I don't agree with labeling one type of abuse as worse than another. Each of us reacts differently to abuse. I suffered emotional and sexual abuse for many years. None of this was visual. No one knew. My children didn't know. I completely agree with the statement that "keeping the family together" is toxic when it contains an abuser. My ex-husband has convinced many people that I am the bad one. I have come to realize the people that believe him do not matter to me. I get it -- he is believable. The men that abuse become very good at maintaining that "good guy" persona.

Dominance seems to be the 'new religion' of the country. Happens everywhere - just not to this degree. Very tragic.

Emotional abuse is actually worse because those wounds never ever heal. I experienced physically, emotionally, and financially abusive through marriages and relationships for most of my life I was in and out abuse shelters through all of it getting counseling at all of them. I stayed because he would have custody of our daughter and I wouldn't let that happen. I knew he would be abusing her to get even with me for divorcing him, so I stayed. I finally left after she grew up and I knew he couldn't hurt her to get even with me. I lived with him for 19 years and didn't divorce until married for 25 years.I got news for you. I was trapped and so are a lot of other women. I paid all the bills but because he is the man so head of the household, they were in his name. I worked at just a little over minimum wage. It barely covered the rent and utilities bills. I'm diabetic and have other health issues as well. I didn't have money to get my medication. He worked but refused to pay anything except his car payment and diamond rings on HIS fingers. I had no credit of my own. I lived in extreme poverty while had a wallet full of credit cards to use if he needed. Because of all this, I have come to a conclusion that marriage is not to a woman's best interest.

Read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft and share it with every woman you know. If anyone wants a link to a free copy, let me know.

I would like the link for a free copy please.

https://drive.google.com/op...

No one has the right to take another person's life. No one. But that being said, my heart goes out to both of them. What that man did was horribly wrong, but we have to ask ourselves... How did it get to this point? What made him think that this was okay?

We're so quick to label people as "bad" or "evil," but we fail to recognize how these bad and evil behaviors come up. Bad people aren't born. They're created. Based on the information above, it sounds like this man grew up in a seriously dysfunctional family that modeled some really shitty behavior. And while that's no excuse, anyone who has grown up in an F'd up family knows what that means. We pick up behaviors either by mimicking what we see, or by responding to the situations in our environment. And that's a problem, because these behaviors become rooted in our subconscious, and we'll be doing things without knowing how or why. We may not even know what we're doing! This is something we all do, because that's the way the brain works. But people who have been in hostile situations and dysfunctional environments express this in a much more disturbing way.

I don't support this man's terrible actions in any way. But I also feel for him. I have no doubt that he has been through pain and bullshit. How else could he have come to this?

No, absolutely not. I can not let stand your comment that he wasn't a "bad or evil man". I don't care what kind of a life he grew up in, he indeed was a bad man who deliberately controlled his wife by demeaning and emotionally and mentally abusing her. As an adult you can make choices about how you behave and he made the choice to be abusive and the ultimate choice that he had the right to take not only his wife's life, but his children's too. That is an evil act and he made it. He doesn't get a pass because "he might have had a dysfunctional family". There are many people who have grown up in bad situations who are not abusive and they are not murderers. He absolutely doesn't get a pass for his acts.

Agreed. I don't think that anyone has the right to take another person's life. So, that makes this act unacceptable.

I'm curious. Were you abused as a child? Did you have drug addicted parents? Were you ever molested? Did you grow up in a neighborhood or family where crime was rampant? Even accepted or expected?

Have you experience with any of the above? I do. Fortunately for me, I ran away from home at 13 and ended up living in group homes and foster homes. My time in “the system” got me therapy and helped me to develop an awareness of my behavior. Most importantly, it showed me a whole other kind of “normal.” If I hadn’t experienced this, I would have only ever known my life. The examples my parents set. The bullying from kids at school. The self-loathing and bitterness I had developed for myself based on how I was treated (or wasn’t treated) by others.

There is some fascinating research that reveals how and why our brain works, and how our life experiences affect us. Does it make our actions okay? Hell no. But it sure as shit means that our society has HUGE problems to address. Problems that can only be resolved by going to the very root of what provoked them to sprout in the first place. If you’d like to learn more, I’d recommend watching John Assaraf’s brain-a-thon, where he interviews various experts within this field.

https://www.youtube.com/wat...

I can't condemn people, because I can recognize they have a deep need for help. Had I not ran away from home, I may have never received the help I so desperately need. And who knows where I would be now...

I have experienced several types of abuse, although not child abuse, but the man knew what he did to his wife was wrong and the act he committed was heinous.

Many girls are raised in violent homes but they don't grow to become murderers of men and children. Men are socialized in male dominant societies to see women as inferior and deserving of men's violence. This is a sociological political phenomenon that can't be reduced to psychological dysfunction.

It's called the #manbox. Then its an issue of shame, as Brene Brown, describes that pull us down and rips us apart.

Exactly. It goes much deeper than someone just being a "bad" person. There's a sickness that pervades our families, our culture, and our country. And much of us are lost to this because this kind of sick mentality and behavior is what we grow up in. How can we realize it's errors and negative consequences when it's all we've ever known? When everyone we spend our time with has this exact same mindset. We've got to wake up.

Yeah, it's hard to wake when we don't know we're asleep.

Many girls raised in violent homes become people who tend to harm themselves more than others...

You are doing great work here. There are so many types of abuse women are brainwashed into accepting by Patriarchy. This article breaks my heart, but I hope women read it and understand their fears are real, their abuse is real even without physical scars. Internal ones can be so much worse.

He was not a "good guy". He murdered his children. He murdered his wife. He killed his dog. That is not the behavior of a "good guy". I understand & empathize with the tortured minds of his family. Obviously he was really, really good at fooling people when he wanted to. But in no way was he a "good guy" by any sane definition of "good". HE MURDERED THEM. Terrible but true.

My sister was in an emotionally, psychologically and, perhaps, physically abusive relationship as well. She didn't discuss it and he always played the loving husband. She shot herself one day with a gun he bought for her (he loved his guns - he had a large number of assault weapons). When her husband called to tell me about her death, he sounded very angry, more put out than distraught. He had the reasons for her suicide all ready, despite the fact that she did not leave a note and he said she was not depressed in the days / weeks leading up to death. He provided details of the events leading up to her death, but the details were inconsistent and he often contradicted himself. After her death, he continued to abuse her by immediately taking down her Facebbok page where information about the service was being posted and friends were sharing memories. He refused to even have a service or publish an obituary (I had to arrange these). There was an ongoing police investigation, however it was eventually dropped because her suicide was caught on tape. Her husband had set up surveillance cameras in and around the house, and she shot herself in front of one of these cameras. What makes this situation unique is that the cameras and microphone also recorded the events leading up to her death - which greatly differed from what her husband told us. There was a 10 minute rampage by her husband of how worthless she was, how he would leave her to deal with financial issues - he threw things at her, and all the while she sat there quietly taking it. 2 minutes after he finished his verbal assault she killed herself. I tried to have some sort of lawsuit filed against him, but none of the lawyers I spoke to would take the case, I suspect because it was suicide. The laws need to change to hold people accountable if there is evidence that they contributed to the death of someone who commits suicide. IMO they are an accessory to murder in the second degree.

My apologies if I have strayed from the original topic here, but I wanted to point out that abusers can be responsible for the death of someone even if the don't pull the trigger.

this is terrible and sad, but mostly indescribable for you and your family, it makes me angry that her husband could get away with this. i'm truly sorry for your loss.

That was murder not suicide, he pulled the trigger via the strings he had her tied up with. Stay strong, and be a voice where you can.

Instead of saying 'She should have left' how about 'He should have left'! He was the perpetrator - he did not have to murder to her.

Yes, and he should have checked himself into a mental hospital - or prison.

Good article until you decided to use a completely stupid word, credibility went down to 0 after that. Try keeping it professional.

as a domestic violence counselor we never ever encourage people to tell their spouse or anyone, that they are leaving, except the one person they are going to, the article is right in that 75% of murders of spouses happen when they are leaving. She should have done it covertly, always have an escape plan, take time to plan your departure, don't just think you can hop up off the couch after an argument and leave (not saying she did this, just for reference).

Its obvious this man was extremely dangerous, killing his children and his dog shows that.

"She should have done it covertly, always have an escape plan, take time to plan your departure, don't just think you can hop up off the couch after an argument and leave..."

Yeah, you're right. The dumb broad totally deserved it.

"as a domestic violence counsellor ... "

I'm skeptical about your claim.

Yes, she should have done this, and she should have done that. It's fine and good to talk about these things, because this practical advice can save lives, but ...

Did it occur to you that this man, who was not a physical abuser, but a covert abuser (and probably a very skilled one, since the marriage lasted for 16 years), managed to assuage Megan's fears just ENOUGH that she let her guard down? That part of his premeditated murder plan was to make her think he had accepted her decision to leave and that he had even offered, in a phoney gesture of good-will, to help her move her things out of the house?

And goodness knows what else he did, in the privacy of their home -- in those last few weeks after he bought the gun -- to lull Megan into a false sense of security. I would imagine that he was awfully quiet, calm, and peaceful to the point of submission, playing the role of the doting father who only wants to maintain a good relationship with his kids, despite separating from their mother.

Can't you imagine any of this?

"She should have done it covertly..." You do realise that human beings are fallible. Most are not trained operatives or cool under fire. Why do you focus on what she should have done? This article like articles about sexual assault tries to put the onus on the perpetrator not the victim. One has to acknowledge reality ... but you seem to be blaming the victim for not 'having her shit together'. Maybe she didn't receive the best advice, maybe in the heat of the moment she didn't have the presence of mind to follow all the guidelines given to her by counselors. Should she have died because of potential missteps? Not in my opinion. Seems a bit flippant to say "don't think you can hop off the couch ... and leave". I don't think I would want you to be my counselor in the event I needed it. One estimate (based on UK data) is that women get abused 35 times before they consider reporting the abuse. I think there is probably a lot of rumination (every time the abuse happens) about what to do.

the moment I read that I knew it was trauma that led the victim to do as she did.

But that does not excuse the murderer in any way.

Blaming the victim is so easy.

The spotlight must be kept on the perpetrator and not on the victim- end of.
In UK I know female victims who did report and got jailed and sent to mental institutions- because they APPEARED MENTALLY ILL ....when in fact a trained professional would have spotted the traumatised victim and the charming perpetrator.
I asked this lady to ask police if this had happened before - re jailing victim and she said Yes.
So then I asked her to ask police if the perpetrator had done similar to other victims- they looked it up and sue enough there were 3 other victims - one in jail, one tagged and the other in mental hospital....all because the charming professional perpetrator institutionally groomed the professionals and got away with it 3 times.
Now many female victims do not come foreward in UK and Ireland because they know from our older sisters what the game is, thet they will not be believed- because in law all women are feeble minded and Eve ill Liars etc.

"Blaming the victim is so easy" Yes, not to take away or in any way minimize the horror and trauma that comes for living in abusive relationships but this culture is to a great degree founded on always accusing the victim in mostly any situation. 'We' (society) do it all the time. An easy example would be if you have a burglar in your car or home, first thing they ask is if you had the doors/windows locked. Why? Because if not its apparently your fault that someone decided to steal your stuff.
And one can go on and on and on when victims are blamed for things other do to them, that has not been asked for.

I'm not sure what word you're talking about?

"last week..." I think this person disliked it right form the start for being yet another important piece.

Great article! I forwarded it to my daughter, who was in an emotionally abusive relationship. Thank you!

Be careful sending her stuff to FB or email, if he sees it, it could make him angry, instead print it out and hand it to her when you see her. That way she can read it and dispose of it before he can see it.

My daughter is in this position but has been isolated from all family and friends. I wish I could get articles to her but her husband a MH professional has her closed in. 😢

That's terrible. I am so sorry to hear that. It's sad that the only ways around dealing with a wealthy, prominent abusive male, especially one who works in the mental health or legal/judicial system, are extralegal and extremely dangerous.

Oh thanks Autumn for caring!! Luckily, she wised up and dumped him on May 4th, so he is out of the picture. No contact between them since.

She's still statistically in high danger for two years after the separation. She needs to be very careful. Good luck and take care.

Megan Short was afraid. Of course she was.

http://www.mcall.com/news/n...

"Berks County District Attorney John Adams said on July 18, police were called to the Short's home for a domestic dispute, but no charges were filed. Police said Megan Short said she was afraid of her husband and officers told her how to obtain a protection-from-abuse order, but Megan Short declined, Adams said."

Meanwhile, over at NBC, they're still quoting his relatives who describe him as "a family man." And some commenters over there, like so many of the asshole commenters/trolls who showed up here at Feminist Current, are terrified of the truth about male violence and will say any idiotic thing, any meaningless drivel, in an effort to make people shut up about it. Example:

' ... it's called "sensationalism"... The entire family is dead, including the dog. It doesn't matter who did the shooting. They are all gone. Forever.'

Yeah, sure, right, it doesn't matter -- let's just allow the public to believe there's no difference between victim and perpetrator, since both are dead. So goddamn stupid! Worse than stupid, I believe that these people (and there are many women among them) who have persistent urges to deflect pointed discussion, and cover up the nature of male crimes, are truly dangerous. They help abusive and murderous men feel unchallenged, freer and safer to do as they wish with their families. Take them on a fun family vacation, or buy a gun and kill them all -- whatever the man feels is best for them.

"The entire family is dead, including the dog. It doesn't matter who did the shooting." Are the people who make these kinds of statements the same people who constantly yelp about crime rates and the need for ever more repressive measures to be taken? Isn't crime prevention part of the duty of a society's governments and police services. If you don't know who is committing a certain type of violent crime how do you even begin to solve the problem? Or provide assistance to victims (i.e. budget for those services)?

"Worse than stupid, I believe that these people (and there are many women among them) who have persistent urges to deflect pointed discussion, and cover up the nature of male crimes, are truly dangerous."

There's the banality of evil for you. Male violence is a just natural phenomena beyond our control and Eichmann was just making sure the trains ran on time...

It is a good article altho I see that the point was missed by most if not all. The stories were used as examples of the type of abuse which is so often missed because there are no physical marks. The only ones who see it are the friends and family of the one being manipulated and yes, isolation is the greatest effective tool.
All abuse is not particular to any one race, gender, size etc.
I've seen very big people go through abuse from even the smallest of people, I've known men who complained of rape, and mental abuse.
Being logical one would understand that men do suffer the same abuses as women but I see no where in the article that says men suffer more than women.
The article is good to show or remind us that what we see with the naked eye is not the same as what happens behind closed doors and yes, the abused gets used to the idea that there is good and bad with everything in life and we should just learn to be thankful for the good.
I grew up witnessing and enduring all types of abuse so when it started happening to me, I rebelled against it and ended up being a single parent.
There are so many resources available today then in the 1950s to the 1980s but still we need to be aware of those who need help in our circle as they may not know they need help or that help is even available.

So basically you MRAs are all saying women don't get abused by men as much as men do by women.....do you remember Hedda Nussbaum? Or even Tracey Thurman? These women were not only beaten beyond recognition, but mentally and psychologically abused by their men as well, yet women are the abusers. What planet do you people live on?

I'd also like to add that it took me almost 5 years to leave a narcissistic, abusive piece of garbage (he wasn't a man, but a wimp) that enjoyed playing mind games, using whatever I said against me, etc. Will I ever go through that again? Fuck no.

He was a man.

nametheproblem. com

Even if you have gazillion of evidence that he is not only physically violent but also a narcissistic liar and financially abusive...the injustice system will join him to help persecute those who seek help. To women who get battered out there, do not call anyone and especially do not call the lawyers. They will take very thing you have including probably the only reason that you stayed that long in the marriage and the only reason why you left because it was no longer safe for you and your children. Trust me they will leave you for dead on the side of a dumpster and if you survive that, the inhumane torture, physical and mental, financial and legal abuse to follow will last you until you stop breathing!!!!

Yes, that is absolutely true, and he will be awarded full custody of the children and use them to further any emotional abuse by abusing them and teaching them to hate their mother.

A lot are missing the point. You don't always see the bruises and even close relatives and acquaintances make you feel as if you're the crazy one because you have this wonderful guy. Eventhough, they know all the hateful hurtful things he does while he's out there in the streets. Someties you don't see the bruises.

"The feminist claws coming out" sounds like a patriarchy defender to me.
Women are furious - and why shouldn't we be?!
The rate of men who murder women is rising, not falling. Women are the invisible victims - still.

We need a new movement - at the very least.

It's not just spousal abuse - parents do this to their kids too. My mother was a case in point - she physically abused me, but the constant mental and emotional abuse remains with me to this day, and I'm 63 years old. She not only did it to me, she did it to my dad - she isolated him from friends (you don't need friends if you love yourself [yeah, right]), she isolated him from family, she required that he let her know if he was going to be late getting home from work (he was a mechanic and worked on farm equipment - during spring/summer/fall, he had to sometimes go to farms to work on equipment for farmers and cell phones didn't exist at the time, but he needed to call her and give her an exact time when he would be home, like that was possible). All I ever heard from her was that if birth control pills had been around when she got married (in 1952), she never would have had kids, I was a mistake and my brother was planned so I wouldn't be an "only" child (and he didn't get half of the abuse I got), and how worthless I was and how nothing I ever did was ever going to be good enough (get an "A" on the report card, it should have been an "A+"). She died 6 years ago, and when I got the call, the first thing I thought was "Ding dong, the wicked bitch is dead" - I hadn't talked to her in 15 years and that was the best move I ever made in my life - ignoring her and cutting her out of my life.
Back when all this was happening, people in our family (and the whole damn town) knew what was going on, but in the 50s/60s/70s, it was "none of our business, we can't interfere in someone else's life". Thanks a lot for watching an abusive, narcissistic bitch ruin my life - 10 years of therapy and Prozac still can't undo all the damage she did - I don't trust people, and I'm cynical as hell when it comes to life and what people will do to others.

The problem is, a lot of times kids in foster care get treated just as poorly, because those who have them don't see them as fully human. There are definitely kind, loving foster parents, but there are many who are not kind and are controlling and abusive as well.

I have a wonderful mother and I want to thank you for reminding me not to take that or her for granted. I'm very sorry that that was your experience. I don't see any silver lining so I won't feed you any b.s.. Except not being bound by made up notions of what people will or won't do. That's enlightening at least. I hate when people say things like "he could never commit murder, it's not in him. He's not capable of murder." No one is a murderer until they murder someone.

Hidden abuse is a dark reality in our world. These are expert con men/women, who are often seen as upstanding citizens due to their charismatic, charming persona. The psychological, emotional and verbal abuse of Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths is soul-destroying and dangerous. A lack of compassion and empathy can lead to terrifying--and in this case, fatal--outcomes.

Great post. Thank you.