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I can always tell whenever a gay man responds to something. Gay men have an infinite capacity to be bitchy, cruel, catty, downright nasty. I was reading the comments and some of them left me speechless. Calling the author "most likely ugly" "boring". Saying he must be "flawed" and so needs to do something to "fix" himself. I can tell most of these comments have been left by the type of men the author is being critical of. I've noticed that in the gay community if you dare call out gay men on their bs, you risk being shunned and labeled a loser. So basically if there is something you don't like, you either keep your mouth shut or you are just being judgemental. I say kudos to guys like the author of this piece who have the courage to speak up! I agree with all the points he's made. I feel his pain, and he's got my full empathy. To all gay culture separatists out there: Don't ever let anyone silence your voice on this subject. It is the gay community that is flawed, not you! And we will never be able to effect a change if we just go with the flow.
I know this was written long ago but I just read it and it feels like I am reading my own thoughts. I have never been that involved in the "gay scene", but the connections I did have were not at all what I was hoping to find - everyone I met was shallow (or covertly shallow), hollow, obsessed with body image, sex, rumors and money. obviously not everyone has the same experience and not all gay men are the same, but this was my experience and I am now glad/relieved to see that others have gone through the same. I have no solution for this, or ideas on what to do about it, but this article still helps me a lot.
You hit the nail with this article man. I have the same experience and gone through the same. i wish i could change my sexuality in any way :(
@sam:don't give up -make an appointment to see a trained specialist in conversion theropy who has a success record of returning people back to normal
totally agree the scene is shallow , hateful and personally damaging most of the timeclearly we need more cafe book shops and less soulless clubs
Bravo.... Bravo! I may not agree with everything written and I wish I could introduce this young man into the world of love and support my mate and I are creating. Nonetheless this article speaks volumes to a generation of empty, soulless connections that lead to no where. Well done
I'm sorry but I have to disagree with your article as a gay and openly gay man myself. I found it rather ignorant in the sense that the entire article sounds biased. You make it sound as if the only thing gay men care about is sex, dick sizes, and who they slept with the night before. While this fact may be seen a lot more in the gay community I didn't like how you made it sound like all gay men are like this when I've been openly gay (outed in my teenage years) and not once have I ever hooked up with anyone or done the whole sex thing. Not all of us are the same. Some of us are decent people who wish to find someone we can spend our lives with and I know I've met the one for me and I hope someday I can marry him and maybe even start a family with him. What you really need to understand is that everyone you describe here in the article (minus being in the closet) are things that happen in straight relationships and with straight people too. There are tons of guys hitting up the clubs and places looking to get laid with the hottest chick they can find. All I'm saying is you need to expand your searches and look in other places maybe a support group in your area with gay people who you can connect with. I did this and met tons of guys who were very friendly and nice most of which didn't even try to make a move on me or try to get with me like that. I think it's great that you raise awareness on these ongoing issues within the gay community I'll admit the random hookups and such don't give our community such a good name but it doesn't define all of us. Wishing you all the best in the new year for 2016.
So true. When I was coming of age, there were no positive gay role models. What I saw, was the media portrayal of men in assless chaps, or dressed like Dorothy on a parade float, or countless other stereotypes that I not only couldn't identify with, but that scared me. I felt like I didn't belong, and didn't want to belong to that community. But the reality is that (that portrayal) is just a tiny sub-set of what the gay community is really about. --Which is essentially just like every other community, with the same wants, hopes and desires. Yes you will find superficiality and shallowness, but you will also find depth, love, compassion and understanding. You have to know where to look, and you also have to accept the fact that like attracts like.
I get what he's talking about and just because it's Grindr doesn't mean it is a license to lie or be a dick or an asshole! There is no reason you can't meet someone special on an app because there are people like him (and me) who are open to that possibility whenMeeting guys thru it. Just because it's a app doesn't mean it's ok for someone to to lie and say they don't do the one night stands and then never return a phone call. It doesn't mean it's ok to pretend to be somethings you aren't justTo get in my pants! I net my bf of over a year on scruff and I fully believe it's possible on any app to have a relationship but only if someone is honest. Obviously if you only meet dl guys or ones who are open about no nsa it won't happen
fyi: there is no such thing as homosexual males. they are just confused males sleeping with other males. end of story.
Let me input here. Speaking of myself, I can say that I only sought out on these gay apps/sites from the scarce relationship progress with females. But, I returned before actually doing anything stupid, when I realised that many things in my life were just not the same. My inspiration, and the fire within me was extinguished the moment I stepped into these sites. I felt like a a total whore, and couldn't enjoy the most treasured thing in my life: music. Good thing I actually didnt do anything before it was too late. Now, that fire within me is lit again.
"...most treasured thing in my life: music"
what about female companionship???!!!
You realize it's scientifically proven that homosexuals have brain structures similar to the heterosexual counterparts, right?
And you're an asshole
Maybe he's not an asshole, just another "confused male." This would explain why he seems to have such an abnormally intense interest in this gay discussion
Good point. Time and again, the biggest homophobes almost always prove to be ones hiding a secret.
@jj A psychological defense mechanism termed "reaction formation." When one vehemently opposes that which they loathe within themselves.
@jj:please remain on topic. if you cannot add to the discussion then you have no reason to comment. have a nice day
The fact that you're an asshole is very relevant. Please don't feign intellect. You're bad at it.
@jj:the fact that you have changed the topic of discussion from sexually confused males to personal attacks on me is not "adding to the discussion". again, please remain on topic
no, he's right. you clearly came in here looking for a fight on the topic. Really... YOU are the one who changed the topic and now the topic is YOU. See how that works?
this is not your fight so please butt-out. have a nice day
yes, it is. When you attack the gay community like you did... you attack me, too. So it IS my fight. You fight with one of us, you fight with ALL of us.
bl@w me scrotum breath
ew, gross, you smell like moths balls and closet lint.
your lifestyle is"eew, gross".
The title of this article should be "I no longer want to try to fit into a narrow stereotype I've bought into hook, line, and sinker, and now judge every other gay man against." The shallow narcissism of youth is what this article is all about. Look in a mirror, little boy. Spend a long time doing it. Then go out and re-approach the "gay community" with open eyes and find people that mean something to you. They're out there. You just aren't trying.
You are completely uneducated. First off, homosexuality is already a minority; secondly, to find the right type is a minority. In this man's experience and many others, this is absolutely the world we're living in. To sum another's efforts down into, "You aren't trying" is especially the problem with today's world, rather than acknowledging the overarching decay that has taken over.
Telling someone that there is a positive in a situation that needs resolved by revolution is called victim-blaming, as identified by Aristotle as "hubris". Get a clue
@mw I would have nuanced the message a bit, instead of delivering it like a slap in the face--But essentially, I agree with you.
Sorry, this whole article aggravates me. It completely misidentifies the problem and prescribes an unhealthy solution. Then other young, lonely gays read it, relate to the feelings of loneliness, and make it about everyone but themselves. There were a similar couple of articles that made their rounds a while back by some young, equally narcissistic LA gay guy. They need someone to tell them to get over themselves, imo. Dear young gays, the enemy is not the gay community. The enemy is homophobia, and how gay guys internalize that homophobia and let it affect their behavior. See it for what it is, and fight it. If you're unhappy with your life because your sample size of gay guys is small, then MOVE someplace where you'll get to meet more people. Stop sitting around moping and judging. Approach people with smiles and openness. The world is much more likely to open up to you this way.
Here's what you're missing dude. You're saying that the enemy is homophobia which is what is creating the behavior that the writer is talking about. Well then, isn't it up to those that have internalized the homophobia to try to change themselves? It isn't narcissistic to look at your environment and keep coming up against a way of being that doesn't mesh with your values. Rather than faulting this kid's story.. why not appreciate his difference and acknowledge that stereotypes come from somewhere. They aren't always just made up out of hatred... Let's be real.
I'm not missing any of that. You think I haven't met a hundred or more of the exact same stereotype he talks about? My problem is the broad brush he uses to say "that's what being gay is." That's b.s. It's time for him to start meeting new people to expand his definition of what being part of the community is.
Yeah I agree. But the fact of the matter is that stereotypes exist because those are the most vocal and often the majority. So YES I agree with you that he should (and likely will) find new people to help expand his definition of what being a part of the gay community is. But its completely natural for him to express his frustrations along the way of that journey. The fact is.. its much harder to find a minority within a minority. And seeing as this author believes that the minority within the minority he's looking for is really about important values... then it makes sense for him to be annoyed with the gay community in general for not offering more VOCAL definitions of what a gay person can be. If gays are truly a "community" like you say, then its the "community's" job to give various ways of being to younger ones coming up as well as slightly older people like this author.. Give the guy a break. It's okay to question the group some times... don't be an F-ing bully.
As a society we draw possible identities from those around us. If you spend a good part of your life a minority, then all of a sudden you find your place within your minority community and once again find that you're an even smaller minority. That's going to be frustrating for anyone. I agree with what you're saying that an entire community shouldn't be defined by that "stereotype". But a stereotype is what it is for a reason. Usually its because those people are the most vocal but also they are the majority. So instead of beating up on someone within your own community maybe come from a place of understanding how difficult it can feel and be to be a part of a minority that you feel lacks the values that are important to you. At the end of the day, this writer's issues are really just the issues of any minority group. Some respect for his point of view would go a long way here.
@ mw Wow! Well said. Within the gay community there is indeed a subset who seem shallow, and appearance oriented-- "damaged people with low self esteem" Appearance is just a gateway, once you walk through--It matters very little. Thanks for the thoughtful reply.
@mw:maybe he has grown despondent of a life of perversion. is that so difficult to accept?
Maybe you don't know what the fuck you're talking about because you can't possibly.
@mw: can't possibly what?
Can't possibly know what the fuck it's like to be gay. Sorry, being a straight, bigoted asshole doesn't qualify you. How about you stop shitting on what you don't understand and put your energies to being good to what you do understand. I don't care if you don't like me/us, just don't be an asshole.
@mw:i don't believe i'm being an a-hole. you on the other hand...
The fact that you're trawling gay media and posting derogatory content says a lot about you. Homophobes are not good people. They're bad people. What's got you so obsessed, eh?
@jj:i am only trying to help those lost souls steer toward sexual normalcy and decency. think of it as my way in giving back to humanity
@jj:i'm just trying to help those (males in particular) suffering from sis (sexual identification syndrome) get back on the right track. it's my way of giving back to society
You are twisted.
@jj:i'm also trying to share the love
You're a deluded zealot who masks his bigotry behind an online persona. You can take your version of "love", if you even believe that, and shove it right up your a**. I spent my adolescence unlearning the poison people like you put into peoples' heads. Die in a fire, seriously. If you were just some guy with an opinion I couldn't care less, but since you're just some creepy christian trawling gay commenting lists, I have an opinion.
Did you learn that in conversion therapy?
@jj:did you not pick up on anything i just mentioned?