You morons. This is supposed to be funny. If you'd look at the bottom of the column, in italics it says the writer is supposed to be a "humorist." Unfortunately, he's not and one hopes he doesn't actually get paid for these columns as they're not vaguely funny.
You gotta love the morons who think these columns are serious. The writer passes himself off as a "humorist" (that's stated at the bottom of the column) and these columns are supposed to be funny. Sadly, they never are.