http://disqus.com/by/kathryn1951/enTue, 18 Aug 2009 23:07:03 -0000http://www.thinkmaya.com/2009/04/08/the-calm-fir/#comment-15043130<p>i appreciate running across your comments, but i find that after many years of being a mom and a wife i am now by myself with my pets. i find that having worked for over 35 years my savings are gone, my home and a few others due to two divorces are gone, too. i worked hard to do the right thing yet i find i wonder what for? always concerned about money with so-called abundance all around, always robbing peter to pay paul no matter how much i work. what would you do should you find yourself with your children gone and not much communication? what about no husband? no home? no assets in material sense? i find that i make corn bread or take a walk, or drink a few beers (careful about that), listen to music on the internet (no tv and no radio except a portable radio with poor reception), fortunately free wi fi (no home now, but a small travel trailer i managed to keep all these years). then i look around and see more clothes than i can wear, plenty of blankets and a couple of beautiful quilts, but at times very little food, yet i manage, use mayonaisse for oil in a home made batter bread, plenty of "emergency tuna" and a few noodles. i have water, feet that still walk easily, eyes that see the birds and the bay that is near, even if it means walking to it, since no vehicle due to no money for insurance, must make the payment. getting ripped off by creditors, yet i am honest, and say i do what i can. hearing of high paid movie stars and sports people; i do not listen too often and i do not watch movies. look up old celebrities and see how much trouble they are in! even with all their money. i think of patients i have had who suffered for no reason, greedy doctors. yet from time to time kind souls who seem to truly care, or a patient who actually feels better about my being there. nasty coworkers for no good reason. my jealousy of many yet my ability to realize it and get through it. family who turn a deaf ear to my problems when i finally express them and ask for help; no good reason, i have not abused them either emotionally or financially, ever. so, i wonder what is wrong with me or is it them? yet, slowly i can release that, very slowly, just to say, it is them, they are fearful for many reasons, some are selfish, most are fearful, and even though i do not matter much to them and never have, and so they lost the love i could have given, afraid to say such a thing, but it is true. i am kind, not perfect by any means at all, but considerate and caring and often very compassionate to see their side of their fears, so that is greater than their lack of caring for me, does this make sense?</p><p>so, these are my journal comments for today. i, too, have some type of inner strength, inner quiet fire that keeps me going, not sure why; even the pets are not enough of a reason, but i find that i can enjoy just the simple things and so despite my tossing and turning in my sleep with worry far too often, i get up, afraid, but shake myself out of it, and try again for another day. </p>kathryn1951Tue, 18 Aug 2009 23:07:03 -0000