Sometime after Bern left, Lydia found herself sitting alone. She felt eyes staring at her, and upon looking over her shoulder she noticed an alien. As it approached she thought in her mind..."Why?". The alien quite unexpectedly replied in a Peewee Herman voice, "Because free wifi!" She suddenly felt an inexplicable urge to goto Starbucks even though she didn't want coffee. She got up and walked over to the nearest one, somehow knowing that the alien who had spoken to her had now turned invisible.
Standing outside the coffee shop, she suddenly felt relieved, and turned around to stare at the alien, even though he was still invisible. In her mind she thought again. "Why?" Two tentacles presently made themselves visible in front of her face. The tips of the tentacles made a rubbing motion that reminded her of a person rubbing his fingers together in an old fashioned gesture to signify cash.
"Because data roaming!" The comical voice startled her.

Well, I can't say that your eagerness to publish this ~*alleged*~ rapist is uncharacteristic of your "publication."