Heartbroken
My problem is that as a pastors wife I can have surgery be at home sick are hurt no one call texts yet I put pray request for my husband are someone else all the prayers coming left and right I watch my husband show compassion love to everyone at church but not at home can't even get him to pray for me at home I do want to give up 9 years of feeling no one cares not even my pastor husband I only have god it gets very hard

Dear Debbie. I have been in a similar situation to yourself. When things get so busy sometimes we can forget the most important people in our lives. This is when you must both be vulnerable in seeking each other out and sharing what hurts you both and working together to rebuild priorities around marriage, intimacy and of course boundaries. We all know that pastors and pastors wives are not perfect. Often we are out supporting everyone else and working so hard and with little thanks but the first in the firing line. I encourage you to take a tithe of time for your marriage and to bless each other and build each other up. Your ministry will be all the better for it but more importantly you will both be stronger and of one mind in things which is exactly how God intended marriage to be. God bless you and I hope you both find Grace from the Lord to help you through this. I will pray for you both.

We have the same situation but to make us have peace of mind... We will just remember that God loves for us is unfailing love..no one can compare to us even our husband

Heartbroken a pastors wife been home very painful back pain got epidural 2 ladies from an entire church have even said praying for u just so discouraged

Hearbroke, I will pray for you. Please Be encouraged. I'm also a pastors wife and share your experience. This can actually draw you closer to God and His manifested love.

I couldn't even read past the first page of this article. As a pastors wife who has felt the enormous hurtful expectation that comes with being a pastor's wife, every thing I read here only lends a fellow pastor's wife to more hurt and expectation. She is first and foremost Her husband's (who happens to be a pastor('s)), wife. She's simply a human being trying to get by in Grace. She may be influential in her husbands success but SHE IS NOT influential in his failure. And if you are apart of a church that feels like that I'm so sorry for you, YOU, Woman Created by our Father who happens to be married to a pastor. This article is so so discouraging because it's far from the truth of the "role of a pastor's wife." This thinking is what is (partly) wrong with The Church. I would encourage any ministry couple who endure the canidating process- to put it right out there that you, as your husband's wife, are just that, HIS wife. That your "roll" is what you and your husband have agreed upon and feel called upon. If any church cannot take that for an okay answer. They are not the church for you.

As a woman who married into the ministry, I can tell you that I have experienced many situations explained in this article and have been hurt on many occasions. That being said, I would not trade where I am for anything else! There are a lot of expectations put on Pastor's wives and Pastors to be/act a certain way. We are just as human as everyone else...but to much is given, much is expected...we need to set an example by not being perfect, but by being honorable to God and loving others as we are commanded. God has called me to be in support of my husband and his ministry...and all I can do is keep my eye on God - try to be obedient and let Him handle the consequences (as Dr. Charles Stanley often says)!

"The pastor’s wife can be hurt in a hundred ways—through attacks on her husband, her children, herself. Her pain is magnified by one great reality: She cannot fight back.

She cannot give a certain member a piece of her mind for criticizing the pastor’s children, cannot straighten out the deacon who is making life miserable for her husband, cannot stand up to the finance committee who, once again, failed to approve a needed raise, or the building and grounds committee that postponed repair work on the pastorium.

She has to take it in silence, most of the time."

Dear Author, I am sure you meant well, but I totally agree with the commentators who said that this clearly is not a very empowering message for pastors wives. I mean - really. "She cannot fight back"?? Or are you trying to say she should not? I am not suggesting to fight every "attack" (whatever each person's definition of that may be - for some a small comment is a full blown attack and for someone else the same comment is something they can laugh off). One has to pick their battles. But I don't agree for one second that pastor's wife should be a door mat who just sits there and takes every abuse leveled at her.

My husband works for a church. It's his job. Obviously, it would be unprofessional for me to interfere with anything job-related (I would not try to straighten out a pesty deacon - I am sure my husband is man enough to duke it out with him on his own :).

I can't "stand up to the finance Committe" about a raise. Not in a literal sense of word, but if the church isn't paying what the denomination guidelines are and what the employment contract stipulates, then I would be more than happy to help my husband see that maybe it's time to move on. If the church doesn't value his work, there will be another church that will. I am not expecting a mega church salary in a mid size congregation, but I am a firm believer that a worker is worthy of his/her wages. And my husband is an amazing worker,

The pastorium issues (had to look up what that means, just to be sure:) people largely create themselves by actually taking this "pastorium". Hasn't it become a bit of an excuse for churches to cut their pastor's salary by an exorbitant amount to provide this "free housing"? One church tried to offer us their "parsonage" (completely unrenovated building that sat vacan for years) and we politely said no thanks, we will take a full salary and find our own housing. We rented for a couple of years, then purchased our own home. It wasn't new and needed a lot of cosmetic work, but I learned a lot of handy stuff from my father. I spent many evenings pulling down old wallpaper and painting, but when it came time to move on to a new church across the country, we sold our home for a much better price - paid off some school loans and had enough for the next down payment. No need to fight there :)

But here is where I do "fight"- any attack on me personally is free game. If someone attacks me to my face, I will fight back. If they talk behind my back, I will confront them. Any attack on my two young children is going to result in me fighting right back. I don't mean yelling at people or going all sour when they offer feedback (i lead a children's ministry in our church and often ask for feedback, even critiques), I mean that I will confront gossip, lies, judgmental opinions, mean comments, demeaning behavior, personal attacks on character and other nonsense. I hate sweeping things under a rug and letting them fester. And I competely and utterly disagree with the notion that one should just "take it in silence". Absolutely not. This is exactly how abuse takes hold in a church. If someone can attack you and get away with it, they will attack more people. The church isn't perfect, the pastor's family isn't perfect either. So both parties can just deal with it, no? I can't believe I even have to talk about this in 21st century!

And finally - no, I am NOT the most vulnerable person in my church!!! Come on! Really?? I am healthy, have a brain and a voice. There are many people who are way more vulnerable - the elderly, the disabled, the ones recovering from abuse, the very young. Some of these people don't and can't speak for themselves. The only way I can see a pastor's spouse (or pastor himself, for that matter) as an über vulnerable member of their particular church is that he/she is afraid of being themselves and standing up to injustice because they **fear loosing that job**!! I wish there was a way to underline it. I see no other earthly reason why someone would become a doormat who "suffers in silence". And no one should be that desperate to keep a job that they can't express their opinions, can't disagree and even allow themselves to be abused. Period. The church is not a sweatshop somewhere in China. My goodness, the more I think about this, the more it seems I want to write! Sorry.

This is a necessary topic that warrants discussion. While I understand the sentiment of those troubled by the often significant role of the pastor's wife, it's important to realize that sometimes this role is not desired by the wife. Particularly in small ministries where in order to fulfill a void and ensure that required functions are completed, the wife selflessly gives of her time and her talents (I know a few pastor's wives and I've witnessed this at many churches). Yes, there are those that take advantage of the position, but to a large degree the pastor's wife makes a huge sacrifice and experiences great pain.

I have assisted pastors with career services who have dedicated many years to ministry and deeply felt the (unfair) condemnation of church members that threatened to destroy their marriage and negatively impact their children. Individuals once impassioned about ministry end up bitter and disheartened. I once heard a pastor say that "the enemy endeavors to destroy the pastor and his wife because if he destroys the head, the body will be dysfunctional." Over the past few years there have been discussions about why so many pastors are committing suicide; I believe that this topic is the other side of the same coin. Most churches are not "mega churches" with lots of financial resources; pastors (and their wives) usually carry a large burden to ensure the viability of the ministry.

To every pastor's wife with a heavy heart, I pray that you will experience a level of peace that surpasses all understanding.

I've often said, "If you want to stress me, stress out my wife. If you want to compliment me, compliment her." The strongest way to get to my emotions is to get to hers. She's my heart.

wow you really love and support her...god bless you more

Thank you Bernadette. I do love my amazing wife.

This is all wrong !!! The pastor's wife is a member of the church and not the queen of the church ! They have diminished the reverence of the pulpit by sitting up there like they are queen of the world....if God, (not your husband) did not call you into the ministry...GET OUT OF THE PULPIT - THAT IS NOT YOUR PLACE!! They are members of the church and should be treated as such....if the laymembers are expected to be in prayer and sunday school - then she and the rest of the pastor's family should be expected to be there too - instead, they stroll in any time they want while making a grand entrance! this is why - women in the church does ont respect them - they disrespect the congregation but not the congregations money! The members are expected to celebrate their birthdays, anniversaries, pay for they kids college when they would not do the same for the other members! if the laymembers cannot go into the office and get a check out of the checkbook to go shopping in new york - they the pastor's should not be allowed to do this either. Members, do not put up with this foolishness!!! The people in the church can't see Jesus for seeing the pastor and his family in the way! Don't let me start preaching!!!

Wow...you must have had some very bad experiences with pastors wives.

This is a great article--now add in that your husband (pastor) is bi-vocational and you as the Pastor's wife have a career as well. God carries us through and give us His amazing grace and love through it all!

I really, really do appreciate the sentiment behind this piece. We can all use more prayer, right? :-) That said, I'd like to offer a companion solution to this problem: Empower pastoral spouses to define their roles, rather than framing them as powerless victims. We do not need to be unpaid second pastors and catch-alls... To treat this as an inevitability is unhelpful. Further, I would argue that we should actively be counseling against it- because-in the long term- this actually harms the church as a whole. Pastoral spouses should feel comfortable saying "no." We should feel the freedom to pray over which ministries we feel called to contribute to in the life of the church, and then say no to others- conserving our emotional and physical and spiritual energies for ourselves and our families. Some of us choose to serve the church by being children's directors, others by washing up after coffee hour, others by filling in wherever needed, others by playing the piano-- and some attend different churches altogether (or not at all). Perhaps this is a generational thing-- but I see myself as a woman that happens to be married to the guy our church hired to be their pastor. I serve as any other member of the church would serve. Yes- I do have some additional frustrations, mostly on my husband's behalf, but I also have additional compensations-- like the benefit of his salary, and rent-free housing. I don't see myself as especially vulnerable; I see myself as a member of a body of believers. I don't see myself as not having the ability to "fight back," I see myself as someone who contributes time and energy to the church and who has an equal right and ability to graciously offer my perspectives- even dissenting ones. This point of view frees up a whole lot of energy for grace and forgiveness, too. Which we often DO need a lot more of than lay people. :-)

My wife completely agrees. She tells young pastors' wives that they should define their own roles and decide for themselves where they will serve. Thank you.

Women of God need friends, need to be real, need love and gratitude and prayer for one another. We are called to be faithful and obedient to Christ. A Pastor's wife has a huge job that is largely unseen. It is the call on her life and is a huge responsibility. It is her choice to be a Pastor's wife. All women of God deserve respect. All women of God earn that respect. We mutually define the women in the body of Christ. Every women of God needs support. We do not owe more to one sister versus another. Actually, a Pastor's wife has more accountability to earn the respect she needs to do her job. If she has not earned that respect; or made some mistakes; it is her responsibility to make amends. If she does not take personal responsibility for her actions and makes amends; then she has not earned the respect she needs to do her job. Oftentimes in ministry, a pastor's wife or pastor will have another ministry leader "do their bidding" and this only creates more harm. Another huge mistake is if a pastor's wife or pastor uses the pulpit for personal agenda or to correct a congregant during or after a sermon; this is wrong. It is not of God. A pastor's wife or pastor that cannot talk to a congregant or reply to social media comments or answer correspondence or discern needs that they need to address personally are insecure and in deep error. Oftentimes, a pastor and pastor's wife will feel that they are "annointed and above" those needs and they deem those persons are not worthy of conversation or worthy of their time for whatever reason they come up with, and choose to be silent (like they will not answer a fool - a person they judge as a fool; instead of realizing this is the opportunity God has given for them to help). Then they wonder why people leave their church! All believers are annointed. Submitting to a pastor's wife and pastor is earned respect. It is mutual respect. Pastors, pastor wives and leaders that live a separate inner circle for protection because they feel the call on their lives is a higher calling do not meet the needs of the congregants. We are all called to live separated lives, but not within the body of believers within the church. Fellowship is for all believers. (For example, a pastor that thinks he is a prophet and keeps himself to himself is very misguided. Many believers are prophetic.) We are to be a blessing to one another, not a burden. Being a blessing is the best gift we can give to one another. Recognizing the importance and significance of a Pastor and his wife is admirable; but it is not a dept that is owed to them. If they feel that congregants owe them; then they are in the wrong position. Their calling is not just a job with a reward system. If they are being led by the spirit of God, and not of themselves; God will reward and bless them. God gave all believers gifts to the church; and we are all expected to accept that responsibility with an attitude of humility. The submission to the authority in the church and respect for the leadership is not inclusive of respect for the congregants. When it becomes inclusive; it is a cult and spiritual manipulation.

Ha ha ha -
Pastor's wife needs to "earn respect" to do "her job" :) What job???? Unless you folks are paying your pastor's wife and have formally hired her for a specific position, what are you talking about ???? My job happens to be at a law firm and I am an excellent employee, my boss respects me. I volunteer at the church where my husband is employed by teaching a class of preteen girls, because I chose to do it. Any other "expectations" and folks who harbour them can go take a hike :)

Glad you are not my Pastors wife.
Really? Go take a hike? Pastoring is ministry not a job. You need to know what it is to serve.,I have been a PW for over 30 years! I love doing things for others.

Being a pastor's wife is not a hobby!

No, it's not a "hobby", but neither is
It a "job"! It's a marital status :) And as I said in another post - people, it's 2015! Really? Try telling your dentist's/doctor's/auto mechanic's/shrink's wife about your "expectations" and see how well that goes over :)

You should identify yourself if you are going to make comments. A Co-Pastor (wife) has responsibilities that another career wife status does not have. Happy 2015! Really :)

There is no such (mysterious?) position at our church as a "co-pastor". There is the Lead Pastor, the Pastor of Community Life and the Worship Pastor. Then there is a host of volunteers - children's ministry leaders, Alpha Director, Kitchen supervisor, Vacation Bible School Director, Chairs of several committees within our Board. I could go on and on. Where on earth does a "co-pastor" fit into this? I am letting my husband do his job (he is perfectly capable you know:) and he doesn't try to "co-manage" my files at my place of employment :) Kind of makes sense. I see no logical or biblical foundation for a pastor's wife having to "co-pastor" something. Sorry.

Dear "unidentified" call me crazy person, search Google for the word "co-pastor.

Pastor's wives that co-pastor with their husbands have responsibilities to the congregation that other career wives don't. I do not expect anymore than any other congregant. Happy 2015! Pray for Pastors, co-pastors, and leaders.

Deborah you must not be a PASTORS wife

I was a ministry wife. I am now a widow. Happy now?

I have been a ministry wife. I am now a widow.

I married my husband ,who is a pastor 11years ago excited about the fact that we would be serving our Lord together and my only hope was to bring him glory through our lives and the ministry. I have done everything that I know possible to try to earn others respect. I am actively involved in planning community outreach and always fill in whenever needed in any area of the church. I try to love our congregation and refrain from any kind of gossip, also many know that I am an open communicator. With that being said, it's never enough to earn everyone respect so I have come to the conclusion that I should only be concerned about what my God thinks of me and not people. Earning one's respect usually involves people pleasing and God did not call me to that. I will walk this lonely road knowing that I'm really not alone because Christ is with me. In the beginning it was just me and him as also will be in the end. I write this comment in response because I think that you are unintentionally setting a pastor wife up for failure. You may think you have the respect of everyone in your church but if you were a fly on the wall then you may think differently. Also making amends only works IF the other person's heart is ready to receive otherwise that can take a turn for the worst. Thank you for sharing though, it's nice to hear other views and be able to discuss. Lol

Earning respect requires engagement in someone's life. I do not care about people pleasing. There is no malice here. The fact that making amends is out there is largely due to a lack of leadership. Leaders are to lead, not avoid. That includes Pastor wives. Because of their position; they have to work harder to earn respect. There is personal responsibility when they are not respected for something their words and actions or silence and no action. I do not think I have everyone's respect. But that does not mean I do not work at it. All women want respect from one another. I pray for my Pastor's wife. She has a huge job in my church. I respect and admire her and want the best for her. I think she is amazing; but she is not perfect. I absolutely support her. But, I do not have to agree with her. about everything, all the time.

I am just laughing out loud reading this nonsense:) God help the pastors wives in your church if you people think you have somehow get a "package deal" including a lady (who happens to be married to the pastor you actually are paying) who you can just hand a long list of your expectations and tell her to hop to
It :) I mean, seriously - it's 2014, people! Try pulling that stunt on your dentist's wife - try reciting her some of your expectations and see how well that goes over :)

It is not about expectations; it is about responsiblity and discernment and co-pastoring. Happy 2015 seriously!

Thank you for responding and I'm so glad that you support your pastors wife and pray for her. Most people will never know what a blessing that is. I didn't mean to give the impression that I'm not engaged in the lives of our congregation. I know that in order to effectively minister to others and have their ears to hear then you need to build relationships by being engaged. I do try to do this but my main goal is to minister as well as fellowship. This seems to be a big problem in churches today, people come more for the fellowship and activities than for the desire to serve God. My husband and I do very few activities that don't have some sort of outreach message behind it. I agree that ministers and there wives are certainly not above anyone else. Though we do have to be very careful of who we trust in our congregation with our personal lives and feelings because unfortunately not everyone has good intentions. I wish this were not the case but I have to remember that not everyone in the church who says that they are saved actually walk the walk. Just the same even Jesus disciples betrayed him at times. Love your pastors wife and support her. That will mean the world to her and just the encouragement to keep her going.

Yes, we all have to be careful with who we trust with our personal lives and feelings. Leaders and congregants both alike can betray one another. A successful church leadership team have a strong bond and sometimes can become very cultish. They do not make friends with congregants on a level congregants would like. There are more congregants willing to serve; there are less leaders willing to let congregants serve. The problem is that church leaders (and staff) do not discern the difference between their job, their ministry, fellowship, and their personal lives. Their inner circle becomes an idol. They live separate lives and share information gathered and their next plans. They believe they are there to help others only; and fellowship on their own defined terms. This is self-made. The need for a leadership team to protect the annointed in such a way that it is separated from the body of believers, it is idolatry. We are all annointed. We are to love and support one another in such a way, that Jesus is expressed as the difference maker.

I am no psychologist, but here is what is screaming pretty loudly from your post:
1. You have been "betrayed" by a leader. Whatever your definition of "betrayal" is. Ok
2. Somebody in leadership has not "made friends" with you as a congregant on a level you would like. What exactly is that "level"?.. Ok
3. You have some kind of super church if you have all these people trying to volunteer and there is so many of them that the leadership has to turn them away. Wow. Some solid church statistics suggest the 80/20 or even 90/10 principle in most churches - 10% of people do 90% of work. Even the best and most successful churches struggle to fill their volunteer positions. How come someone from your church hasn't written a book about this phenomenal success? It would be a bestseller!
4. Someone hasn't shared the latest "information"..
In general, the whole story smacks of sour grapes - "I got left out", they didn't want to be BFFs, betrayal, "cultish", idolatry... I mean - listen to yourself.. Sounds like something from a high school Facebook page. Seriously.

Ineffective leadership is nothing to laugh about.....seriously.

Deborah, I learned a long time ago not to make judgments on the lives of others. It is especially harmful to make these types of statements when you are not in their position. I am a Pastor's wife and I have an entirely different outlook on people in ministry now then I did before I lived it. My husband and I are extremely blessed. Our congregation is our family. We love and respect each other and treat each other as family, because we are. There is no having to earn each other's respect. We simply give it in love because we are all children of The Most High God. We all love each other on our good days and bad days, through our victories and struggles. It's about loving the Lord AND living like we do.

Yes we are one family.

I might add also that healthy ministry requires office hours and special appointments, and when a ministry leader is burned out, he/she should have kept up-to-par in another profession in case he or she needs to step down to take a break without being afraid of losing an income (which is why I have a bivocational - or perhaps from Apostle Paul's example - a "tentmaking" approach to making a living: one that is ministerial and the other a for-profit profession in the secular world). I also had to refrain from helping some people who had a habit of running to the pastor impulsively with a problem, only later to see that it was not a true need, but rather they were being led by the intensity of their emotions. Finally, I stopped using social media to connect with church members because it was becoming an invasion of privacy.

I will keep you in my prayers sister .

DITTO

I am a young pastor's wife and this article has said it all. As young as I am in ministry I have seen all that they have spoken in this article , God bless the brother who has been inspired by the holy spirit to write this article.We as pastors wives we need the touch of God himself; if we don't lean on God; nobody can understand us not even our own husbands who can understand fully what we go through. May God bless any person around the world who has ever supported the pastor's wife in any way.

Brother in Christ Jesus, I´m a dominican and have seen all these things happening along the ministry here. Be Bless and thatk you for article.

Thank you. How gracious of you.

Good article, I am a pastor and so was my dad. I find it interesting though you get criticized for writing an an article about people who face intense criticism and hurt in the ministry.

Exactly, Jeff. Thanks for getting it. It's ironic, isn't it?

THUMBS UP MAN THAT A POWERFUL ARTICLE I WISH ALL PASTORS CAN GET ACCESS TO IT.

The fact of the matter in inian pasters wives is
different, they play the role of Jezebel in the churches and their husband's are like Ahab.
The believer's are the vulnerable that's why in Revelation 2:20 the act of Jezebel is warned