DISQUS

I haven't watched it and won't watch it. Sounds way too toxic to my mind. Thanks though for the warning.

1. Yes, when I learned that Strauss was only 18 when he wrote that song that ends "wie einst im Mai" I was utterly jealous and shocked, because of the depth of the song and the youth of the composer. But I got over that. 2. Praise God there is openness to Him. Maybe that's because the people see that you're open to them :) 3. Yes the Performing Arts are of course emotionally charged by definition because there's nothing "purely intellectual" or "purely mental" about them (even for Music Historians and Theoricians). But here's a laugh: one of my friends told me they heard a professor say in class there was no unifying theme to Handel's Messiah. (Perhaps the professor missed the texts/lyrics and was only considering the music)......

Sorry about the late reply, I just discovered a few things about disqus. Anyway, now I only play at church. From 1985 to 2000 I was a community college, university, or seminary accompanist for oratorio/community/chamber choirs (on either piano or organ), a vocal coach for voice students (opera arias, yuck); and a few odd jobs in the music department offices here and there like choral music librarian; performed some choral works of Brahms (Liebeslieder etc.) , Rutter (Gloria, at the organ, Requiem, etc), Bernstein (Chichester, at the organ), Stravinsky (Psalms), California ACDA music reading and conducting workshops and All State Honor Choirs, 24 Italian Songs from Hades, etc., over 20 times rehearsal pianist for musical theatre including 3 different productions of Oklahoma, etc. Fifteen years of piano lessons and two and half years of organ lessons. In 2000 I decided I had enough of working days and nights and weekends and being unemployed every summer, so I got a M-F 8-5 office job with 52 weeks of work and no evenings and no weekends and no 45 mile one way commute. Didn't get to do as much chamber music as I would have liked (piano trios, quartets, quintets, etc) but I'm fine without it. I haven't practiced seriously since 2000. I do have fond memories of playing piano concertos and harpsichord concertos with orchestras and of working with some awesome choral conductors, and even though I hardly play anymore except for only one choir at church, I decided that pianomankugie was as good of blog name as any. But so much of that was people pleasing and isolating by choice and hiding behind the piano, three things I got very tired of doing. I may go back someday, but right now I am enjoying an extended vacation. As for the colleges and universities, there is just too much temptation there for me to want to have to deal with for now, if you know what I mean.

Thank you! Happy day after Thanksgiving to you! The LORD is sooooooooooooooooo good!

I think I figured out how to add a picture, so no more grey icon for me.

I agree, the best way to go about change is the path of truth and grace. Don't compromise grace, and don't compromise truth. Requires being relaxed and being diligent, being secure enough in who we are so as not to be threatened by the perceived "other". I smile to think some people are puzzled by me because I don't fit into their nice little box. If only they understood that temptation is not an identity. I'm no longer threatened by those from both sides who have judged me as a hypocrite because I don't fit into either side. Hopefully many others will continue to also reach that place of Rest In Him and abide there. HE is not ashamed to call me his brother, a fact which continues to blow my mind.

Or 10th member of the US Supreme Court? How do you feel about wearing a black robe?

Guess that makes me Kugsley.

Thank you for sharing this part of your story. Good stuff. God at work, making Himself known. I love it. Reminded me of the history of disconnect between me and my Dad, and an example of it: he didn't invite me to go on deer hunting trips with him because he knew I wouldn't like it, and I didn't ask him to go along because avoiding deer hunting and guns was more important to me than spending time with him (sigh). But what a bonding we had the last month of his life when he was in a hospice bed in his living room. Dad was my biggest fan as far as piano music goes, even though I was "that way" he still loved me. Even though he would send me away when I wanted to look over his shoulder at whatever project he was working on (and when he wasn't watching football games or napping he was always doing something), because he said I made him nervous, now I realize that says as much about his ability to be made nervous as my ability to make him nervous. But I echo your thoughts, God Dad in Heaven more than makes up for any perceived rejection or lack we've had. Yes Praise Him!

Thank you! I needed a good laugh. That line about the cage and being served up as coq au vin was just too funny. Thanks!

Well Said Well Said! I don't go around calling myself an ex-depressive ex-ADD glasses-only-contacts-are-forbidden (aint' nobuddy gunna put those things in my eyes) non-pierced ex-broken-armed half azorean-portuguese ex-roman-catholic etc etc etc etc yuck. I like to refer to myself as a follower of Christ and a new creation In Him with a saved spirit, a being saved soul, and a body not yet saved/regenerated.

Used-to-deeply-believe-I-could-find-a-man-who-would-be-a- good-match-until-surprise of surprises The Spritual Lover made Himself known to me and the physical lovers just weren't so satisfying anymore. How's that?

If you like those crowded noisy urban areas that just go on and on and on where life is mostly cement concrete asphalt metal paint glass heat noise traffic, then by all means visit SF Bay Area and LA Megopolis....in the summertime you could visit Mt Lassen, Lake Tahoe, the Great Sequoia Trees at Sequoia National Park, Calaveras Big Trees, and if you don't mind a few crowds and noise, Yosemite Valley. Only go to Florida if you like to be wetter after you dry off after a shower than you were in the shower. And if you do go to Florida, definitely do NOT go in the summer! I'd have to visit Death Valley afterward just to recover from the humidity.

1. OK, my cat is a big baby too, but a baby that runs away from me instead of jumping and slobbering on me.....
10. No comment about 10? Oh well, not everyone need get excited about natural geologic wonders.....A.D.D. moment here, a few comments about your art: that's cool, becuz I look at your art and think, too random for me, but it only APPEARS to be random to me; the design is there, I just don't get it with my Abstract Concrete (ref: Gregorg) mind...NICE colors! in your art work! Cool! I love the strong colors, none of that French wimpy stuff pale showing in your art......

13. OK, I did 12 instead of 10 because I couldn't decide which 2 to leave out :) then after I posted, I realized that I could be perceived to be whining about dogs and food at Ridgecrest...... :) which would leave me with only 10.......G I M sillee.......PRAISE GOD I forgot to take my pills for two days, one of which is an antidepressant, and for the first time in over 10 years, there is NO E-OR (Pooh's pessimistic mule) dark cloud life-is-not-worth-living hanging over me, I believe I am experiencing a healing here. Part of it again is that not only will no one take away my joy (LORD said so), but no THING is gonna take away my joy either....I'm not gonna be depressed because I have "that" problem.....whoopee!! Now instead of depression I am feeling anxiety: OK LORD, next level of the onion please.......

In no particular order:
1. My cat! Sigh, what's with all you dog lovers? Dogs are rude obnoxious babies and they don't purr!!

2. No longer freaking out about my temptations means they have even less power over me; after 30 years I've come to a point of accepting my weakness (same sex attraction) as a blessing (thorn in the flesh) to keep me from ever thinking or feeling I don't need HIM (God).

3. My wife who agrees with me that "If I can't get along with you, I can't get along with anyone, so lets suffer with Christ and keep going together; nothing in this fallen world is perfect".

4. Indoor plumbing and tap water that doesn't give you montezuma's revenge

5. Chinese Food from Chinese Restaurants in California; not that stuff served at Ridgecrest

6. Good recordings of good music like Brahms which everyone else thinks is sad but I (Mr. Melancholy) think is absolutely gorgeous and it cheers me up!

7. An 8-5 weekday year-round 52-week job with stable monthly paychecks, NO evenings, NO weekends, and I am no longer a community college music accompanist since June 2000 (YEA!)

8. To have inherited good health

9. A Dad who loved me even though I was "that"

10. To have been able to experience in person the beauty that is Yellowstone and Crater Lake and Mount Lassen and Kauai and Palm Springs Aerial Tram and Mendocino Coast and......

11. Salem Radio and Fox News Channel

12. That I've never had to kill anyone or join the military

I like that the outflow from the sun is like a covering, a protective sheet, not something invasive or harmful that is heading straight for me......my brain thinks that the "rays" would be coming off the sphere in all directions like needles pointing out of a pin cushion in all directions up, down, around, outward; my heart is glad that the sun is not doing what my brain expects. Viewing this art is a good practice for my mind to work in ways it is not accustomed. Perhaps I'm one of those lefties who is in his left mind, not his right.....and if so, that's OK.

Piano Man here. I just reread my response to Patrick above, and OK, it is LONG. OK, I'll keep everything short. If I can't say it short, I won't say it. Thank you for having this blog. I don't have a blog, and I'm not about to place my email address here. Thanks again Randy for the blog. :)

What's sorrowful is that apparently he did not feel safe enough in church to share his real self so that people could be praying for him; he must have feared that they might have disowned him and given him the left foot of fellowship, even though he was apparently being faithful to his wife for all those years. What's sorrowful is that he didn't feel safe revealing his temptations, fearing that the fact that he was tempted would seem to some to be tantamount to sinning. What's sorrowful is that the judgmental church members who would disown him merely for being tempted would also have to disown Christ, for Christ was also tempted. And now, instead of receiving support to continue in holiness, he has temporarily turned to walk another way. So I see what there is to pray for is this: that the very people he was afraid of for 30 years will reach out to him; and that if they do not, that his current direction will fail and he will turn back and reach out to the church that will not condemn him for what his temptations are. Sorry, I feel strongly about this, nothing personal. Who knows, perhaps this current situation for him is part of God's plan of redemption for him; it doesn't make sense to me, but then God's ways are far above and better than my ways.

Ellie, did you mean to say, former liars, former murderers, former theives, former rapists? ...and that is what some of you WERE (not are). Doesn't Rev. state that outside are those who did not exchange their lives for His?

Hi Patrick, my thoughts for what they're worth: 1. My primary hope is in the next life, not this one, and I've already entered into the next life in my spirit, am entering into it in my soul, and my body gets to wait until later. So part of me my spirit is rejoicing, part of me is walking and struggling my soul, and part of me my body is dying. It's very true you are in pain; well it's true that I'm in pain too, and I think everyone is in one kind of pain or another. Since I am never totally able to have/do/be everything I want in this life, I accept suffering as a given. And suffering is definitely never pleasant. But I ask you to further consider the thought that some suffering might actually bring forth more good than bad. 2. Holiness isn't what I would naturally think of as a solution for being sexually alone, nor would anyone else naturally think that. So if it is a solution, it's a different solution. My craving for sweets can be solved by eating sweets, but it may also be solved through not eating sweets. Just a thought. 3. The LORD is willing to be with you in spiritual union, and you may find Him to be adequate compensation for the lack of physical union, as odd as it seems. His kingdom really is far out of this world. As for Rules, they literally kill; but the Spirit gives life. 4. I'm not strong enough to live my life alone, very few are, in and of their own strength and power. I suffered when I was with a man, I suffered when I was without a man, now I suffer when I'm with my wife and I suffer when I'm without her. Suffering is a given for everyone. You are not alone in this. You're right, it's not fair. Fair would be the death and permanent destruction of all of us. Harsh? Oh yes. No one is ever good enough to go to heaven, and the LORD had very harsh words for those folks in his day who believed they were good enough. The good news is that we don't have to try, we get to surrender to Him, and the time to do so is now, whenever now is (any time, all the time). There are three kinds of love: spiritual, brotherly/sisterly, and sexual. All are true, but the truest of the three is the permanent ever present one, the spiritual love of Christ Jesus. When he encourages me to glorify God with my body, he's encouraging me to reflect the image of God. Since the image of God is both male and female, I perceive that male and male is only half of God's image, or put another way, instead of Christ the Groom and the Church the Bride, it would be Christ the Groom and Christ the Groom, God making love to himself instead of to us. Yes I agree this whole concept is bizarre, I just ask you to consider it all. 5. RE giving up my own personhood: You are Patrick. If you are in Christ, you are a new creation and you have already given up your personhood, or I should say, your life has been exchanged for His life, which is better than any of ours. I find myself beginning to notice more women over time, and less men. Noticing men still yes. It is a process, so far 24 years of process since I was 22. Would that it would be a shorter process, but then again, that might be too sudden of a shock, so I'll accept the more gradual process. Easy? Fair? No. But I already concluded that life as it was was also not easy and not fair either. God may have attractions for women in your future, but then you'd have to live with dealing with those. Sounds to me like you have enough to deal with already. I confess I don't understand and can't understand what it's like to be a woman in a man's body; I only know what it's like to feel the very intense desire for a man. And I also know that God loves you and wants to be your spiritual lover. To your question How is it sinful? No more than the greedy, or the slanderer, or the self-righteous, etc. 6. I can feel the frustration, I can't fix it, I can't soothe it. The question is for you to decide for yourself, because only you have the right to do that, I don't think anyone is questioning that much. The question is: Is a successful life of lonliness etc. better than the alternative? May you find peace. I believe you'll find peace in the Prince of Peace, but that's just my belief. Thanks for reading. And remember, God can relate to your suffering and God can empathize with your suffering, totally. Scripture explicitly states that he was tempted in all ways as are we, so I conclude that God from his human experience must also know what it is like to feel the pain of feeling like a woman trapped in a man's body, even if only for a short moment in time, and God in his human experience also knows what it's like to never have sex with anyone but to still have sexual desires. Christ MUST be able to totally relate to us as God in human flesh, and the good news is, He does.

Thank you. Part of me grieves (that's a strong word but it fits) each time I hear of another famous musician yielding that-a-way rather than this-a-way, since we must yield regardless, and be slaves/servants regardless. Some say that the message "My yoke is easy and my burden is light" was written to those weighed down by the guilt/shame of the religious do's and don'ts, and that the message "Take up your cross and deny yourself" was written to a different audience in different circumstances, to those who were all about serving themselves, living for pleasure, pleasure seekers, etc. Since I was BOTH weighed down by the rules/regulations/LETTER and I was also a pleasure seeker, I merge the two: taking up my cross is an easy yoke, and denying myself is a light burden. (hopefully that's rightly multiplying the Word; I'm not so good at rightly dividing it). And since I was also in a third category, those looking for the ONE person, I can only recommend the LORD as THAT Person. There are many who can relate, so I gladly add my voice to the chorus of encouragement. I fully expect to be part of the fragrance of life to those being saved, and the fragrance of death to those who are still abiding in judgement and haven't YET turned to HIM, so it's no big thing to receive opposite feedback from opposite sides.

I fear radical transparency, yet I desire it also. Pray that the desire overcomes the fear. This is all about WALKING and PRACTICING day by day, just as everything the Spirit leads us into. Praise God we have THE Advocate Christ Jesus. Praise God the Spirit has the POWER to live His life thru our continually-ongoing-being-crucified-flesh. When the time is right, my wife and I will know, and THEN our testimony will go beyond our pastors in private to our friends and church acquaintances in the local Body. P.S. It was good to see you and Mensley in Fresno in April.