Disqus - Latest Comments for ainomiaka

Re: How Do I Get My Twitch Crush To Like Me Back?

ainomiaka — Fri, 11 Dec 2020 14:40:07 -0000

but this wasn't a similar experience at all?

Re: How Do I Stop Leading People On?

ainomiaka — Wed, 09 Dec 2020 17:50:38 -0000

LW1 So while the docs advice of "do less, and worry less about spending so much time making sure other people are having a good time that you forget to have one" is good, I will add another side to that. Do less worrying about checking so hard how attached dudes are after one date that you are constantly changing yourself to manage that as well. This is also true of your friends so long as you are honestly happy with the amount of effort you are putting in and the reciprocity you are getting back-the dr and commenters are assuming that you are not, but that's not stated one way or another in your letter. Just that you don't feel as attached to them as they are to you. But you do not have to spend the entire time managing them to make sure they are no more attached to you than you are to them. That is also exhausting.

Be honest-I'm not advocating lying to anyone-but you don't have to and can't preemptively protect someone from relationship disappointment. Put the level of investment that YOU want to into your relationships, and let adults manage themselves.

Re: My Fiance Cheated on Me an Now He Wants An Open Relationship.

ainomiaka — Wed, 18 Nov 2020 09:26:47 -0000

Having been on both sides of this, your partner realistically should be willing to at least have coffee and say "yes, I'm real, and yes, I know." I generally met people in the context where spouses came too and these conversations could be just a natural introduction and saying hi. But it was important.

No, not everyone has to be friends, but if a 30 second hi was too much acknowledgement, I had a lot of questions about what else wasn't being acknowledged.

Re: My Fiance Cheated on Me an Now He Wants An Open Relationship.

ainomiaka — Mon, 16 Nov 2020 15:55:42 -0000

I mean, generally they skip the "well, we're talking about it".

But yeah-"aren't you dating someone?"

"oh yeah, we're in an open relationship" is absolutely a thing cheaters say.

it's a pretty common lie like "oh, the divorce is going to happen any day now"

Re: My Fiance Cheated on Me an Now He Wants An Open Relationship.

ainomiaka — Mon, 16 Nov 2020 14:20:22 -0000

I cannot speak for her friends-they're just being shitty-but it IS absolutely possible that the told his friends/acquaintances that they were in/were talking about an open relationship in a way that made it sound like the talks were much farther along than they were. It's a pretty common lie.

Re: My Friend Is In An Abusive Relationship. How Can I Help Her?

ainomiaka — Sun, 15 Nov 2020 17:52:38 -0000

yeah, save her may be too harsh a way of putting it-more, you may not see the results of your actions. You may just not know.

And I know what you mean about how some people can play off criticism- that's kinda what I meant by some big conversation where he says he's going to change his ways isn't likely to happen. Something smaller like "that's horrible" can be helpful for her to hear, even if he just continues on like before.

Re: My Friend Is In An Abusive Relationship. How Can I Help Her?

ainomiaka — Fri, 13 Nov 2020 11:22:30 -0000

Unfortunately, I think the doc is really downplaying the disadvantage you're at here because the abusive one is connected to you, he's your brother. If she was your relative or close friend first, I'd say focus on keeping a connection to her and showing that she's not isolated no matter what he does. But likely she's going to consider you one of his connections. That doesn't mean you shouldn't say again to her that he's being awful, but that likely means best case scenario she eventually gets out and cuts contact with both you AND him.

However, it means that making things awkward when he is awful to her is actually more likely to be effective. You should give up the fantasy that YOU are going to be the one that gets her out, but should absolutely do what the doc said and just say "that's awful" when you hear him say awful things or "that's not necessary" or "why would you even say that." Absolutely take away the social opprobrium that he uses to operate. You don't have to, and really shouldn't, push for some big confrontation until he says he's going to change his ways. You can just give him back a little of the awkwardness he causes every time he's so awful to her. You're functionally an outsider to her, not so much to him.

Re: Am I Keeping My Friend From Finding Love?

ainomiaka — Mon, 09 Nov 2020 14:14:31 -0000

I mean, it's honestly really hard to borderline impossible to really change someone else's body image for them. Yes, therapy is probably the right thing to do, but she has to decide she wants it. It sucks, because you are coming from a good place of trying to help.

Re: How Do I Date (Safely) During COVID?

ainomiaka — Mon, 09 Nov 2020 11:23:18 -0000

oh yeah-you're slightly more generous than me about that. I just assume that if there was obviously needed info that would make the LW look more good/reasonable/in the right/etc they would include it before publication on the internet, so if it wasn't included the LW knows how it looks.

Re: Am I Keeping My Friend From Finding Love?

ainomiaka — Mon, 09 Nov 2020 11:21:09 -0000

LW1-it sounds like he CAN decide to have a monogamous relationship if he wants one-he did it for those months. So I wouldn't worry about keeping him from that. You all clearly have come to some kind of terms with "what do we do if one of us wants to seriously date someone".

edited for clarity

Re: How Do I Date (Safely) During COVID?

ainomiaka — Mon, 09 Nov 2020 09:37:52 -0000

yes on all of this except-screw the whole "it's comedy, don't take it seriously" -I call BS. plenty of people use comedy to run up a flag and make sure people won't call them on their crappy attitudes. Let the awkwardness return to it's rightful home, the people who are testing the waters.

I also noticed that the LW didn't say much about what they didn't like. Just that the worst possible things the friends could do was not like them. Which. . . concerns me. Like, I get wanting your S.O.s friends to have a positive opinion of you. But them not liking you is not inherently toxic.

Re: Help, I’m Jealous of Someone Who Doesn’t Exist

ainomiaka — Tue, 03 Nov 2020 13:02:00 -0000

I mean, she is writing to a romance advice columnist. I probably wouldn't ask for or take Dr. Nerdlove's career advice about what to do after grad school if my field was different.

And I don't know about you, but in my grad school cohort there were PLENTY of people doing some permutation of dating/sleeping with each other. You didn't really have time to meet anyone else, so you had to go to people in the same or similar programs.

Re: Help, I’m Jealous of Someone Who Doesn’t Exist

ainomiaka — Mon, 02 Nov 2020 12:19:29 -0000

I do feel like it was interesting that she was soooo focused on losing the friendship when he found a relationship, but not her finding one and therefore having less time. Or getting a job in another city, or the 100s of things that can make daily talking not easy to sustain.

Re: Why Does My Boyfriend Want to Keep Us A Secret?

ainomiaka — Fri, 30 Oct 2020 12:03:45 -0000

LW1-the other point that I would add to your awkward conversation in addition to "what is he anxious about happening?" is "when does he think he is going to feel comfortable? What are the specific things that have to happen?" Not wanting everyone in your business the first month of a relationship may be something you can work with. But is he going to want you to actively lie to your friends for years? That's very different. Does he have an idea of what would have to happen to make him comfortable? That might be something you can work with, depending. Or is it when he one day wakes up and doesn't have any anxious feelings? That's very different.

Re: I Was Abused. How Do I Keep My Trauma Out of My Dating Life?

ainomiaka — Thu, 29 Oct 2020 09:47:25 -0000

for some men it'll be too much, others will be into it. Us playing hot or not with cosplay outfits doesn't really seem to matter to the LWs points.

Re: I Was Abused. How Do I Keep My Trauma Out of My Dating Life?

ainomiaka — Wed, 28 Oct 2020 16:51:28 -0000

yes so much on the status thing. That seems like exactly what he is imagining "I have all this power over the hordes" and not about the actual relationship itself.

Re: I Was Abused. How Do I Keep My Trauma Out of My Dating Life?

ainomiaka — Wed, 28 Oct 2020 16:47:49 -0000

I would generally agree with this, though the reasons he describes wanting to be with a cosplay model concern me. Not even in the MWC sense. But as in he only sort of describes it as compatibility, he (maybe not honestly, but definitely as described in the letter) seems to think that cosplay models go pick up their grocery perfectly decked out? He doesn't seem to be actually wanting a girl that is into geeky things, he strikes me as wanting a girlfriend that turns into a photograph when she leaves the house.

Re: I Want A Relationship. So Why Don’t They Make Me Happy?

ainomiaka — Tue, 27 Oct 2020 15:10:11 -0000

while this is a fine attitude in general, I will point out that LW was talking about making an online dating profile. And you do need at least SOME kind of recent photo for that. Profiles without photos are a big red flag, I'd immediately think that person is trying to cheat and doesn't want anyone they know to be able to prove it. Does it need to be a selfie? No, the dr had great advice about doing a photo session with a photographer to prove it.

Re: I Want A Relationship. So Why Don’t They Make Me Happy?

ainomiaka — Mon, 26 Oct 2020 17:31:27 -0000

and see this sounds like where I would go with the drs advice about look for someone who wants space too. They do exist. You actually express a desire for a relationship. I just don't see that in the 1st letter.

Re: I Want A Relationship. So Why Don’t They Make Me Happy?

ainomiaka — Mon, 26 Oct 2020 13:55:35 -0000

yeah, this would be my take too-they went to a con. Which could be a fun piece of info about their hobbies. Though if that's ALL the photos that someone had I would wonder what, if anything, else they did.

Re: I Want A Relationship. So Why Don’t They Make Me Happy?

ainomiaka — Mon, 26 Oct 2020 13:30:18 -0000

that's fair, and it's not that I don't believe legitimate ambivalence can exist. it's more-the only good thing the letter says about a relationship is fear of missing something. Which is the part that makes me really wonder. And maybe that's a legit question in general-do you feel drawn to have a relationship, or do you just feel like you "should" do that. Or fear of missing out.

Re: I Want A Relationship. So Why Don’t They Make Me Happy?

ainomiaka — Mon, 26 Oct 2020 10:55:08 -0000

I know that the LWs don't necessarily write the headlines, but I read the letter from LW1 and can only think "do you want a relationship? Really?" Which I want to support the drs position of-think about how you feel just not having one and letting that go. Do you feel better? You're not obligated to want a romantic relationship. And your letter honestly doesn't make it sound like you do, you just say you worry you'd be missing out.

Re: I Want A Relationship. So Why Don’t They Make Me Happy?

ainomiaka — Mon, 26 Oct 2020 10:51:52 -0000

personal take (I'm a woman, if your target is men this may be less applicable) is that one or two, particularly if you can tell that this is at some event I might recognize/you're involved with a hobby I recognize would be fun and tells something about you. Lots . . . seems like you are trying to let other people substitute for your personality.

Re: How Can I Learn To Avoid Being A Victim?

ainomiaka — Tue, 20 Oct 2020 16:43:53 -0000

and see, given that they only describe this as lasting a year, I'm not sure this does qualify as lasting past the newness hormones wearing off.

Re: How Can I Learn To Avoid Being A Victim?

ainomiaka — Tue, 20 Oct 2020 15:45:07 -0000

I mean, yes, sexual compatibility is a thing. I'm not debating that. My differing experience is in how rare that sexual compatibility is, particularly if you know where to have a greater odds of getting it. It. . . just hasn't been my experience that sexual compatibility is a rare, one in a million thing. Sure, there are plenty of people that no way no how are we going to be good for each other sexually, but there are also plenty of people that the compatibility is reasonable.