Disqus - Latest Comments for RecollectedStephanie

Re: I’m So Judgmental. I Want to Conquer This! Any Suggestions?

RecollectedStephanie — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 17:25:11 -0000

My solution: See what the other guy is looking at.

(FWIW, and never mind the bad grammar in my solution)

Whenever I can see the other person's world through that person's eyes (value system, experiences, place in the world as perceived by that person, available options, etc), I stop excoriating.

Something about the other person's choices will always make sense for that person. I notice that am dismissive and feel compelled to correct or to judge whenever I can't (or won't) admit to the other person's viewpoint.

I don't have to adopt it. I only have to see it - see, in the same way as I would "see" any character in a narrative. It takes all kinds of characters to make a narrative (all kinds of people to make a world). I have found that I am okay with a peopled world - and that I don't have to like (or fix) all the characters.

Re: The Happiness Project:

RecollectedStephanie — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 22:57:19 -0000

Oh! Now, that's a VERY good point, Jeffrey! Often, I think I have felt accused of that bravado thing, but when I have tried to verify this with other people - you know, the people who will tell a body the truth - the best kinds of friends - then I have discovered that it was indeed a tone of voice or a body language that communicated a sureness.

Another thing I find interesting about this concept is that the closer I get to "my" stuff - my vocations, my true callings - the less I worry about the accusations of conceit. My confidence, enthusiastically released into the creative acts of teaching children, for instance, is never something I worry about. Accuse away, naysayers! When I know what I'm doing, I know what I'm doing, and when I love it, I love it. Maybe when we feel less "fake" we are less susceptible to being accused of it?

Re: The Happiness Project:

RecollectedStephanie — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 12:33:27 -0000

Thank you, Gretchen. I was once "enthusiastic" as you define the trait, and now I get embarrassed when anyone catches me at it. I feel a need to keep my enthusiasm hidden. I wanted confidence instead. Confidence is less easy to mock. Confidence is less vulnerable to attack. And Richard's right, I think. Confidence is less easy to be around - it's less friendly.

I wonder ... do you suppose there is an element in enthusiasm that is necessarily childlike? Does an enthusiastic person have to be as open as a child? Perhaps that's why we mock it. It makes us uncomfortable to be as free and open as all that, or to watch anyone else being so unguarded, and yet Confidence feels like a direct challenge to some sorts of people. Enthusiasm seems naive, Confidence seems arrogant, but start with fussing, whining, worrying, or self-deprecation, and you've got "friends" by the dozen who'll join in!

I love your blog, Gretchen. I really do. It keeps reminding me not to pander to the sad sacks.

Re: In Which Holiday Decorating Reminds Me of Several Happiness Lessons.

RecollectedStephanie — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 09:19:58 -0000

Gretchen,
Several years ago, when another wife/mom and I were talking about Christmas decorations, she told me something that relates to this. I've laughed about it every year since then. She said she'd asked her husband that year which part of the Christmas decorating he wanted to do. He told her he wanted to do "the appreciating part."

Now, it's hard to argue with someone who's appreciating your work! Until the last couple of years, I'd have said that this was just the clever man's way out of doing something he didn't want to do. But now a new phase has come to us, and all our kids are adults. They don't live here any more. And what does my own "appreciating part" husband do? No more of the decorating than he ever did, but he asks about it nearly every day! All these years, he wasn't just getting out of something. He really was appreciating. Counting on it. Wanting it as much as the kids did (and still do). So this year ...

I realize that it adds to my happiness and to the happiness of this house - no matter who is here at the moment and who isn't - if I do the stuff that gives everyone else their annual and very contentedly happy appreciating parts.

Re: What word describes your desire for 2009?

RecollectedStephanie — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 13:58:32 -0000

GENUINE -- authentic, real, true, unalloyed, unhampered, unvarnished --- and DYNAMIC -- changing, fluid, alive, organic, spiritual, responsive, awake, vigorous

That Style Statement is everything gorgeous and seminal for me, and I am grateful beyond words for the work you've done, Carrie and Danielle. Your work gave me a kind of hand-hold on my own work as I start the second half of my life. Thank you.

Re: What were the highlights of 2008 for you?

RecollectedStephanie — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 14:41:16 -0000

Married 25 years ... got the diagnosis "not cancer, but nearly was" ... returned to school. It's been a big year.

Re: Be a walking contradiction.

RecollectedStephanie — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 16:05:07 -0000

(Not Danielle ... hope you don't mind?)

It took me a long time to figure this out. I turned 48 this year, and so I can safely say that for about 40 years, I've been trying to reconcile the plain fact that I mean what I say, say exactly what I mean or as close to that as I can get, and still end up with cries of "melodramatic" and "so enthusiastic" thrown at me as a way to filter or dilute what I am trying to say. To me, drama and enthusiasm and artistry seemed to be a contradiction or some kind of mitigation of my core, as I knew my core to be.

But then I did the Style Statement questions and found the suggestion that the Creative Edge is very likely to be in something that seems like an opposite. It all came together for me in that moment.

Are the blossoms or firm fruits of the apple tree less a part of the tree than the trunk? Does the fact that the blossoms smell sweet make them less of the tree? Does the possibility of apple pie make the power of a root system less powerful?

In fact, I can now assert that the flow of creativity found in my Creative Edge of "Dynamic" is only possible on the basis of my Genuine Core. A carver can make exquisite artistry of genuine hardwoods. Real marble can become a Michaelangelo's David. The Dynamic flow is only possible for me when I'm using something Genuine.

Stephanie, Genuine Dynamic

Re: The Pattern of Relationship: Quote of The Day

RecollectedStephanie — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 15:53:17 -0000

Perfect.

Re: Sophisticated Nostalgic: Style Statement Praise

RecollectedStephanie — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 21:16:46 -0000

Heeeeyyy! I know that Karen! Welcome aboard, Snow White!

Love,

Rose Red (aka Genuine Dynamic)

Re: What’s your image of God?

RecollectedStephanie — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 10:43:37 -0000

God is Light - People are His Image, like a loving portrait painted by a Master. The people are all the colors in the Light Spectrum. You might be purple, I might be orange ... colors act and interact with each other, look different next to one rather than another. But to make a true image of Light, we need all of us. Light is all of the colors.

Re: Shopping for your Wardrobe with Wisdom

RecollectedStephanie — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 12:12:45 -0000

Re: #2 ... That mean little voice LOVES to live at home! I have to kick it out completely. It's not allowed safe haven anywhere, and it's always trying to sneak in the doors and windows (and TV screen and magazine pages sometimes). So ... "be kind to yourself" - oui. But that little voice? It never really goes away, but I don't have to let it stay comfortably in my home. It's a nasty piece of work, that one is.

Re: The Benefits of Mess

RecollectedStephanie — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 23:08:09 -0000

I wish I could remember which (desperately read) organization book it was in, but one of them had tips for paperwork that were: "handle each piece of paper once" and "file the most frequently used at the front of the file drawer." Those two I have remembered. The other one in that book was the Lists one - each day's list is on a piece of paper in a spiral binder, crossed off as done, and then copied onto the next page if not done so that they form the beginning of the next day's list. That one works for me too, in times of extreme busy-ness.

Re: What are the tools of your trade?

RecollectedStephanie — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 21:07:07 -0000

An ergonomic keyboard. Good writing paper and pens. Sharp pencils. Whatever good book I'm reading at the moment. Copious amounts of time in which nobody is talking to me. A few dependable people to bounce ideas off of, and a chance to try again to get the words right.

Re: The Benefits of Mess

RecollectedStephanie — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 15:48:56 -0000

Best book I ever read on this topic: _It's Hard to Make a Difference When You Can't Find Your Keys_, by Marilyn Paul. You'd love it!

Re: What will you say no to this week?

RecollectedStephanie — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 16:04:40 -0000

This week I am saying no to: naysayers of all sorts, the predictably woeful Greek Chorus in my head predicting impending doom, my own laziness, and my own fears, and I am even saying no to all my own past attempts (failures AND successes). They need have no power right now. This week I am saying yes love - because love casts out fear. And I am remembering what an instructor said last week. The difference between experience and learning is that experience is always something in the past. Learning is present tense. No - definitely no - to the wait for another experience. Yes - absolutely yes - to the learning.

Re: What does it mean to be civilized?

RecollectedStephanie — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 22:34:53 -0000

To my mind, the height of acting like a civilized person is to feel deeply, and experience fully, and grieve, and lose, and completely screw up and know you've done it ... and never take it out on anyone else.

Re: Turn Towards

RecollectedStephanie — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 17:02:25 -0000

1. Instant Messenger
2. "Sneaking" a moment when everyone else is out of the room (we've been married for 25 years ... so, "sneaking" is also funny)
3. "Hey! Listen to this!" while reading a book
4. Remembering to do the thing asked, and then remembering to say I've done it
5. Reaching for each other at the end of the day in bed

Re: I Painted my Style Statement!

RecollectedStephanie — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 21:28:31 -0000

Oh, I GOTTA git me some PAINT!!! That's really great!

Re: Paint Your Style Statement

RecollectedStephanie — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 00:42:35 -0000

Oh, I LOVE that!!! I didn't have a way to work with the colors, but I couldn't resist my "words" so I did this and put it on my computer's desktop:
http://recollectedlife.blog...
( http://tinyurl.com/6g33rt )

Re: In terms of Creativity, what are you attracted to?

RecollectedStephanie — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 17:43:33 -0000

I am attracted to light, and to those who see. Ingenuity is attractive, but it seems to me to be a kind of echo of creativity. Creativity seems to me to be the ability to see light and make it seen. Paintings that are somehow "about" the light that is in them ... rooms arranged around the light and not hiding from it ... clarity of inner vision because of something an author or musician has done ... for me, it's all about light. The creative acts that happen in a setting of things "without form and void" are all creative acts of letting there be light, and all creativity shines, I think.

Re: Mind the sale.

RecollectedStephanie — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 14:53:25 -0000

Shopping sensually also keeps a shopper out of icky and discouraging places - well, it keeps me out of them, anyway. I find that I only shop in certain places when I'm already depressed! They don't even sound mildly interesting if I'm not already feeling rotten.

The other thing I think it does is stop a person from calling hoarding by the wrong name of "frugality" and substitutes the creating of a beautiful life with the filling of an empty one - with junky stuff that make you feel like you "deserve" or can find virtue in ugliness.

Do we think money buys style? Labels mark the items that will stamp the owner with social status? Or that a "good deal" means purchasing an item is virtuous somehow?

Whatever it is, shopping sensually solves the problem. Thanks for this post.

Re: What has been your most significant beginning?

RecollectedStephanie — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 13:28:02 -0000

The significant beginnings have been: my first journal to write in, given to me by parents who thought themselves to be supplying a romantic teenager with something interesting, but who were in reality planting seeds in the deepest part of my being; the first time my husband and I went on a walk together, in my (new) neighborhood, and he didn't let on that he knew I'd gotten us lost; and the day someone handed back to me my own crying infant and she stopped crying as if someone had switched her to "off" - and I thought with a shock, "Oh...! I'M the mom." All my other beginnings pale in comparison with those three.

Re: How do you define waste?

RecollectedStephanie — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 09:34:01 -0000

You might actually really need a break! Sometimes even people who eat junk food are actually hungry, after all.

Re: How do you define waste?

RecollectedStephanie — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 08:58:51 -0000

Buying things just to buy things seems to me to be a waste of time, attention, and resources. Buying things meant for throwing away - the modern complicity with planned obsolescence - blech! It's hard to value what you won't care for, and if the things in a life all seem disposable, then the life itself starts to seem that way too.

It's also possible to waste time and energy being uber efficient, ultra utilitarian, and extremely conservationist - but that misses the point too. Grasping at every speck of every Thing is wasteful, if it takes up all a person's attention and focus. So, I suppose I'd say I think waste happens wherever gratitude doesn't.

Re: What do you cherish about your home?

RecollectedStephanie — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 12:35:49 -0000

Oh, those candles! Candles are a thing with me, too. The fire element ... the Norse sensibility of fire and ice ... pretty much, from Michaelmas (the beginning of the battle for light over darkness) until Easter (when light wins), there are candles burning in this house from sunset until bedtime. That's a cherished thing for me. (And thanks for the link!)

The other cherished things are the bookcase and harp my husband made for me, the heavy upright piano I learned on as a kid that now resides in my home, and the constant likelihood that I'll find another guitar pick when I'm cleaning up around here. Our books - in various languages. And our view - across the field to the fir trees, and above them to the mountains on the other side of the Gorge.