Disqus - Latest Comments for lasthome

Re: Bringing Out the Kid in You - Contest Announcement

lasthome — Fri, 23 May 2008 09:47:25 -0000

My entry is up - this is a great contest, thanks so much!

http://lasthome.blogspot.co...

Re: What Moms Really Think About Good Dads

lasthome — Fri, 02 May 2008 14:57:35 -0000

I like your world....

Re: What Moms Really Think About Good Dads

lasthome — Fri, 02 May 2008 13:53:20 -0000

Here's where I might take some issue with the basis of your statement. Now, if a dad can work a lot more than the standard 40-hours a week and still effectively have quality bonding time with the kids, that's ok. Not sure how it can happen, but I trust those that say it does. I don't like it when dads make the excuse that they have to work those hours to make ends meet, or that all those years of college and training force him into the job he's in, and that the lifestyle he's created won't support a reduction, so he'll make time for the kids when it's convenient to him - there are always alternatives and always other jobs. Regardless how much time, education, money and sacrifice have gone into the current position, if it negatively impacts the relationship with the kids, then it's time to find another line of work. And if the family's used to that extra money to support a big house, big cars, expensive clothes, toys, XBoxes, vacations, pools, private schools (I'm guilty of this one), etc, then it's time to scale back the lifestyle.

Two caveats: One, again like with Mr Lady's family I believe her when she says her husband's able to do all that and still be a quality dad. That's great, I'm talking about the ones who aren't quality dads but work 80 hours a week. The other caveat is the one that's barely making ends meet with his job. Maybe circumstances demand he work 2 jobs just to put food on the table, and he's barely making enough to keep the heat on much less buy a decent TV and gas for the car. That's different. Again, it's the dad that's so consumed by his status and work position that he loses sight of what's really important in favor of "stuff" that is wrong.

Re: What Moms Really Think About Good Dads

lasthome — Fri, 02 May 2008 13:43:32 -0000

Wrestling with the kids is easy - it's when we start trying to wrestle with our wives (in a good way!) that difficulties crop up....

Re: What Moms Really Think About Good Dads

lasthome — Fri, 02 May 2008 08:56:41 -0000

I try to be all the things these wives have listed that they see as being qualities of a Good Dad, and I think I succeed most of the time. I am openly affectionate with them and have no problem at all with it. There's not much better than a big squeezy hug from your son or daughter! I help with homework, because I want to and enjoy it, and love to see and help them learn. I go to their soccer games and their practices whenever possible, never laying out just cause there's something on TV. I drive them to choir rehearsals, attend their concerts and parent nights, tuck them in bed and read devotions. Spending spiritual time with my 12-yr-old son as he really begins his journey as a Christian, talking about morals and the way you should live your live, is very special. And he calls me on it if I'm lazy one night and want to skip it :)

The one huge piece of advice I would give dads is to not let your job consume you or your time. There is nothing, nothing in the world that's more important to society than being a good dad. I don't care if you're president of a local board of directors, president of a corporation or President the United States, if you're regularly sacrificing quality time with your kids because you're doing something related to work, you need to immediately reevaluate your priorities. I work 40 hours a week, no more, and am very grateful for it. What little work I have to do at home is almost always after the kids are in bed. My biggest problem is the theatre that I do, as when I am doing a show I'm gone most weekday evenings for about 3-4 weeks. But that's maybe once or twice a year, and I still manage to squeeze in as much time as possible to see them. Take them to school, go to the game before a rehearsal - it's always about them. If you're working 80 hours a week, or if your job takes you away from home so much you start missing those milestones - and believe me, to you one soccer game isn't a milestone but when they score the winning goal and you're not there, it definitely is to them.

Everything you do has to be run through the "is this going to benefit, or at least not hurt my kids" filter. Their lives will be more fulfilling, and so will yours.

Re: What Moms Really Think About - Pet Peeves

lasthome — Thu, 01 May 2008 15:44:00 -0000

Might I suggest a follow-up post or question regarding division of labor? Who does what in the house, and how much?

Re: What Moms Really Think About - Pet Peeves

lasthome — Thu, 01 May 2008 15:43:17 -0000

No, the seriously craptastic job is emptying the litter box. Excuse me, boxES - for our four cats. Ugh, ugh and double ugh.

Re: What Moms Really Think About - Pet Peeves

lasthome — Thu, 01 May 2008 12:01:21 -0000

I figured it was a one-time thing :) Couldn't resist adding it in, though....

I wonder, though, how many of those hideously annoying things our spouses do are really reflections on our own insecurities and quirks. If hubby's constant, um, I don't know...eye-blinking annoys only the wife and not the 100s of other people he interacts with daily or weekly...maybe it has more to do with the wife's sensitivity and lack of tolerance than the husband's doofusness...

Re: What Moms Really Think About - Pet Peeves

lasthome — Thu, 01 May 2008 09:03:30 -0000

Wow, first! Maybe.

I read the things these men do to cheese off their wives, and I think - how neandrethal can some guys be? I mean, really, leaving the toilet clogged and expecting wifey to clean it up? Not playing with the kids, or helping with their needs? I'd never be able to live with myself if I did these things. Not just because my wife would feel neglected or put upon if I did, but I would feel less than a man and a husband or father if I just was just content to go do my own thing while she put up with all the, um, crap.

But one thing that's interesting. One of the lady panelists is peeved when the man doesn't call when he's working late. Another doesn't want to ask permission to go out herself, and doesn't want him to call her to tell her he's going out. I think women give mixed signals to their men when it comes to time apart from each other. Which is interesting, because staying apart time implies a coming back together time (see yesterday's discussion) and conflict here can lead to conflict there. Just be sure to be honest and forthright about your expectations, and why you see them that way.

Still, if I were almost any of the husbands listed here I'd be ashamed of some of the the things they say I do. Not being interested in your day? Ignoring her and the kids in favor of SportsCenter? How Archie Bunker of you...

I do think a little deeper, though, and wonder how much of those stories I'd like to hear the guy's version and see if it's really something they're doing that's irritating or if it's overblown in the ladies' imagination (don't hit me ladies! Just being fair...) Is the guy really completely disinterested in your day, or is he trying to remain interested in the 37th gripe this week about what kid A did to kid B and how SHE had to deal with it by herself, or what manager A did to secretary B in closet C and how EVERYBODY'S sure he's going to dump his wife for her, but not until she gets out of rehab, blah blah blah. Let's consider context on all these things that women consider to be important, but men don't.

Oh and you know, maybe he likes the way he looks with a beard? That's not ok? Maybe you like yourself with short hair - is the fact that he prefers you with long hair (that tangles, and takes forever to wash, and is showing all those gray strands) going to deter you from getting the big trim? Maybe he feels the same way about the beard covering up a weak chin, or maybe he feels more masculine with it. There are two sides to every story, and we're only hearing one of them....

Now I have to decide if I want to put down my wifey pet peeves and risk her reading them :) Oh well, if she reads my comments yesterday and the day before about sex and looks, I'm screwed. And not in a good way...

Re: What Moms Really Think About SEX

lasthome — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 15:10:14 -0000

Another thing that's hugely important should be fairly equitable (at least what's comfortable to both partners) initiation of sex. If it's always the man that does it - in other words, there would be no sex if he didn't bring up the subject - what does that eventually do for his self-image? For his confidence in his own looks, skill, virility, and a hundred other criteria. If the woman is the only one that ever rolls over in bed and starts "canoodling" and the man rarely if ever wakes up, or even notices, how is the woman supposed to feel? There has to be a fair division in when it's brought up - especially if it's rarely actually scheduled and is mostly spontaneous.

Re: What Moms Really Think About SEX

lasthome — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 15:04:38 -0000

I'm going to comment here without having read all the other comments, because I don't want my point to get sidetracked.

I understand that women are different than men in that they have different hormones, and after having children there are certain things that happen to the chemical and physical makeup of a woman's body that don't happen to men. I understand how those differences have to be acknowledged.

But as for the rest - work stress, home stress, taking care of kids stress, etc etc etc. I don't see that as an adequate excuse, unless the husband is doing none of the work. I for one, since our kids were born (and they're 12 and 8 now) have almost equally split the daily chores and kid care between us. We both work full time, come home, spend time with the kids, do housework when necessary like laundry and cleaning, make dinner, help with homework, pack for school the next day, get them in bed and settled. All the things the moms above mentioned above, I do most every day. And I don't think I've once been just too mentally or physically exhausted to want to get close to my wife at day's end. Certainly not enough to where a pattern could be seen....

There's always enough energy left over, and we each expend about the same energy during the day - what it takes is, a) enjoying it, b) getting something personal and fulfilling out of it with the one you love, c) understanding it's important to a healthy relationship.

If there's enough excuses of "not tonight, I'm tired", "the kids are pooping/peeing/stressing me out too much", or "I don't have time..." to not be isolated incidents, then there's something else at work.

I'm just saying if it's important to you, you'll make time for it. You won't make excuses. As some said, it can be used as a manipulation and control tool and even subconsciously it's damaging to a relationship

Re: What Moms Really Think About Physical Appearances

lasthome — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 12:16:38 -0000

Here's another direction this question could take - ladies:

1) On a scale of 1-10, how attractive did you consider your man when you first dated/were married? Not how attractive you think he was, but how attractive he was to you....

2) On a scale of 1-10, after say ten years, has that number changed for you? Do you think it's changed in his outward appearance to others?

3) On a scale of 1-10, how bout those of you out there after 15 or more years? Same? More? Less? Is he more attractive to you now with years, grey, maturity, experience, etc?

I think that's what husbands want to know and be confident of - not whether they're necessarily still (or more) good-looking, attractive or sexy to the world in general, but that their wives are still as or more attracted to them after all the years, kids, jobs, headaches, arguments, vacations, school, moves, 2nd jobs, makeups, flirtations, etc. And if the answer is "less", what can we do to rekindle that attraction?

Re: What Moms Really Think About Physical Appearances

lasthome — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 10:03:30 -0000

Of course I could be basing my views on a few people who are actually out in left field in their opinions of me. I'll leave the truth for everyone else to decide ;)

Re: What Moms Really Think About Physical Appearances

lasthome — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 09:46:51 -0000

It's odd, and I say this in an entirely objective way without narcissism and based on empirical evidence from other people, that I've apparently grown better looking as I've gotten older. According to others who've told me, I'm more attractive now at 41 than I was at 21 or 31 apparently. I don't personally see it, but that's what I hear. And it's odd how other women treat me now - not that they're falling at my feet, but there's a bit more interest here and there, which can feel odd. Either I've grown into my body (which like any other 40-yr-old has thickened in the middle) or my personality has simply evolved to the point it's more noticeable.

My wife is still beautiful with or without makeup, which I try to tell her a lot but she doesn't really believe me :) I'd like to find ways to convince her she's still as or more attractive as when I first met her but it's difficult to find ways that truly sound sincere and don't sound fake or empty flattery. It's difficult to convince women that they are still attractive and sexy and all that after a certain age and amount of time..

Re: What Moms Really Think About Marriage - The Good, Bad and Ugly

lasthome — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 15:22:49 -0000

One of the hardest things about marriage is for each spouse to find out what the other needs to feel loved, wanted and appreciated. Each of us has our own idea of what makes us feel loved - for some it's physical closeness and affection, for others it's time together. Also there's doing things for you, giving you things, and merely saying the right thing at the right time. But what the husband needs and assumes the wife needs, may not actually be what she needs. And the wife might need something and assume the husband needs it to, while all along the husband needs something else. Without proper communication and trust, they can go years and years gritting teeth and bearing it, assuming they are loved by their partner but never really knowing for sure.

Re: Dos & Don'ts of Motivating Dad - Advice for Moms

lasthome — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 14:59:50 -0000

Here's my take on this bit of controversy. While men are no less willing or capable of tending to a very fair share of household chores, for a lot of us it was simply not hard-wired into us exactly what to do, and when to do it. We have no problem doing them, we just need some help here and there to remember, or to realize that smell means this, or the empty pizza boxes piling up need to be tossed out. A lot of this is a result of growing up in households where, as the stereotype says, the moms kept the house and the kids, and the dads won the bread and fixed the car. All it takes is a gentle reminder, "Honey - can you take out the trash...it's starting to smell" when we forget can do wonders. Again, it's not a lack of will or laziness (even with the "good" husbands, it just doesn't come instinctively to us. HoneyDo lists actually work well for guys that are ok with pulling their fair share. The wives just need to recognize where those deficiencies lie.

In the same vein - I don't expect a "reward" for doing what I should be doing. But, as the poster said, praise and feedback shouldn't be withheld. A hug and kiss here, backrub there (mutual, of course) and physical affection is simply what both spouses should never hold back as a pawn in a one-upsmanship game. There's no better way for me to purposefully unmotivate myself to helping out is when I don't feel I'm appreciated. I know we're not in it for the appreciation, and being a good dad and husband should be reward in and of itself, but married life shouldn't be a constant power play. Show him you love him and are glad he pulls his share, and he'll be a happier guy, and will stay close to you.