not actually a good thing. Insisting on "tolerance" can quickly come to mean that one person is "intolerant" as soon as they disagree with someone else's viewpoint. Then the first person gets labeled negatively and the second person becomes the victim. When, in fact, the two people just hold different viewpoints.

My intention in this post was not necessarily to point to larger societal issues. Rather, I'm focusing on day-to-day interactions in the workplace environment. An environment where, hopefully, we don't have to worry about sociopathic and other clearly unacceptable behaviors.

Re: What great conflict resolution is all about

recoveringengineer — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 15:04:44 -0000

Hi Tammy,

I really like this thought: "Preventing the non-sustaining of a great interpersonal relationship."

I appreciate how you give me new ways to think about things.

Thanks.

Guy

Re: Why I Don’t want to Be a Tolerant Person

recoveringengineer — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 00:19:54 -0000

I think you make a good point about empathy. With empathy we truly understand the other person's viewpoint even when we don't necessarily agree with them. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your perspective.

Re: How Does The Nature Of Your Relationship Affect Conflict Resolution?

recoveringengineer — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 16:59:02 -0000

Darren,

I think you're right on target with your comment about trust. When I said I had a perspective on this in my post, the level of trust you have developed with the other person was one of the issues on my mind.

Thanks for stopping by to leave a comment.

Re: Road Rage, Interpretations, and Workplace Conflict

recoveringengineer — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 16:55:49 -0000

Hi Joan,

Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to leave a comment. Good observation that people don't usually mean to give offense. You hit on the essence of my thought exactly.

Re: How Does The Nature Of Your Relationship Affect Conflict Resolution?

recoveringengineer — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 10:20:59 -0000

Thanks. I'll come get a badge later.

Re: Free Hugs

recoveringengineer — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 21:45:57 -0000

I noticed the same things. It looked like some people were frightened, some thought it was a joke, and others did not know what to think. Thanks for stopping by and leaving your thoughts.

Re: Don’t Get Angry Because They Don’t Understand

recoveringengineer — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 12:36:32 -0000

Thanks for stopping by and sharing your comments on this post. I appreciate the positive feedback..

Re: How to Extract Doubt From Your Sales Copy

recoveringengineer — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 09:39:54 -0000

Hi Michel,

Thanks for this thought provoking post. My wife is also a breast cancer survivor. So, you got me from the beginning. I think that yields some insight as well. Even though I am far more factual and analytical, the emotional connection got me first.

I appreciate the way you shared a personal story and then tied it to a great learning lesson. Well done!

Re: What frustrates you most in conflict situations?

recoveringengineer — Thu, 28 May 2009 10:15:40 -0000

Hi Tammy,

This poll is a great idea. I'm looking forward to reading your results. I put a link to this post at my blog hoping that it would help to create more input.

Re: Two Questions to Ask to Ensure Clarity

recoveringengineer — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 13:11:17 -0000

Kare,

That has also been my experience. In attempting to be clear, I have seen other people feel attacked, cornered, or criticized. In face-to-face communications, I find that I have to work really hard to control my tone, body language, and facial expressions so that the questions comes across as an honest attempt to create mutual understanding and not as an attempt to "catch" the other party.

Thanks for pointing out the possible downside of the approach. Your comment points out how difficult communication can be even when we have the best of intentions.

Guy

Re: The Plastic Human Problem

recoveringengineer — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 22:25:12 -0000

Chris,

Great thoughts and perspective. I have often lamented the behaviors of many people online. It sometimes looks as if we can hide behind our computers, locked away behind the protective walls of our homes, and throw stones at the rest of the world. Sometimes it seems that people feel safe in behaving rudely or overly aggressively in the online world (sort of like road rage?).

Like MagsMac, I like the idea of building people up rather than tearing them down. I think it's important to realize that real people with real thouhts and feelings are on the other end of our posts, comments, tweets and emails.

Thanks for the reminder. I'm enjoying your tweets and blog posts. Keep up the good work.

Re: Conflict Resolution Tips: People Oriented Individuals with Task Oriented People

recoveringengineer — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 03:12:31 -0000

Thanks for the feedback and for stopping by. I'm glad the insights helped you.

Re: Encouragement Helps

recoveringengineer — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 12:12:43 -0000

I agree with you that encouragement helps, and that it is generally good for moral and overall team performance.

I'm not sure what the statement "not true" refers to. Do you disagree with my post, color_chart's comments, or my reply to the comments. Please help me understand your perspective.

Re: Don’t Give What’s Yours, and Don’t Take What’s Theirs

recoveringengineer — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 00:30:00 -0000

Hazel,

Thanks for stopping by and leaving this comment. I appreciate the feedback.

Guy

Re: Slow Down to Speed Up

recoveringengineer — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 21:27:22 -0000

Kare,

Thanks for the comment and sorry for the delay. There was a hangup in my Disqus timeline.

Guy

Re: Slow Down to Speed Up

recoveringengineer — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 23:29:14 -0000

Tammy,

Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate your post that got my mind running.

Re: Listening Is The Key To Persuasion

recoveringengineer — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 12:31:32 -0000

Jim,

Great observations. So often we fail to listen and jump right in to "persuading." Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this topic.

Re: Be Careful What You Assume

recoveringengineer — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 16:19:06 -0000

Hi Jenny,

Thanks for stopping by and for the kind words.

Re: Learn to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable

recoveringengineer — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 23:16:00 -0000

Vickie, thanks for the input and feedback. Well thought out and presented - as usual.

I see the same thing you see. People often act as if suppressing the emotion will resolve the conflict. And, you're right, I don't advocate suppressing the emotion.

I like the way you expressed the better alternative approach of "why am I feeling so . . . angry, sad, mad." Backing up the process to address our perceptual frame rather than our feelings is a much more powerful approach than ignoring or suppressing the feelings. In my experience, the suppression approach only works for a short period of time. The feelings will come out eventually (probably not in a healthy way). Addressing the perception that lead to the feeling usually gives us the mental space to understand the other person in a much deeper way so that we move towards the empathy and reconciliation you mentioned.

Great point about life not usually being a zero sum game.

It's good to get input from a fellow laborer in the field of conflict resolution. Thanks for taking the time to contribute your thoughts here.

Re: Be Careful What You Assume

recoveringengineer — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 20:27:18 -0000

Thanks for the comments Vickie and for the reminder that we all "fall prey to this cognitive bias." I agree that we need to learn to forgive ourselves as much as we forgive others. Realizing that "it's not about me anyway" helps me to stay on track with this advice.

Great to hear from you.

Re: Be Careful What You Assume

recoveringengineer — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 12:22:48 -0000

Diane, Thanks for the feedback and the kind words. It sounds like we share some common struggles and victories. Likewise, I appreciate what I learn from your blog. Thanks for your contributions as well.

Re: Learn to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable

recoveringengineer — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 17:48:10 -0000

Kare,

As always, you contribute great thoughts in your comments. Thanks for contributing.

I wish I could say that I had read the book you mentioned. Unfortunately, I didn't even know about it. I'll have to add it to my reading list.

Thanks for pointing out the polarizing effect of what happens as people cluster in like minded groups.

I agree with you that finding commonality is a key to seizing opportunities and truly enjoying life.

Thanks again for your input to this post.

Re: Encouragement Helps

recoveringengineer — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 12:52:37 -0000

Thanks for the comment. I agree with you that encouraging people when they behave inappropriately would not help. It probably would, as you pointed out, cause more problems. I sense that I may not have been as clear as I had hoped when I wrote this post. In my ongoing effort to communicate more clearly, here are some amplifying thoughts.

When I write and teach on performance management concepts, I make the point that "feel good" comments don't really help, and that positive comments should be directed at noticing specific behaviors that benefit the team or organization. In other words, constant "atta-boys" and "good jobs" that people issue without thought actually hurt more than they help if they are not directed at specific behaviors.

Focusing on specific behaviors also avoids the jealousy issue. If you consistently notice the good behaviors of everyone on the team, few people will get jealous when you notice someone else. I agree that leaders really need to watch out for slipping in to favoritism with this concept.

In the context of this post, I wasn't really addressing performance management so much as I was attempting to point to the value of encouragement as a means for building relationships that will withstand a conflict. My general observation is that most people (including me) find it easier to point out what is wrong than to notice what is right. I find that I have to work doubly hard to notice and comment on good behaviors so that I build relational capital with people. This relational capital protects our relationship in those times when I have to make a corrective or negative comment.

While the need for relational captial counts in performance management, it is particularly important in conflict resolution situations. If I do not have a history of encouraging people when things are going well, they usually don't listen to me when we disagree. I have to work to build the relationship in non-conflict interactions so that we can resolve the inevitable conflicts that come up as we work together. A history of encouragement can take the "you never notice anything I do right" comment out of the equation.

In case you're interested, here are two other related articles that describe my thinking on this concept a little more fully:
http://www.principledriven....
http://www.principledriven....

Thanks again for your comment. You have helped me (I hope) to communicate my point even more clearly. Interaction with readers really helps me to get better. I appreciate the time you took to share your thoughts.

Re: I’m following you!

recoveringengineer — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 17:40:23 -0000

Jim,

I like your style. I've only read this one post and your comments on twitter over the last day or so, and I already like you.

I'm looking forward to learning from your blog (already subscribed).

Guy Harris