Re: Submissions

all_over_the_place — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 00:37:00 -0000

I've liked him for over a year. I always thought that he was the perfect guy. He was confident and cool, yet a little shy and reserved. My friends didn't really understand what I saw in him.. I thought that he was the cutest thing alive.. He's a real man.. tall and broad. he looked like the kind of guy who could protect me from any hardm taht might come my way. It all started in junior year. We would talk sometimes in classes that he had togther and we would look at each other sometimes from across the classroom. There were sometimes times at school activities/ events that we would talk . It was all pretty casual.. although I would usually go out of my way to talk to him (although I tried not to be too obvious about it). Now we dont see each other for the whole summer and theres some stuff that happened with other guys at a summer program.. but that ended and all of those people lived far away. I still liked him and when i came back to school we still had the same subtle flirtings going on. We hung out in school at times. Once we went on a walk andf ended up in this room and talked for at least a half hour.. just talking, nothing more. I really liked him and was pretty sure that he liked me. I got his screenname at some point and after much pacing eventually gained the courage to im him. We talked for a little bit and he mentiioned that we should hang out some time. Some time went by and we hadn't hung out and then I im'ed him over vaction and he asked if I wanted to see a movie with him. I had hooked up with guys before, but that was my fiurst real date. Was saw kind of a scary movie and I was like freaking out and holding onto him the whole time. Then he walked me home and kissed me right outside of my house. After that I was on cloud nine and was like so excited/nervous about this whole thing and where it would lead. I couldn't eat for a few days aftter that because of the excitment. I didn't hear back from him for the rest of vacation since we texted later that night. My friend was trying to convience me that he should've called me agian and that he was unable to be commited to anyone. I agreed with her and was upset with that he hadn't tried talking to me again, but I wasn't goiong to let it get to me too much... In school the next week we talked alittle sometimes, but not as much as I might've liked. There was this kind of awkwardness between us. I hated it and debated with myself over whether I should approach him and over what this meant for us and what he was thinking. I wasn't sure if he was just shy or if this meant that he didn't really like me... So one Saturday night I was obsessing and stressing to one of my friends and i asked her if she thought I should text him to ask to hang out.. she convienced me to text him. It turns out that he was hanging out with another friend that night and i told him that that was too bad b/c i wanted to hang out with him. He asked about the next day but I was unavailable so I told him that I was doing something but that we should hang out soon... That monday in school we were hanging out in school at some point when we both didn't have class. We ended up back in that room that he had taken me to a few months back. This time we hooked up in there. I was so happy.. he told me that he really wanted to do that.. then he was holding me and telling me that he didn'ty want me to leave (I had to go because i was already late for my ride home). The next time I saw him in school, we waved at each other. I don't exacty know how I should behave around him.. I feel weird being all over him and whatever. We talk occasionally and I get upset with the situation and at myself. I was especially upset with myself when I didn't talk to him at all at this particular school function. But I also realized, because a friend pointed it out, that he also didn't make an effort to talk to me so I shouldn't beat myself up over this.
I make a consciouss effort not to obsess over him beacsue I saw that it was pissing off my friends when I talked about him so much and that it wasn't healthy for me. We went on vacation again and I talked to him beforehand the break and found out that he was going to be away. Over the break I tried not to talk about him and i didn'ty text him. There wasn't that pressure of should I ask him to hang out/ should I not because he was away... On the first day back we were hanging out in school and walking around together and he stopped somewhere to make a photocopy and my friend comes up to me and asks me to go somewhere with her and I stupidly agree because I didn't know exactly how to explain why I couldn't go ( she's not a huge fan of his and it's possible that she was trying to get me away unpurpose). .. why I came back to where he was, he wasn't there.. I mean I don't blame him for anything.. I was just so extremely pissed at myself for voluntarily leaving when I had been waiting for a moment like this for over a month.

Sometimes I just think that I am so stupid. I am already confused about what he thinks.. and now I'm probably confusinmg him. There is so much I want to talk about but i don't know how/ don't always feel comfortable approaching him. i'm not sure exactly where I'd want this to go, but I know that I don't want it to stop. I've liked him for so long and I do not want to let such a good opportunity pass me by. I think that I'd want to be his gf. I want to have him all to myself and don't want to have this whole awkward thing between us. I also know that I really like him and that I would be crushed if I found out that there was anything going on with him and another girl. the thing is I don't just want to hook up wioth him. i want him. I want to hold hand, I want to just sit in each others' arms, I want to be able to tell him things that I cannot tell anyone else. A feart that I have of gettinmg into a relationship is knowing taht we will not be able to be together forever and that I don't want a bad breakup that would lead to a destruction of the friendship that we had or would leave me hating him. I know that I should not go into life with those fears, but I still have them. I also know that whatever we do end up having will have to end in about 4 months because our post college plans will lead us to be very fart away from one another next year. The fact that I know that we have an exact cut off date scares me a little in that i'll be going in knowing that it does not have the potential to last forever and that we are going to more or less have an exact cut off date. I also fear that what he wants is primarily a physical relationship whci is not really what i want. I know that i should talk to him about this at some point because I am so shy and have this humongous fear of rejection. I know that I should have more confidence in myself, but it is sometimes hard for me to grasp the idea that somebody actually likes me. Since he is honestly the first person in my school to really show interest in me and to recipricate my feelings for him. I do not want to end out the rest of my senior year without having a guy that is mine. i hope this doesn't sound like I am just settling for someone just because he likes me.. I do genuinely like him. i just realize that he is the only one and that there would be no one else for me if things werte to end with him.

my my thoughts are seriously all over the place. I'm sure that guys do not spend this much time trying to figure things out. I am still in the middle of this situation now and I really can't predict what will happen in the future... I guess I will just have to wait and see.

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Re: Submissions