Disqus - Latest Comments for jesus

Re: SCARY DRINKS! | The District Weekly

jesus — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 23:54:18 -0000

I made this and gave it to my wife tonight. She got all horny. Best thing that's happened to my marriage in 20 years. THANKS DISTRICT WEEKLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: GOD SENDS A MESSAGE | The District Weekly

jesus — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 00:46:19 -0000

I love gay people. Anyone who denounces them speaks for my arch enemy lucifer. Being that I'm omnicient and all knowing your readers should know that the entire male population of the Westboro Baptist Church was cast in a very mediocre production of Rogers and Hamersteins South Pacific. Interesting.

Re: AS SAVE THE QUEEN SCRAMBLES TO MEET DEADLINE, IT ALSO PLANS VICTORY PARTY | The District Weekly

jesus — Sat, 03 Nov 2007 00:43:17 -0000

Jesus likes the queen Mary. It reminds me of my days a fisherman and that lovely bar in los angeles. However, I'm not sure Mr. Klein is the right person to lease it. I would prefer someone with more knowledge of the sea. How about Captain Joseph Hazelwood. Given the Queen's history he seems like the right choice to be at the helm.

Re: DODGER BASEBALL: WHO CARES? | The District Weekly

jesus — Sat, 03 Nov 2007 00:50:34 -0000

Jesus likes the Dodgers but remains concern that former Skipper Tommy Lasorda is in fact inside Big Baby.

Re: BREAKWATER BREAKDOWN | The District Weekly

jesus — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 20:22:35 -0000

Jesus likes to surf. Mr. Gorbachev tear down that breakwater.

Re: THE KOBE SITUATION | The District Weekly

jesus — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 20:15:22 -0000

Jesus likes basketball but does not like Kobe. Kobe may have had success on the basketball court but he does not respect women. Jerry Buss should have terminated him when it became clear he assaulted the young woman in colorado. The Lakers undoing is the direct result of allowing someone to remain in the organization who engaged in outrageous conduct. Why would the Lakers expect him to be a constructive force when his conduct indicates he is enamered with himself above all others? I am thinking that I will direct Kobe to Dallas. Jesus does not like Dallas' owner Mark Cuban. This is primarily because Jesus doesn't like anyone who appears on Dancing with the Stars. In addition Mr. Cuban thinks he is more important than Jesus. Phil Specter used to think that but I fixed him. Kobe and Cuban deserve each other.

Re: NO ROOM IN THE PARADE | The District Weekly

jesus — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 00:18:26 -0000

Jesus doesn't like assholes like Raoul. Jesus served in the Navy. Tagging people as anti-american is offensive to Jesus. There are many soldiers, sailors, marines, airmen and coastguardsmen who think the Iraq war is a slaughter of American young men and women. Jesus has some big news for you Raul - dissent is American! None of these people are supporting Osama. They want to support the troops but bring them home from a war with no mission, no strategic objective. Our forces are designed to win conflicts and leave. This is low intensity conflict where no one knows what the objective is. Jesus thinks that supporting such a war is unjust and immoral. Therfore Raoul becuase of your double talk and tyranical views I am sentencing you to spend eternity with Abby Hoffman. Only my agent here on earth Will Swaim can release you from your punishment.

Jesus out.

Re: RIGHT-WING SMEAR: EATING ‘RAOUL’ | The District Weekly

jesus — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 02:17:51 -0000

Jesus gives his blessing to Will Swaim. Here he speaks for the side of the divine. In this instance Mr. Swaim is correct. Mr. Demming serves the cause of evil. Raoul, like so many in the Republican party of the 21st century walks under the banner of tyranny disguised as the banner of freedom. He excoriates those with other views as anti-american. Ronald Reagan spoke of Viet Nam as a mistake. In 1980 at the Republican National Convention in Detroit Jesus was present when he commited that he would enter no war without a clear mission and a clear path to victory. Jesus does not recall seeing George W. there. Jesus recalls he was drinking wild turkey with some frat boys back at the Hotel. Too bad. Anyway, listen to my good son Will. He's right most of the time (except for the odd footwear).

Jesus out.

Re: RICHARD FLORIDA ON LONG BEACH | The District Weekly

jesus — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 03:11:53 -0000

Jesus is confused. Dick Florida? What did they do?

Re: NOTORIOUS LB PRIEST GETS 10 YEARS | The District Weekly

jesus — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 00:28:44 -0000

Jesus thinks that Bogoas has some very troubling ideas about sex with children. They are identical to the Roman Catholic Hirearchy's views. Jesus think's Bogas would make an excellent priest.

Re: CARDINAL MAHONY SAYS HE WAS ASSAULTED | The District Weekly

jesus — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 00:35:36 -0000

Jesus is really not sure whether Mahony got his ass kicked or not. If he did its wrong, if he's making it up for sympathy then the media should kick his ass. Will Swaim I am proud of you my son. It is important somebody questions Mahony's story about the ass kicking. You are doing my father's work. By the way my mom really likes your style.

Re: LOOK AT THIS PICTURE NSFWLOL : ( ( ( ( | The District Weekly

jesus — Thu, 06 Dec 2007 01:27:48 -0000

Jesus loves this picture.

Re: WHILE WE’RE REMEMBERING PEARL HARBOR… | The District Weekly

jesus — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 03:00:00 -0000

It is sad fact that our country was the first to use an atomic weapon. This is especially true given that it was dropped on "soft" non-military civilian targets.
It was immoral and wrong. The flip side though is that American veterans of the Pacific war alost universally supported the dropping of the atomic bombs. This includes Jesus' father who had gone through training in Ft. Ord in Monterey and was on a troop ship on his way as an 18 year old infantry replacement to the invasion of the Japanese home islands. The Joint Chiefs of Staff contemplated that there would be 1 million american casualties in this campaign and 3 to 5 million japanese civilian casualties. Jesus' dad would frequently say "if it wasn't for Truman I'd be dead and you wouldn't be hear son".

The problem with this historical debate is niether side gives the whole picture. Military targets should have been selected. It was manifestly immoral to bomb civilians either conventionally or with a nuclear weapon. However, the Japanese were engaging in major and wide spread atrocities against American and British POW's and civilians. For instance on the Island of Chi Chi Jima they would customarily execute and then cook and eat (yes eat) downed American pilots. There are many other examples. Also the Japanese had demonstrated on Iwo Jima and Okinawa they would not only fight to the death but also encourage civilians to kill themselves and their children to avoid capture.

Trumans decision was also heavily influenced by the fact the U.S. was quickly running out of money and political support to continue the war. The truth is that the Japanese were the initial agressor. None of the above excuses targeting civilians. It was and is today immoral and inconsistent with a civilized society.

However on this date over 60 years ago many young men and women in the prime of their youth died over the tyranical ambition of a few. They along with the other young service men and women who rest in places like the Punch Bowl military cemetary in Hawaii, the American Military Cemetary behind Omaha Beach in Nowmandy and the American Military Cemetary just outside of Florence in Italy all died for freedom and to literally save the world from tyranny, facism and repression. Views to the contrary smack of cynicism, ignorance and hatred for all things American. So Howardx Jesus wishes to say to you respectfully, lovingly and divinely - go fuck yourself.

Jesus believes it's ok to remember Pearl Harbor with out a footnote regarding Hiroshima and Nagasaki. I also believe the opposite is true. Out of deep respect for my shipmates who served on BB-39 (yes Jesus did serve in the Navy) I choose remember those young kids who still lie just off Ford Island in the places where they fell on BB-39 that terrible morning over 60 years ago. Jesus remembers them and weeps and mourns for what might have been. Jesus also mourns all the Japanese young men who died that day. Jesus also mourns all the civilians who lost their lives in that entire conflagration. All Americans should grieve and remember Pearl Harbor. Concurrently Jesus believes all people of good will should struggle for one goal - Peace.

Jesus out.

Re: MORE ON ROMNEY, GOD AND WILL SWAIM | The District Weekly

jesus — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 03:17:27 -0000

Jesus says right on Rachael! Jesus does not like the LDS leadership because the keep trying to Baptize Jesus and other dead people. Also there's that problematic Moutain Meadow Massacre. Also, Jesus never had a Fraud conviction which is more than Jesus can say for Joseph Smith. Jesus doesn't normally keep track of where Souls are. That's really more of my my Father's function (he's a Catholic) Anyway, I recently asked him where Joseph Smith soul resided. He told me - and the news is not good. Let's just say that he's currently residing with Benito Mussolini, Rick James and Bob Crane in an undisclosed location. Sorry. By the way - Jesus also hates that green punch you guys serve at weddings. Serve liquor and coffee. It makes for a better reception.

thank you.

Re: WHILE WE’RE REMEMBERING PEARL HARBOR… | The District Weekly

jesus — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 21:44:57 -0000

You're confusing Jesus with Dick Cheney. He's the Republican Jesus.

Re: HUCKABEE’S SPECTRUM | The District Weekly

jesus — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 03:06:28 -0000

First Jesus likes gay people. Jesus does not like chewing tobacco dribbling southern racists who think highly of Strom Thurmond or George Wallace because they "changed". It appears Huckabee is determined to keep Arkansas viewed by the rest of the world as the home of Boss Hog and Cooter. On the other hand, maybe Huckabee is simply misunderstood and was talking about gay necrophiliacs. I recognize that is an unknown phenomenon in Southern California but in Arkansas it's fairly common. Apparently on a recent visit to Arkansas Larry Craig was wandering around funeral parlors in Little Rock pounding his foot and singing the chorus from South Pacific's "there is nothing like a dame". That indeed is cause for concern.

Re: PORT OF LONG BEACH SPINS TO THE TOP OF FORTUNA’S WHEEL | The District Weekly

jesus — Sat, 05 Jan 2008 01:34:08 -0000

Speaking of Pat Sajak- Jesus prefers Vanna White. Jesus wanted to discuss this with Merv Griffin when he came to heaven. Unfortunately for Merv my Dad hated his talk show. Now Merv's interviewing Joe Stalin and Ken Lay. Jesus likes Rachael.

Re: PICK YOUR SEXY PEOPLE, LONG BEACH | The District Weekly

jesus — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 02:26:31 -0000

Jesus picks Heather Swaim. Great looks, intelligent, super personality. So what's she doing with him?

Re: WHEW! WARNING OVER. | The District Weekly

jesus — Sat, 26 Jan 2008 01:55:41 -0000

Pat Robertson and Mike Huckabee stopped the Tornado.

Re: TIGER WOODS; SPEAK! (PLEASE) | The District Weekly

jesus — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 02:43:44 -0000

Jesus says Lowery has nailed it again. Maybe Tiger just ignored the remark because he was concerned most Buick drivers actually agree with Tilghman's comments. Turning the other cheek has its place but this is one step from the original Fuzzy Zoeller watermelon/chicken slur. Not only were the remarks ignorant but they paint a portrait (perhaps accurately) of the PGA and those involved in professional golf a bunch of white Biff and Bunny types running around it madras pants, who could easily mistake Tiger for the club's Caddy. Jesus says fuck the sponsors call the remark what it was racist. To do otherwise sets back Tiger's sport and simply makes him look bad.

Re: ON THE [VILLA] RIVIERA | The District Weekly

jesus — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 02:57:23 -0000

The Villa Riveria is as old as my grandma and she fart's dust.

Re: “I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE!” | The District Weekly

jesus — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 03:06:57 -0000

pretty pony.

Re: BREAKWATER BREAKDOWN | The District Weekly

jesus — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 23:23:49 -0000

Jesus says Dana Rohbacher is a no good Taliban loving SOB. Also my Dad told me he used to do certain things with certain people that Mike Huckabee would find offensive. Is it true the breakwater is in the shape of a cross?

Re: ROMNEY SUSPENDS HIS CAMPAIGN! (EXCUSE THE EXCLAMATION POINT) | The District Weekly

jesus — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 01:04:00 -0000

Jesus doesn't like Mormons. It's their underwear. It's just weird. Oh and I hate that punch they serve at weddings.

Re: SPORTS ROUNDUP: WORST DAY EVER | The District Weekly

jesus — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 02:27:03 -0000

Jesus likes curling.

Re: OUR GLORIOUS DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC: TODAY’S CRAP | The District Weekly

jesus — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 02:51:03 -0000

Jesus doesn't know why the CIA doesn't use a different interrogation method. The French use it and It's very effective. First you put the interviewee in a bed with a heavy comforter, then you feed Gerard Depardieu a diet of spoiled goose pate, goat cheese, lentils and cheap beer for a day. Then Mr. Depardieu gets in bed with the interviewee and asks questions. If the interviewee is deemed to be avoiding or lying Mr. Deparieu will flatulate loudly then pull the comforter over the interviewee's head. The comforter is not removed until the interviewee comes clean and answers the question. The French call this the "four a' Hollandais" or "Dutch oven". Maybe the U.S. could see if Rush Limbaugh would volunteer as the interrogator in the U.S. or maybe Vice President Cheney?

Re: FOX NEWS RADIO: OBAMA SOUNDS LIKE HITLER | The District Weekly

jesus — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 22:27:44 -0000

Dave Chappelle is at home chilling with his monkey. Jesus doesn't like Hitler, Rupert Murdoch or O'Riley. Jesus respects Obama and thinks he a decent, good human. Decency and goodness? He'll never win.

Re: INTERVIEW WITH A RAPIST | The District Weekly

jesus — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 17:42:14 -0000

Ray is clearly Cardinal Mahoney. Knock it off Roger! You and your molesting brethren have recieved plenty of protection. Mostly from LA District Attorney Steve Cooley.

See you at Mass,
Jesus

Re: DESIGNER RAYMOND LOEWY’S 1959 CADILLAC ON EBAY FOR $650,000 | The District Weekly

jesus — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 00:34:20 -0000

Jesus has an original raymond Loewy mock up of the remote control rear view side mirror for an automobile. It's in my office. Jesus loves Raymond Loewy.

Re: WHO WILL JUDGE THE JUDGES? | The District Weekly

jesus — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 00:53:08 -0000

Jesus thinks that the guy with the Donkey may be Father Euletario Ramos formerly of the Diocese of Orange dubbed King of the Pedophiles by Gustavo Arellano.