Disqus - Latest Comments for MOSHERABEYNU

Re: give them diet coke and cigs and they dont stop - danhacker: Amy Sedaris on last night’s Jimmy...

MOSHERABEYNU — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 21:44:32 -0000

Greetings, ladies and gentlemen, from your friendly former exotic dancer, Moshe Rabeynu. I am interested in establishing a "Chippendales" type establishment in Israel. What type of assistance and tax benefits does the Israeli government provide to new businesses of olim chadashim? Are there many such entertainment facilities in Israel? I would like some idea as to how stiff the competition would be. Do Israeli women, as a rule, like to look at males dancing in skimpy G-strings? Are they generous tippers? Would they put a shekel to the shmeckel? If I hire other olim chadashim as dancers, would they have to pay any taxes on their tips? Can I employ dancers who have not had a bris ? I might want to hire one or two to add variety to the show’s lineup. Is a liquor license hard to obtain in Israel. Do I have to bribe any officials to receive one? To whom is it customary to pay proteksia money to start a business and keep it going and approximately how much to they ask for? . It’s not easy having to retire from all the glamour and the excitement. I yearn to shave my legs and pubic area, don my good old G-string once again and to get back into the limelight as the leader of a first rate male exotic dance review. I have put on a little weight over the course of my retirement years but I have started an exercise regimen to tighten my pecs, glutes and abs which the ladies like so much. I am going to undergo penile enlargement surgery while I’m still living in the U.S. to compensate for the “shrinkage” of old age (as George Constanza would describe it). I would have had it done in Israel after aliyah, however, the Jewish Agency Representative told me I would have to pay an import duty on the implant device in Israel because it was over nine inches. The Israeli Government limit’s the size of a penile implant to 4 ¾ inches to qualify for the oleh chadash tax and import duty exemption. I explained that this was a work related expense and an integral part of the Male Exotic Dance business but he told me that Israel as a socialist society and they didn’t see why anyone should require an implant in order to have such exceptionally large genitalia. I asked him, “what about each according to his ability, each according to his needs”. I explained that if I were going to be a success in my chosen line of endeavor, I would “need” to pack the gear. The whole matter is still up in the air and I have come to the conclusion that he is angling for a bribe or payoff either for himself or a cohort. He told me on the QT that it might be possible to fudge the official import manifest paperwork to look like the importation of two 4 ¾ inch implants instead of one 9 ½ inch implant. I could certify that I was orthodox and one implant was “milchadikeh” and one was “flayshekikeh”. This whole rigmarole will have to be steered through the immigration bureaucratic process by unseen hands so I assume someone, somewhere, will require a payoff. Additionally, I have been advised that there might be a problem with the Rabbinate. They feel that it is unseemly for a woman to place her tip in the male dancer’s G-string. They said that they will require that all the dancers carry “pishkahs”
(containers with slots on top) like I had to carry around, when I was in Hebrew school, for the Keren Kayemet. I asserted that if the ladies want to put their sheckels by the shmeckles and get a little peek and a little poke in the process, this is their right as “am chofshi”! The male dancers will be instructed to carry the “pishkahs” but the ladies can place their tips wherever they please, be it in the dancer’s pouch or his “pishkah” slot. I’ll have to sign off for now. I’m getting some new G-strings made up and I have an appointment for a fitting.

Re: The Frickin’ Balls on Israel

MOSHERABEYNU — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 23:31:30 -0000

CHILDREN MUST BE INCULCATED AS TO THE BENEFITS OF MASTURBATION IN THE ATTAINMENT AND MAINTENANCE OF A HEALTHY MIND AND A HEALTHY BODY! PENT UP SEXUAL FRUSTRATION IN CHILDREN HAS NEVER BEEN HONESTLY AND ADEQUATELY DISCUSSED AND DEALT WITH IN JEWISH DISCOURSE AND DOCTRINE. MODERN LIFESTYLES AFFORD INDIVIDUALS THE PRIVACY AND HYGIENIC FACILITIES NECESSARY TO MASTURBATE IN A PRIVATE, DIGNIFIED AND SANITARY MANNER. ONE CAN WELL UNDERSTAND THE IRE THAT WAS AROUSED BY MASTURBATING INDIVIDUALS FOUR THOUSAND YEARS AGO WHEN AN ENTIRE LARGE FAMILY LIVED TOGETHER IN A TENT IN AN ARID LOCATION. NOBODY WANTED TO HAVE A WAD OF FLYING JISSUM HIT HIM IN THE EYE OR LAND IN HIS HUMUS. WATER WAS SCARCE AND ONE HAD TO WALK , SOMETIMES LONG DISTANCES, TO THE WELL TO GET IT, IF IT WAS AVAILABLE AT ALL. UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES IT WAS A CHOICE OF WATER FOR DRINKING OR WATER FOR WASHING EJACULATE OFF OF ONE’S HANDS. THIS IS WHY THE EARLY SAGES WERE SO VOCIFEROUS IN THEIR CONDEMNATION OF MASTURBATION. WE JEWISH PEOPLE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A HORNY BUNCH AND, IF THERE WEREN'T THESE SEVERE STRICTURES AGAINST MASTURBATION AT THAT TIME, THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN ERRANT CUMSTAINS ALL OVER THE PLACE AND THE SMELL OF FRESHLY RELEASED JISSUM WOULD HAVE WAFTED FAR AND WIDE, EVEN WITHIN THE HALLOWED HALLWAYS OF THE SACRED TEMPLE ITSELF. TIMES HAVE CHANGED. IF PARENTS TODAY STRESS THE BENEFITS OF MASTURBATION TO THEIR CHILDREN, THEY WILL HELP LESSEN THE OCCURRENCE OF STDs, AND UNPLANNED PREGNANCIES. SCHOLARSHIP LEVELS WOULD INCREASE DRAMATICALLY WITH THE RELEASE OF PENT UP ADOLESCENT EJACULATORY TENSION.. IF NECESSARY, PARENTS SHOULD SET AN EXAMPLE FOR THEIR CHILDREN AS TO THE PROPER METHODOLOGY FOR THIS ACTIVITY AND FOLLOW UP AND MAKE SURE THAT THEIR CHILDREN ARE MASTURBATING REGULARLY AT AN OPTIMUM FREQUENCY. KEEPING A MASTURBATION DIARY COULD BE A VERY USEFUL TOOL IN MAINTAINING THE PROPER SCHEDULE. EVERY PARENT SHOULD ASK HIS CHILDREN ON A DAILY BASIS, "DID YOU DO YOUR HOMEWORK AND MASTURBATE TODAY?" OH, OF COURSE, THE CHABADNIKS AND THE FRUMNIKS WILL YELL OUT, "BUT RAMBAM SAID THIS, AND RASHI SAID THAT AND RABBI AKIVA SAID THIS, AND THAT, ABOUT THE EVILS OF MASTURBATION." PROBABLY ALL THREE OF THEM WERE MASTURBATING WHILE THEY WERE WRITING THESE STRICTURES, ANOTHER CASE OF "DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO". WE MUST NOT CONTINUE TO LET OTHERS DO OUR THINKING FOR US UNDER THE GUISE OF RELIGIOUS EXPERTISE. SHALOM AND ZEI GEZUNT!

Re: People's Weekly World - Unity � the only road to victory

MOSHERABEYNU — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 15:54:18 -0000

Greetings, ladies and gentlemen, from your friendly retired exotic dancer, Moshe Rabeynu. I did not realize when I generated my inquiry concerning the start-up of a male exotic dance facility in Israel that it would be that amusing to so many people. It’s not easy having to retire from all the glamour and the excitement. I yearn to shave my legs and pubic area, don my good old G-string once again and to get back into the limelight as the leader of a first rate male exotic dance review. I have put on a little weight over the course of my retirement years but I have started an exercise regimen to tighten my pecs, glutes and abs which the ladies like so much. I am going to undergo penile enlargement surgery while I’m still living in the U.S. to compensate for the “shrinkage” of old age (as George Constanza would describe it). I would have had it done in Israel after aliyah, however, the Jewish Agency Representative told me I would have to pay an import duty on the implant device in Israel because it was over nine inches. The Israeli Government limit’s the size of a penile implant to 4 ¾ inches to qualify for the oleh chadash tax and import duty exemption. I explained that this was a work related expense and an integral part of the Male Exotic Dance business but he told me that Israel as a socialist society and they didn’t see why anyone should require an implant in order to have such exceptionally large genitalia. I asked him, “what about each according to his ability, each according to his needs”. I explained that if I were going to be a success in my chosen line of endeavor, I would “need” to pack the gear. The whole matter is still up in the air and I have come to the conclusion that he is angling for a bribe or payoff either for himself or a cohort. He told me on the QT that it might be possible to fudge the official import manifest paperwork to look like the importation of two 4 ¾ inch implants instead of one 9 ½ inch implant. I could certify that I was orthodox and one implant was “milchadikeh” and one was “flayshekikeh”. This whole rigmarole will have to be steered through the immigration bureaucratic process by unseen hands so I assume someone, somewhere, will require a payoff. Additionally, I have been advised that there might be a problem with the Rabbinate. They feel that it is unseemly for a woman to place her tip in the male dancer’s G-string. They said that they will require that all the dancers carry “pishkahs”
(containers with slots on top) like I had to carry around, when I was in Hebrew school, for the Keren Kayemet. I asserted that if the ladies want to put their sheckels by the shmeckles and get a little peek and a little poke in the process, this is their right as “am chofshi”! The male dancers will be instructed to carry the “pishkahs” but the ladies can place their tips wherever they please, be it in the dancer’s pouch or his “pishkah” slot. I’ll have to sign off for now. I’m getting some new G-strings made up and I have an appointment for a fitting.

Re: People's Weekly World - Editorial: GOP meltdown

MOSHERABEYNU — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 21:18:01 -0000

One day, while I was vacationing in Hong Kong, I misplaced the key to my hotel room. I called the hotel manager and told him that I needed a new key as soon as possible. Three minutes later, a prostitute showed up at my door saying “Manager tell me you want nooky quick-quick. You give me hundred dollar, I give you number one nooky!” I tried to explain to the young woman, “No, I want a NEW KEY, not your nooky!” She got angry and yelled at me, You want nooky but not MY nooky! What wrong with MY nooky? My nooky clean, just wash this morning!” “You don’t understand me”, I told her, “I need a NEW KEY!”. “And I need hundred dollar!”, she replied at the top of her voice. “Well“, I thought to myself, “since I can’t leave without a new key, I might as well avail myself of the opportunity.” That is when I got my Chinese nickname. When I took my drawers down, the young woman exclaimed, “You hung so lo!, you hung so lo!” “No, I told her, my name is Moshe Rabeynu, I’m not Hung So Lo. I’m not even half-Chinese.” “For China“ she replied “you hung so lo!” So that is how I became known as Moshe “Hung So Lo” Rabeynu in China.

Re: People's Weekly World - EDITORIAL: Dawn of a new era

MOSHERABEYNU — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 00:36:58 -0000

I had a nightmare last night and I am still shaking. I know there must be some deep and hidden meaning behind it and I am hoping that someone out there might be able to help me interpret this dream as Joseph helped the Pharaoh. I dreamt that I was the meat in the sandwich between Tzippi Livni and Sarah Palin, you know what I mean, that I was “Lucky Pierre”. But, in this dream, upon my awakening in the morning, I had a terrible taste in my mouth and found myself between Golda Meir and Madeline Albright. Oy, gottenyu!!

Re: AOL’s Quigo Acquisition Complete

MOSHERABEYNU — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 20:32:48 -0000

Re: People's Weekly World - Equal rights at the Oscars

MOSHERABEYNU — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 22:50:44 -0000

“THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR’S WIFE OR THY NEIGHBOR’S ANUS”