A lot of middle schoolers are going to be flunking History for the next decade or two.
"Billy, why was the Civil War important?"
"Because Captain America and Iron Man stopped being friends, Mrs. Smith."

"What's so civil about war, anyway?" -Axl Rose, leader of the Inhumans

"And you, you can suck my ass" - the poet Axl Rose.

Axl needs to get a job as a delivery person. One of those jobs where they say "We will be arriving between noon and 8pm." With his lax approach to punctuality, I think this would suit him down to the ground.

"I get up around seven, get on the stage around nine..."

I think he should be a Yoga teacher.

He can work on your shanananananananana-knees-knees.

Very nice.

That genuinely brought a smile to my face, well done sir.

Genuine lol.

"And you, you can fuck my ass."

--Blake Rose

"Get in the ring, motherfucker" - the everyman Axl Rose

I went out a few times with girl last summer, and one night we got into talking about Captain America: Civil War. She had seen several of the Marvel movies at that time, but she hadn't ever read any of the comics. She had asked me why/how did Captain America travel back in time to the 1860s during the American Civil War to better understand what the next Cap movie would be about.

Yeah, that didn't work out.

The man problem is that this story is a complete lie and that never happened.

So, let me get this straight: You found a girl you liked enough to go out with more than once. And then, she showed an interest in something you were passionate about by asking an empirically logical question concerning the subject.

This gave you an opening to demonstrate your knowledge of said subject, and in so doing, demonstrate your expertise. And then, you dropped her like a hot potato? Yeah. I'm afraid you may be the idiot in this scenario, my friend.

Not really, because you know good and well this dude doesn't have and has never had a girlfriend. It's probably someone he talked to online that turned out to be a man.

Alternatively you could have just answered her very reasonable question.

I knew it was bullshit right after you said...

"I went out a few times with girl last summer"

Problem was, she read books with more than 15 pages.
You're better off without her.
Yeah, the world is tough for nerds. Go to Hollywood, make $15 million, and THEN look her up - she'll drop at your feet.

If it didn't work out because of that you are a pathetic piece of shit.

If she was hot, you should have made it work. A girl that dumb who's hot is worth it.

Yeah, that's a completely reasonable question for anyone.

It does seem perfectly reasonable if she hadn't read the comics.

She was fat.

I got one for you.

A woman I was dating was all crazy about seeing "Chicago" and begged to see it for weeks. So I took her. She was stone-faced throughout. Afterwards I asked her what she thought and she said she didn't like it at all. She hates musicals and didn't realize that it was one.

I spent a lot of money on that night but it saved me so much more in the long run.

Breaking up with her saved you from a LOT of things.

And while she didn't know the context of a hobby you're passionate about, you're probably an expert on everything she's into and never had to ask her any questions because you didn't know something.

She probably had a penis right?

If I'm with a girl who hasn't read or has a clue about Marvel's civil war, Batman's Court of Owls, Gaiman's Sandman, Miller's Dark Knight Returns, Phoenix saga, 300, Sin City, Killing Joke, Blackest Night, Moore Watchmen or any of the other time wasters I went on I'd be more than happy. As long as the chick's favourite reading material isn't the twilight saga I don't give a shit whether she knows whose side spiderman was on in the civil war comics.

They're making big technological advancements with Real Dolls, I've read. Within the decade, tops, you could have any girl you want. Or guy. Or both. Who's to say a fully-formed hermaphrodite sex doll isn't the best bang for your buck.

You poor, lonely man.

I thought the cause of the Civil War was Slave 1?

The really sad part is that they’re throwing away their education on one of the lesser MCU big crossovers. Maybe not as bad as Inferno, but it’s certainly one of the weaker big events.

Tony Stark comes across as a fascist asshole, they invalidate years of historical relationship, and then they completely invalidate the big Spider-man reveal. It was a pretty lame story overall which felt totally forced. I thought Winter Soldier was surprisingly good, so I have some faith they’ll make an entertaining film, but the source material is a big problem.

Now, if the kids were somehow neglecting their education due to an over involvement in The Age of Apocalypse, that I could fully support…..

I agree, pretty much completely, with your take on the comics. Funny thing is, I'm pretty confident the Russo bros are going to twist Civil War into something much better than the comic, and Brian Singer will have a hell of a time making his Apocalypse film live up.

The problem is that you know that the Avengers will eventually get together again for 'Infinity War', so there is not much at stake.
It's not that I don't look forward for a good old superhero mash-up, but they should have saved this for the end of 'Phase 3'.

Well, in Tony's defense......he is a drunk. They tend to do that.

Not on Disney's watch. In Iron Man 3, he was sober as a mormon.

Yeah, he was.

When everyone was looking.

I would agree the film characterization of Stark has been a bit all over the place.

I think my main issue with the whole Civil War storyline is that Stark has always had a very uneasy alignment with the government. Sure, he's okay using them to make some serious money, but he's always held back on giving them full access to his technology (they even went this direction with Iron Man 2).

In the 80's there was a great Iron Man story arc called the Armor Wars, where Stark decided to take his technology back from those who were utilizing it without his consent - this included the U.S. government. He went so far as to attack the U.S government directly (the Vault, the Guardsmen etc.)

In Civil War after one superhero blows himself up suddenly Stark is for identity registration etc - essentially becoming everything he's resisted for a long time. Downey himself is best in the role when's he's playing more anti-establishment, his personality doesn't really meld well with the jack-booted thug persona.

Still really interested in the film based on the Russo brothers - I think Winter Soldier has actually improved with subsequent viewings. And, they can't really go with the story-line from the comics; since the world isn't populated with that many superheroes they'll have to take the core conflict in a different direction (based on the trailers, I assume it's mostly about Bucky himself).

Ultimately I can't complain - we're living in the golden age of comic book film-making. I haven't seen Deadpool yet, but the simple fact that film even exists is pretty fucking amazing. I think there's a good chance we're close to hitting the comic film saturation point - and we're close to having to turn over some key characters - Jackman's Wolverine and Downey's Iron Man in particular, but for now, I'll just enjoy the ride.

Just hope they don't turn Stark into a complete dick.

(one week later)

Mrs Smith - "Mr and Mrs Billy, i've called you here to discuss your sons behavior and frankly, i'd like to get right down to it... Your son needs whatever they substitute Ritalin with in the future, desperately.."

Mr. Billy "Woah woah Something against Iron Man, Mrs. Smith?? You listen here, my great grandfather collected these books for HIM, not for some liberal modern day pseudo-therapist teacher woman like yourself! You want to erase my culture, well you don't have that power MRS SMITH!"

Mrs. Billy - "We'll keep him off the comics for a little while...Both of them, actually..."

I thought it was all about Cavaliers and Roundheads.

^ This comment produced the only talkback chain on this site that I've actually read all the way through in a few years. Kudos

A good teacher would point out that the definition of civil war is "a war between opposing groups of citizens of the same country," and that the term be used to discuss anything from the French Revolution to the fall of communism.

They could even use it as a teachable moment, to cross-apply the term to the current political divisiveness infecting this country, and how this movie could be viewed as a metaphor for that unrest and its societal implications.

Or we could just continue to blame pop culture for all our problems. It's so much easier.

Best post of the day on the whole internet.

You win. Take my upvotes, all of them.

"Because the Rebels fought the Empire!" xD

Because the apes and humans couldn't trust each other.

Because the People's Front of Judea couldn't get along with the Judean People's Front.