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Re: Who is Affected by your Intercultural Relationship?

Kim_MK — Sun, 17 May 2009 09:44:17 -0000

I know that no one has contributed to this blog for quite a while now, but I wanted to add my current experiences and hopefully seek some advice.

I recently told my parents about my white boyfriend very recently. They were shocked, upset and devasted to say the least. They shouted and got very very angry. I have already posted a few comments about my situation on the blog: “Have You Ever Felt Guilty About Your Intercultural Relationship?” so I’ll try not to repeat things here.

My parents have not properly spoke to me since I told them, I do have my own place but have been staying at home in the hope that they would talk to me. Sadly all they have said to me is “end it!” Yesterday they confronted me again asking if I had ended it with my boyfriend, and when I replied no, they were angry and said that I have no care for them or their position in society. They are scared that they will be disowned by society because of me, that people will make malicious remarks about their daughter “running off with a white guy”, how they will feel deeply embarrassed that I am with a white guy if they had to invite me round for a festival, and that people would wonder why my parents didn’t try to stop me from the relationship and no wonder I didn’t find any of the suitors that family and friends suggested suitable.

The fact is I do care about my parents and it scares me that family and friends will disown them or say malicious things out of spite (this is not uncommon in Indian culture). But at the same time I’m trying to make my parents understand about my happiness and how I feel about somebody I have met.
I thought my parents would disown and ‘kick me out of the house’ when I told them, instead they’ve given me the silent treatment and telling me about the stress and headache and heartache that I will be causing them and the rest of my family by continuing with my boyfriend.

It’s hard having to live in this situation where no one talks to you (my dad just gives me dirty looks and my mum ignores me), its hard hearing the things that my parents say to me, and to be honest, I don’t know what effect that will have on the relationship with me and my boyfriend. I care and love about my parents and I want them to understand that I am happy. My sibling can’t understand why I would even still think about being with my boyfriend after everything my parents have said….
I don’t have doubts about my boyfriend, but as with anything in life, you never know what’s around the corner. So I think that to date, the relationship I’ve had with my boyfriend has been great. But when my parents say things to me in anger it’s starting to make me doubt things…I know I have a lot to lose if I continue my relationship – my parents, my sibling, my close family and family friends, my parents could lose the respect in the community…The ripple effect….

It scares me… and I am having to weigh up things.

Re: Have You Ever Felt Guilty About Your Intercultural Relationship?

Kim_MK — Fri, 08 May 2009 20:11:06 -0000

Many thanks Auroracoda & GoriGirl for your advice. It’s a comfort to hear that other’s thoughts.

My parents have been looking for suitors for me since the age of 22/23…I am now nearly 30 years old!!! My mum has said that she will not stop trying to find a suitor until I say yes. Even when I was single none of the guys my parents introduced I found suitable for whatever reason. I am always polite and courteous to the suitor if I met/spoke to them (I don’t want people saying anything back to my parents about me being rude/difficult), however each time I have knocked back a suitor my mum (not so much my dad) would give me the silent treatment. Leaving me to feel guilty of my decision.

One thing that is very prominent in my culture or perhaps more specifically in my community, is AGE! I am nearly 30 years old, converting that into my culture age, I’m practically an old lady who can go rest now. It’s not just my parents who worry that I’m aging and not married, but also family and family friends. When aunts or uncles come round, their Nameste’s are always followed by when are you getting married or I have a nice mundha (boy) for you. Even family friends are asking “what is wrong with you?” Or “Don’t you want to get married?”. My friends provide comfort by telling me to ignore them and who cares what they say!! Even though for the time I spend with my firends I share their attitude, as soon as I’m at an event or any festivity I get the questioning and what I term “hassle”.

So as you can imagine, we have a strong sense of community. And this is one of the reasons why my parents are against intercultural relationships. Saving face is a VERY big thing in Indian culture. As other commenter’s have described, there is a strong close knit community. And in some cases even though someone might be nice and comforting to your face, behind your back it’s a web of gossip and shame. My mum is very much a community person and the thought of her daughter going out with a non-Indian is an immense disgrace and highly shameful! I deal with this one by thinking, its all gossip – “today’s news is tomorrow’s history”….but people can be mean and throw things back in your face. And this is why I worry that my parents will become ill. The stress of it all will be too much.
I guess my parents have both irrational and rational concerns as you mentioned GoriGirl. My boyfriend is more than happy to go to India, he’s happy when we go to an Indian restaurant - or maybe that’s because food is being served?!?! :o) He has not stopped me from praying at home or speaking in Punjabi or going to the temple etc.
GoriGirl I take on board your advice about explaining things to them – thank you.

My uncle has married a European woman. It was a complete shock to all the family and I remember when he told me, I EVEN asked him why? My family have never disowned him (as mentioned above, for guys things are slightly different and more acceptable), however it’s not been easy. It’s very difficult when both sides of the family get together, culturally things are done differently and there is the obvious language barrier. I think about those things, but perhaps I’m being foolish I try not to let them bother me.

I’ve never ever told my parents about any of my past relationships. I would have only told them if I was getting married to them (not been the case before), however I’m in a situation where I want to move on with things in my life, and my boyfriend is part of that. I would definitely not move in with my boyfriend before telling my parents, purely out of respect as you have both mentioned and above all they would wonder where I’ve gone!!
I actually moved out of my house (for the first time!) about a year and half ago. I couldn’t take the pressure from my parents about getting married and decided I needed to breathe. I found a room in a lovely townhouse near work and have been renting since then. For an unmarried Indian girl to move out is unheard of, so I had to lie to my parents saying it was for work purposes. On the other side I said to them that I would come to visit every weekend, and that’s what I’ve been doing ever since.

I know my parents would want me to get married as soon as possible to someone who I like and obviously from a good family, and they want me to be happy. It breaks my heart to think that I will be telling them about a guy that is not Indian and I will be living with him before marriage is discussed.

Once again I thank you both for your advice and words of comfort. I’m absolutely terrified of even starting the conversation with my parents…..but I have made a decision to tell them and I hope to tell them soon – to bite the bullet and just do it. The guilt and secrecy is weighing me down..

Re: Have You Ever Felt Guilty About Your Intercultural Relationship?

Kim_MK — Sat, 02 May 2009 20:21:15 -0000

I’m reading this blog at 1:30am UK time, wishing all the good things for Aisha and her future. But I am sad to hear that guilt broke down the relationship with her boyfriend.

I am in a relationship with a white (English) guy. I am a Hindu Punjabi, born and have grown up in London. We’ve been dating for over 2 years and no surprise here but I haven’t told my parents.
My parents have tried to introduce me to possible suitors for marriage (arranged), but not one of them have I found suitable. There were times in the past, even if I didn’t like the guy I would still make a huge effort in the hope that I would find something nice about him, but alas nothing.

I want to tell my parents now (they are still introducing suitors, who to meet to avoid any questioning from my parents, and then knock back), but its trying to find the courage and words that I find difficult. I want to tell my parents because I can’t keep on meeting these arranged suitors; it’s not fair on my parents, my boyfriend, and above all on me. My parents are traditional although they have tried to adjust to the ‘modern’ times. There are times when I think my parents will accept him, but I think about the reality of it all. Like Aisha, my mum has clearly stated and in some begged (that is horrible!) me NOT to go out/marry a white/black guy! Also like Aisha, I have a sibling who refuses to acknowledge or accept it.

I find it so difficult, and often I find myself going numb and almost brain-dead like. I’m not close to my parents, one might say we have a formal relationship. I’ve never been able to talk to my parents at a friend-like level, because we have very different interpretations of things.
Nevertheless I feel guilty, I’m scared that my family will disown me, I’m scared the shock will make my parents ill.
My boyfriend has said he will support me and be there for me when I tell my parents, and to date has never placed any pressure on me telling them.

My boyfriend is not at a stage for getting married (not sure I am too yet, but would like to some day), he wants me to move in with him before any decision of marriage is made. Living with someone pre-marriage does not exist in my culture – you meet someone, you marry them, THEN you live with them. I’m willing to do the ‘living together’ thing because of how I feel about him.
That adds another item to the mix – I have to tell my parents that I’m going out with a white guy and we are not getting married but will be living together…I don’t know how to explain the latter one to them (explain in a way that doesn’t hurt them more).

I feel like I’m going around in a circle and feeling numb is when I get to stop this motion. I am happy and in love with my boyfriend, I love my parents, but I am going stir-mad with thought of telling them…I don’t know where to begin…