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Thank you. I feel the same way. I’ve gone the same path and lived openly as gay for most my life now and have rarely encountered any supposed brotherhood. At large, “the community” doesn’t exist past cliques which worship a certain form of the male body, and if you don’t fit that mold, you are tossed aside or just addressed less than those better than you. The majority of gay men I meet or see identify themselves by their favoured sexual position, and generally anyone not the penetrator is viewed as weak. Social media profiles are littered with photos of the preferred or “perfect” man, fulfilling society’s general view that gay men are all sex obsessed. Pride parades have become nothing more than demonstrations of bad behaviour, shock for shock value. I have found more persecution from within than from without. I’ve allowed myself to use and be used all in trying to be validated as a desirable gay male. I’ve given up everything I valued to fit in and still not fit in. I know that being straight wouldn’t mean every issue I have would go away, and that I’m responsible for being happy with who I am, but I don’t think I’d be so exhausted, trying to fit in with a “family” that can be more judgemental than anything outside of it.
First of all, you needed to write an article as a journalist to earn your paycheck, and so you did. How easy for you as a baby gay to snottily pick at things and share them with the mainstream before actually understanding any underlying meaning. You just cite the worst stereotypes your parents taught you and
So, if you will step outside of the gay bubble in some of the top 3 cities in America (I live in Dallas), we hold executive roles, live in upper class neighborhoods, have dogs, cats, and kids. Gays like us have empathy for our brothers and sisters trapped in crappy Northeastern cities with shallow, neurotic people.
first of all....remind us once again what business it is of yours that this young man chose to ditch his perverted lifestyle and lead a normal life. btw you sound like an old queen. just sayin'...
Good article. Agree with it completely. It’s depressing but it is the truth no one wants to admit to. And those deniers will just seek to tear down the author, because the truth he writes frightens them.
Thank you for writing this. I agree with a lot of what you wrote.
When your that low, you find it. I am an example
You and only you is responsible for your actions! Your religious views are in conflict with who you are. Hence, your tendency to self-destruct. Psychological therapy can help you balance both issues. Lastly, stereotyping all gays into one basket is what ignorant heterosexuals do. Just because YOU didn't act responsibly doesn't mean that we all did! Stop beating yourself and accept who you are with faults and all and accept that all gay people come in different shapes, sizes, colors, beliefs, education and economic backgrounds just like heterosexual people do and act! Good luck to you!
You can't change who you are. You're born gay or straight. You can't wake up one day and be straight. It's just not possible. You can try all you want but it'll never happen. Instead of blaming everyone for what you see happening in the community, why not be the one to change things and make a difference. Make friends with different types of people and build on those friendships. Getting on Grindr, Jack'd or Tinder isn't the place to meet anyone of substance or quality. Not saying it's not possible, but probably not likely. Join a gay church or volunteer your time. Why does everyone think they MUST be in relationship if you're gay? Maybe you're not meant to be with anyone. Being gay is so much more than just our sexuality. Once you realize that, you'll see that everything in this article doesn't matter. It's all about how you see yourself, the world and others around you.
Someone needs therapy really bad. There's no one "gay life." When you seek out situations and people that make you miserable, and behave in a way that makes you miserable, whether among gay people or straight people, guess what--you'll be miserable. "The life" does not exist. Your life exists. You need to talk to someone who can help you sort this all out.
Each to their own, sounds like the writer has a bad case of pessimism. I'm quite happy that I turned out gay
When sucks more is when you find a person that you like and their values matches yours but the "it factor" is not present so you end up just being friends. Happens to me all the time :(
Seems to me like you were caught up with the excitement of weekend life, and now that you're older, you're not able to accept choices you've made as well as how to deal with them.
I never wanted to be gay. I was born that way. This isn't a fad or a choice. I have met a lot of great people in my life in and out of the gay community. The issue is with you, not the LGBTQ community. If you were straight, you'd be complaining about how horrible women are. Suck it up, Buttercup.
You’re one of those people who the author writes about. No support just condemnation. It’s not that the author thinks he can change being gay nor would want to but a community that is more toxic than anything else drains a person to make him wish he wasn’t gay.
Don't be a bigot. Don't blame a whole group of people for the drama in your life. Not happy? Change.
I could not agree more! Most of the men in the gay community are all superficial as hell, only interested in guys who have a 6pac and or guys who are loose with their money. Have not found any who can be monogamous or loyal in any way shape or form. I am not ashamed of being gay at all! In fact, I am proud of who I am as a man just because I have sex with another man does not make me any different from any other individual in our world. This Lucas character below is a perfect example of the people you are talking about. I was with my husband 12 years before he passed away from an undiagnosed brain aneurysm. We shared a loyal committed relationship and had milk in the fridge and corm flakes in the cupboard for our kids just like every other family. No I am a single Dad trying to Date again after being alone 2.5 years. Most of the guys I meet are a joke. Very little decency in the gay community anymore. They are more worried about their own agenda's, and tearing each other down then building a positive and supportive community.
Kids these days! (Shakes fist in air menacingly) Nobody said dating was easy. You have way more options these days. Try them all before blaming a community for your problems. Obviously, there are good men out there if you were in a monogamous relationship for 12 years. Those would be big shoes to fill for anyone. Maybe you need to "lower the bar" for the guys that are interested instead of looking for a duplicate of what you lost. Or be a bitter queen hating the world. Your life. Your choice.
Dude. That's all on you. Don't try and be gay.. just be yourself. Sounds like you need therapy. I couldn't even bring myself to read you're entire article. Bunch of bullshit.
I read the whole thing, and I mostly agree... I just found, that although there was a lot of truthfulness in the article, that it wasn't really fair either...
Nightclubs and bars are practically watering holes for guys to meet other guys and have meaningless hookups and encounters... but sometimes more can happen! Even if that wasn't their intention! Gay guys are perfectly capable of love and feeling genuine selfless connections!
Some guys are snakes while others are princes... we are all aware of it and it's what people teach their daughters from a young age! We learn that in the world of dating, we have to learn to decipher which guys are which to prevent us from getting hurt!
Being a victim is never attractive! My guess is that the guy in the article is very judgmental, and it's probably driven guys away, hence the loneliness, lack of brotherhood and unity! He's probably offended others which caused people to throw him shade!
Without empathy, we can't understand what other people went through in their lives to figure out WHY they're so self destructive and self loathing! There's a reason WHY people tend to be cruel and hurtful to one another!
By having faith in people! He could make someone better and vice versa! Honestly, I find this guy to be a little counterproductive
your comment is precisely the attitude the author is referring to. maybe you should actually 'read' the entire article to better understand what he is talking about instead of throwing it to the wayside and calling it 'bunch of bullshit'.
It's not the LGBTQ community's fault that the author or you are unhappy with your lives/friends. You control your life. Make the changes you want, and don't blame a group of people because of bias or because you're having a bad day.
And how does one do that? It’s not just about a bad day, but years of the same affliction. It’s constantly being said that the GLBTQ community is inclusive and accepting but I’ve seen more emotional abuse inflicted from within than without. The author isn’t blaming every single gay man out there but there’s enough dysfunction and abuse in the community to make a statement as he has.
Who said I was 'Unhappy with my life'? I sure didn't. The authors comments in this article are spot on when it comes to the LGBT community. The LGBT community is the most hate-filled group I have ever had the displeasure to run into, which is why I gladly avoid it. What I find appalling about the majority of those in the LGBT community is that if you don't think, act, live, believe (politically that is) like them, somehow you are not 'really' gay, lesbian, Bi or Trans.
What he was talking about happens to people whether they are gay or not. Morality has something to do with your commitment to your principles in life. Although, gays often are stereotyped as sex-crazed, lustful, and unfaithful, aren't the straight ones guilty of such behavior too?
Yes, they are, but it’s more difficult to find those that aren’t like that in the gay community. Gay brotherhood presents itself as a group of people that are welcoming and inclusive. We are verbally and emotionally bashed by those who aren’t gay, but in seeking that acceptance and love from others like us, it’s disheartening, to say the least, when there doesn’t appear to be anything else but shallowness and rejection. With fewer options in media and social media, if the gay community is no worse than the rest of the world, it doesn’t seem that way.
You have to first learn how to stand on your own, no longer feeling driven or pushed to fit into whatever self- and other- destructive norms of thought and behavior you see in your group/community. LGBT individuals and their "communities" are always subjected to massive anti-LGBT defamation, discrimination, and many other even worse forms of scapegoating from outside. The result is widespread and constant fear, loss of hope for the future, and often self- and other-destructive coping mechanisms. Only when you learn to stand alone and be able to see LGBT individuals and communities in the highly toxic context in which they must exist and cope can you then become a positive asset to and influence on your group/community. Then you can move away from your expectations (and disappointments) about what your group/community can and should do for you, and towards what you can and should do for the your group/community. Ironically, that's the only way you will then finally start truly seeing, getting what you need from, and fitting in within the LGBT community. After all, "you can't always get what you want; but if you try, sometimes you'll get what you need." And realizing what you and your community need will often change what you want.
The conflation of "LGBT Community" and sexual orientation is as flawed as it is insulting. An individual can be gay. A community can not be. I will not deny that aspects of the "LGBT Community" can be limited, sometimes, in some places. But this kind of piece is harmful to us, and there are still plenty of us out there in trouble, where no kerosene on the ongoing fire of bigotry is necessary from Western careless whining complainers. We know now that homosexuality is a naturally occuring aspect of hummanity, with its own special characteristics and purposes. Where we go from there, away from the redundant and fascistic monotheistic cultures in their current incarnations, is up to each one of us.
Oh here we go. Another disenfranchised sidelined guy with a myopic pen-piece on how much The Gayz were mean and had too much glitter. Its like an article about not wanting to be black anymore because 'Gangsta' culture is too violent, as if everyone is like that. Except for gays for some reason this kind of trash is somehow passable as print. Writer? Drop me a line, theres plenty of depth out there in the gay community, and I have engaged with it across the world.
Whatever you expect to find, you will. It's completely unfair to say being gay and the so-called "gay lifestyle" are synonymous. Yes, there are plenty of parties, drugs and wanton sex to be found - if that's where you're trolling. (There's also more than enough of that in "the straight lifestyle," btw) There are also plenty of monogamous, married couples with kids of their own and white picket fences. There are civic-minded, professional, and life affirming cliques of gay people who don't buy into "the lifestyle." Sorry you haven't found that - I suspect you haven't really looked for it. Everyone is going through their own journey, and your judgment of others sounds more like blame for your own mistakes than it does a real analysis of what it means to be gay.
Any way you choose to live is still a gay life. Lots of people get fed up with dating, gay and straight. It doesn't mean they no longer live a gay life.. You're gay. You don't get to choose that. Try being less pessimistic. Its often true that what you put out.. You get back. I know a lot of wonderful gay men in fantastic loving and loyal relationships. Might be time to face that its not the "gay" thats a problem, though our communities have their issues. Maybe you're just not as ready as you think you are... Or you're looking in the wrong places for the wrong types. Have you tried voulenteering in the community? Don't like how it is, do something to make it better. You may actually meet some quality people like that. But do stop saying you're giving up the gay life... That's absurd. You're living a gay life.. Because you're gay. Giving up on relationships and community is irrelevant. A little spoiled princess that locks herself in her room and says shes not a princess anymore because daddy wont buy her a pony is still a little princess.. And on a side note. You're morality and goodness have NOTHING to do with your gayness. Have you gone through one of thoes aweful religious conversion camps? This article reeks of self loathing and contempt. Maybe a step back and away to work on you is exactly what you need. A new and better perspective in the future may allow you to see and find all these elusive qualitys in other gay men that you seem to think do not exist. Good luck with your closet self imprisonment. Its still a gay life.
I wholeheartedly agree with this article that I just found. Gays are for the most part shallow empty souls with nothing other than partying and seeking nothing other than sexual satisfaction that never materializes. Old or younger it's all the same. When you are able to yank yourself from that vicious circle of deceit and disappointment it's when you realize that there is more to life than seeking for the next good fuck. Truth is always hard to digest; especially when it is about yourself.
Stop hanging around those people. You get to decide who your friends are. I've seen way too many guys blame men for their problems. You have issues with a certain type of person, yet you seek that out of a crowd every time. The issue is yours. And you know what? It happens to straight people, too. Don't be a bigot. Not happy with your life? Only you can change that. Not any community.
I usually do not hang around anymore for the same reasons that we are talking about here. I don't hang out anymore; I'm too old for that
"Personally I believe love is a sacrifice," is one of the most self-destructive sentiments anyone can believe. No wonder the author is such a mess.
Well said fella,
I was in the special forces in military for 7 years so not the best place to come out, when i finally left and embarked on my new civilian life I found the 'Gay' lifestyle very difficult to accept, as a masculine dare I say normal guy I have found over the years that life is perfectly fine without the gay community, I found love the old fashined way by making friends which led to a now 5year relationship that is still going strong, I think with the changing attitudes to being gay i can lead a happy life without having to resort to Grinder or gay clubs. We cant change who we are but we can live as gay men without the need for the Gay communities input, if as gay men we seek equality then perhaps gay men should start to act responsibly and not reinforce the awful stereotype, Im not in any way ashamed to tell people Im gay and I in no way hate being gay however I do hate the stereotype that has been created by others.
wish you all the best mate .. love is out there, it hits you when your least expecting it to.
No it wouldn't, the military is made up of a diverse base. That includes gay people - both camp and masculine.
I say this from personal experience and I still currently serve with the Armed Forces. Also the use of the term 'normal' is bollocks - we are all unique in our own way, being masculine does not = 'normal' I also say that as a relatively straight laced and masculine guy.
wow someone has issues. you must be looking in all the wrong places for love. Grindr isn't a great place to meet someone loving. They just want a quick hook up. Heck I been single since 2011 after being in an 11 year relationship. If i find someone so be it. If not oh well life goes on. I have two ex bf's and none of them came from a gay bar ether. Grindr wasn't around when i met them. Both of them I turned down on meeting over and over again. I am just not a trusting person. sure i have hooked up with people from bars when I was younger, but not with people on grindr. I get on that to see if there is anyone i know on it. :P
You're just mad because you're not getting a boyfriend fast enough. You should stop being bitter and hating yourself bc you choose to date in bars and off Grindr lol.... this is a horrible article and you should be ashamed of yourself for writing it.
Ugh. These entitled crybabies who expect the gays to throw a big welcoming dance party for him like he's Dorothy Gale arriving in Munchkinland. That's not how the straight world works, either.
He didn't say where he made his gay friends or what he thinks "the community" is. My guess is that he's one of these lazy sods who thinks the only place to find another gay man is at the local gay bar on Drag Race night. Or on GPS hookup apps. If the only thing you have in common with your friends is "gay," then yes... you're not going to make any long-lasting friendships or relationships. Find something you like to do... find a gay group that does it. There are a bunch of men who share your interests and you're not meeting them in a sexually-charged or alcohol-fueled atmosphere. Join a gay motorcycle club or baseball team or political action group or hiking club... that's where you make real friends and can find men who aren't just looking for quick sex while intoxicated.
Although it sounds like maybe this guy is his own problem. he doesn't sound like anyone I'd wanna invite over to my house for game night.
Also... if he's trying to say that it's only gay men who are bitchy and back stabbing and incapable of monogamy..he's in for a big surprise.
What games do you play? Card games? board games? Video games?
while I totally agree with the article, I have to add that the behavior being talked about is far from new...I came out when I was 17 years old...40 years ago now.. and trust me, NOTHING HAS CHANGED...men were sex pigs then, and they are sex pigs now... they were liars then and they are liars now...the only thing that has changed is it is easier now to find sex. BUT love, passion and kindness, that is still just as elusive now as it was 40 years ago..GAY men are just a bunch of lost souls with horny sex drives wit no morals and a lot of testosterone. Am I glad I am gay, yes, do I wish there were gays that had a clue about love, YES. Passion, love YES.. Am I tired of being called a lesbian because I still believe in love and passion YES.. Am I tired of gay men being such assholes, YES. What the hell is wrong with all the gays out there?
"All the gays"?You sound like someone prown to ignorant generalizations.
You claim that gays are hateful and full of shade....when you literally just wrote an article doing nothing but bashing people.......sounds accurate...
While I agree with most of this, my answer is to live my life as me. I don't seek to join any "community", I just connect to people, and they are my friends on various levels - some close, some not so much. It's the difference between a "life" and a "lifestyle". Take heart.
Well i stoped reading this artical after the word lifestyle, to be gay is not a life style, a life style is something you can choose to be gay is not, i have lived within the gay community since i can remember and iv seen a few of what you describe as self loathing or destructive pple but that is no reson to want to not be gay you dont have that choice ypu eith or or not its not a light switch.
I didn't stop reading but i had the same reaction. He seems to confuse sexual orientation with decisions you make on how you live your life and who you associate with. You don't like the online dating scene? Fine. Don't go online and avoid those into it. It is hard to find those that share your values but I think that is true whether you are gay or straight. Good relationships are hard to find whether they be romantic or platonic.
And.....the hateful leftists self centered gays rush to the comments section to prove the author right. I am so glad I came of age before smart phones turned so many people of all sexual preferences into introverted whores.
Fuck Trump! #resist