Disqus - Latest Comments for jessfreeborn

Re: Erotic Fiction Contest - Contest Entry - The Hope

jessfreeborn — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 23:27:41 -0000

The story build up towards a climax, but I do feel disappointed at the end. Like the main character, I also feel as I'm left hanging. It seems to need something more at the end. The "fifteen years of carefully cultivated secularism" makes it seem as if the main character takes a moral decision such as being a secular and cultural jew to be a minor thing while the religious jew is lifted up on a pedestal. After the reader is lead all this way, it seems like the story should continue a little longer to wrap it up. You are obviously a very talented writer, so I don't doubt that you could lift this story up to even a higher level.

Re: Erotic Fiction Contest - Contest Entry - A Night on the Town

jessfreeborn — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 15:49:54 -0000

I like the way your story is moved along through dialogue. One doesn't get bored reading it, and there are't any issues with grammar. Here are a couple thoughts, if your open:

1) It'll flow even better if much of the "he said"/"she said" is eliminated. For instance, in the 1st communication, it could be something like:

I asked, "Who are you waiting for?"

"A girl." He tried not to look at me.

"Who needs a girl, when you have a woman right here?" I could tell I had him intrigued because he shifted his body towards me. I asked him generic questions, and he enjoyed the attention.

This kind of thing could be done throughout the story, and I think you'd be very happy with the result.

2) This sex scene could be made more meaningful if it were inserted into a story or if there seemed to be some purpose to the sex. Even if it is just sex for sex's sake, it still has some kind of meaning for the main character even if that meaning only gets implied.

I hope you don't mind feedback, Michele. Good luck!

Re: Erotic Fiction Contest - Contest Entry - On the Verge of Emptiness

jessfreeborn — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 19:34:48 -0000

Impressive piece; interesting thoughts on the meaning of having "Padres" playing on the field.