DISQUS

This is fabulous. Years ago, Gary Smalley did a series of called "Seven Keys to Successful Parenting." It was good, and helped me understand the need to treat my child as something of value. The example he used in his classes was to keep several expensive things on a table in the front of the room, and note how carefully people handled those things between sessions.

Unfortunately, as you point out, when we treat our children like a fine painting that we're proud of, and brag about it, we're not really honoring the painting--we're honoring how smart we are for having such a thing in our possession. And that, right there, is the core of what you've stated above. Teacups and paintings are possessions, but children aren't.

The sooner we can get our heads wrapped around that truth, but still demonstrate to our child (and to the world) that we value them, the better. - Tim

As a follow-up, it's good to remember that public schoolteachers are dealing with social situations coming into the classroom that most adults cannot imagine or understand.

Case in point: My wife had a student this past year who was (more or less) helping to raise his younger brother and sister. Every night, his mother would call home at 10:00, waking him up to make sure he helped his siblings with their homework, got everyone fed, and so on. As a single mother, his mom was working two jobs, so she depended on her son to help. He was in the 7th grade.

My wife discovered these facts after trying to determine why he was falling asleep in class. Miraculously, the child has a great attitude, and was able to keep up with some additional help after school. This is some of what your local public school teacher deals with on a daily basis. - Tim

Interesting post. As Jean points out above, some of this decision may also be driven by the nature of your community. Even if all the factors pointed to a school across the street, some school systems seem to take on a toxic nature because of the local political environment. This can be something that persists beyond the school administration's influence, lasting decades.

Similarly, private school is, for me, the half-way point between homeschooling (taking complete control, almost "micromanaging" your child's education) and public school. Unfortunately, I think using those as extremes rather misses the point.

First, it's ridiculous to put your child's education completely and totally in the hands of someone else, and then expect them to teach your child EVERYTHING and do so exactly within the prescribed limits you set (no teaching about evolution if you're a creationist, no teaching about condom use if you want your child to only be exposed to abstinence, and so on).

Likewise, to go completely with homeschooling ignores the socialization skills that come with being in an environment that isn't of your choosing. (You can't replicate this with your own social groupings, because you'll tend to affiliate with people who think and behave the same way you do.) Exposing my children to opposing points of view has value for everyone involved, but then a lot of homeschooling parents aren't interested in that, and prefer the intellectual/social/spiritual homogeneity that comes with this territory. Even private school misses this somewhat, because I will tend to choose a private school that lines up with what I would teach in a homeschool situation.

I think both extremes miss the boat.

If you're not homeschooling your child, you should be, regardless of whether or not they attend public or private school. I say this, not just because there are "critical" things that you want your child to learn a certain way (I used quotes there because of the strange but common presumption that the way we know is the "only right way"), but because you have an opportunity to know your child in a way that no teacher ever will. You can watch and understand your child's learning style and their social style, and can equip them to learn for themselves. Leaving this up to educators that have ridiculously difficult situations to deal with, is just irresponsible.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, if you're homeschooling or private-schooling your child, you would do well to find socialization options that force your child to interact with people you don't have much in common with. This can happen with sports, with drama clubs, and many different venues, but as I've said above, I think the most effective venue is public school.

In my opinion, the ideal solution is public school, supplemented with homeschooling. Where this isn't possible or sensible (as Jean alludes to), a private-school + homeschool approach is a good alternative. - Tim

P.S. These are generalizations, I know. There are many kids for whom private school is a better option, and many for whom public school is the ONLY choice available. And, while I disagree with the philosophy of homeschooling (and get seriously annoyed at Christians who suggest that there's something wrong with my faith because I don't like it), I know kids who've been homeschooled that grew up to be reasonable, well-adjusted adults.

My comments are directed at the general student population, and are based on several factors: having raised two sons who went to public school; having a public schoolteacher as a wife; having taught and coached children from public, private, and homeschool backgrounds; and having hired and managed people from all three backgrounds. There are exceptions, but adults who went to public school but whose parents invested heavily in their education at home, seem to have the best chance of future success.

At the risk of sounding snarky, wouldn't putting the PC in a public area of the house and doing something radical like... parenting make more sense? - Tim

Tell the truth... is Mario Cart as much fun as I've heard it is? (Or does that explain why you're not posting as much lately?) - Tim

Vanessa, what scares me is that it almost certainly IS real. I'm all for being goofy about my kids, and I don't doubt that *some* kids would enjoy the attention that this creates, but you're basically signing each of the kids up for a group identity that is just... weird.

The kids will likely be remembered for years to come for this video, instead of being remembered for the individuals that they are. That probably seems cool/funny at the moment, but my experience (with just two) is that kids want control over how they are associated with their parents, particularly during their teenage years. I can't change the fact that my oldest looks like a clone of me, but I'm sensitive to not wearing the same haircut, or dressing like he does, and so on.

The parents have chosen to make a sideshow of the family, and that (in my opinion) isn't fair to the kids. - Tim

Here's a vote in support of Jumping Monkeys. This is particularly relevant for parents of teenagers, because Leo is web-savvy enough to understand the issues, and separate the real threats from the bogus ones. - Tim

I'm with Scott... that's reminiscent of the E*TRADE commercial with the baby talking about getting his own clown and saying, "I underestimated the creepiness."

I find myself regularly wondering how well the US public schools would be performing (in comparison to other nations) if all of the parents who've pulled their kids out to homeschool or put them in private schools had instead put the same amount of time/energy/money into improving the local public school.

What a weird notion... someone else's kids would benefit, and not just mine. - Tim

Vanessa,

Feel free to use anything there, or anything from my blog. A great deal of my blog entries are about parenting and healthy relationships with your kids. I'm not ready to proclaim myself a success (I would say that people outside my family who've met my sons are the only ones qualified to judge that), but I try to respond when people ask me for advice.

Let me commend you for maintaining a great balance of perspective here. That's one of the key things in working with teenagers (not losing the "big picture" perspective), and many parents either don't get that, or just don't want to. - Tim

Vanessa,

As the father of two sons (one 17 and the other 20), I've watched some of what you're describing in my sons' peers. Here's how what I told my sons about alcohol:

1) Your mom and I don't drink, even socially. There are several reasons for this, but it's not because alcohol is somehow inherently evil as a substance. In fact, there is research to suggest that in appropriate moderation, some kinds of alcohol (wine, for instance) have minor negative effects, and possibly positive ones. However, we haven't yet seen conclusive evidence to suggest that not drinking poses some kind of risk.

My reasons for not drinking are: a) I want to be in control of myself in social situations, b) I believe that mature people take responsibility for their actions, and that's only possible when you're in control, c) I want to help my children understand that their actions may have consequences that can't be undone with "I'm sorry... I didn't mean to permanently disfigure your daughter with my car... it was just a couple of drinks," and d) I have a tendency toward compulsive and addictive behaviors, and that doesn't mix well with alcohol.

2) There is not yet any definitive way to know who is going to be susceptible to alcoholism and who isn't. Until there is, experimenting with alcohol is engaging in a potentially life-threatening activity. Yes, some people seem able to smoke without developing lung cancer. Others don't. Is there a good reason to take that risk?

3) I'm responsible for your behavior until you're 18, and I expect you to in turn be responsible for the choices you make. Therefore, be "in control" enough to take such responsibility.

4) If you want to continue to participate in sports, regardless of what the coach's rules are, be aware that your actions as a teen have a way of following you. This is also true when you're looking for a job, long after sports are in your past.

Tim

P.S. Both of my sons have, at various times, left parties where they knew stuff was going on. They have also kept friends whose parents had similar views to what I stated above. That helps, as they can all complain to each other about how strict their parents are.

Am I the only one who finds it ironic that an article about AllTop being superior to Digg already has two diggs?

I thought the show was outstanding. It was a deep, thoughtful discussion about how we use some very specific technologies, and about some of the reasons we do so. I found this to be one of the more interesting discussions you've had on TWiT, and not because Dvorak was so quiet. - Tim