Disqus - Latest Comments for Curiousg

Re: Unmotivated Kids

Michael@Awareness * Connection — Sat, 09 Oct 2010 14:14:45 -0000

Just ran across this gentleman who certainly agrees with you and makes the argument quite persuasively: Ken Robinson Talk on Schools

Re: One Year Ago on Awareness * Connection: Helping Your Child with Back to School Anxiety

Michael@Awareness * Connection — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 10:48:12 -0000

I can sure see how that can be a powerful mix of emotions...a significant milestone in your lives.

Re: iDog, and Up and Out of the Tween

Michael@Awareness * Connection — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 15:05:12 -0000

Very glad to hear a kid's perspective. Thanks for your well thought out comment. I see what you mean about giving a present and taking it away.

To explain my thinking on this, hearing can never be replaced once it is damaged. I speak from experience on that one. Also since she's only eight another alternative would have been to decide she was too young to have an iPod. I feel better with this conversation and making the use of the iPod contingent on her remembering to bring it back to us to readjust it (when going back and forth with the iDog eardrum piercing level, and regular listening settings). I guess I don't see contingency—it's okay to use X so long as you're willing to do it safely—as a threat. It just pointing out the conditions under which she can use it. To take a more extreme example, it would be the same if she'd purchased a car. Even if she bought it, she'd be free to use it so long as she wasn't endangering her or other people's lives.

This iDog sure complicated things a bit. If she only had the iPod we could just set the volume limiter and there would be no problem. It is the going back and forth from the settings for listening on her own and with iDog that created the problem.

These days iDog has gone the way of many toys. She doesn't use him anymore. Fortunately despite my imperfect parenting some issues just evaporate. She continues to thoroughly enjoy her iPod though.

Thanks again for your thoughtful input.

Re: Gottman: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child

Michael@Awareness * Connection — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 12:40:19 -0000

Hi Lauren,

Nice summary in you post. You clearly know your way around the psych literature. Adler also posited belonging and significance as being primary motivators. It was all theoretical at the time, but has held up well over time.

I think Goleman and Gottman would claim that the core skills involved in emotional intelligence (as you point out that Gardner lables inter- and intra-personal intelligence) are central to how people do in life. They would say more central than IQ.

I think EQ is a bit of a pop psychology term, and isn't used much by researchers, but I do think it communicates something for folks who aren't conversant in psychology. I do think something like EQ is central to functioning, but I think that general intelligence has some overlap with it. I also think that relatively innate temperament traits have a lot to do with what Gottman calls EQ. If you're an introverted monkey, no amount of learning is likely to propel you to being a supremely influential alpha. Your temperament is going to set the range on where the learning will take you. To get metaphorical, it creates valleys in the topography that shape the general direction.

Temperament sets those outter limits on reactivity and regulation, but experience can shape those further. That's where Love and Logic comes in. I think you captured it well saying that it helps to teach what you are and are not responsible for. Love and Logic plays a large role in helping children increase their sense of agency or self efficacy using the sorts of everyday challenges that come up. The empathy creates an increased level of openness and flexibility in the child. Scaffolding along with that empathy with an eye to helping kids build a responsibility outlook, in incremental steps helps kids to learn that their poor decisions have consequences, but that they are able to learn from those and make amends when necessary. It also teaches them with scaffolding and incremental steps that they have a lot of potential positive influence on their environment for their good and for the good of others. As a relative of Adlerian psychology it has a focus on the connection with society (the community) being essential to functioning well in life.

I've gotta run for now, but I'll just add that kids raised with something like Love and Logic learn how to make productive decisions the way you learn a foreign language...by doing it. Also the conditions of empathy foster growth in any number of areas. They certainly helpful with learning personal and social skills. Young brains that are nurtured in an empathic environment are more able to engage in perspective taking which is very helpful no matter what job you end up with in adult life. Empathy by itself results in permissive parenting that is less than helpful. Limits with no empathy is authoritarian. Striking a balance between the two leads to what parenting research calls authoritative parenting. It is the sweet spot where kids end up with the best outcomes.

Hope that helps. ~Michael

Re: Save the Words for the Happy Times, Part IV: The Art of the Delayed Consequence

Michael@Awareness * Connection — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 11:04:13 -0000

Hey Beth. I like that Horse Whisperer one. Anything to help us create a pause. That's good

I may not have communicated that piece clearly about the timeline, but that is part of the collaborative setting up of the chores on the front end. I advocate agreeing ahead of time when the chore needs to be done by so the kid can decide what works for them anytime before it is due. That's the principle of shared control that runs through all the ideas on working with kids that I write about here.

So the child gets input into when that is, within reason. I think you're right that having a window within which they can choose when to get it done avoids an awful lot of problems in the long run, and helps kids to learn how to take responsibility to contributing to the household. In the story Jon had already passed that deadline that he agreed to and is blowing his Mom's request off, which is why Mom feels pretty good about doing something about it.

Thanks for stopping by and for weighing in Beth.

Re: Book: The Sociopath Next Door

Michael@Awareness * Connection — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 14:18:09 -0000

Wow Sarah, sounds like you went through a lot. Throwing people's lives into complete disarray then blaming it all on them, and of course, feeling no remorse, is all part of the sociopathic package.

Regarding you questions I can't speculate about their situations. All I can say is that it is that in my experience when a sociopath moves through someone's life, a lot of chaos is almost always in their wake. Setting very firm boundaries with them is essential to keep from getting entangled in the chaos.

Just a reminder that the comments are viewed publicly. If you or anyone else decides that they'd like to retract a comment with personal details, I am happy to delete the comment. Just click the "Contact Michael" to the right.

I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. Michael

Re: Mother Looking Back on Doing Her Best to Help Her 5-Year-Old Cope with September 11th.

Michael@Awareness * Connection — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 15:25:02 -0000

I'm grateful to know someone who gives this kind of heart-felt thought to these sorts of conversations with her son...and who manages to capture essence of the process in her writing. Very worthwhile post.

Re: My GTD Article Selected by Whakate as Best Blog Post of July for GTDtimes

Michael@Awareness * Connection — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 12:54:16 -0000

Hey Adrian,

I'm very glad you're enjoying the work. Knowing you and other folks enjoy it / find it useful makes it all worthwhile. I'm grateful for Whakate choosing the GTDtimes piece. I'm due for another over there before long. Thanks. Michael

Re:

Michael@Awareness * Connection — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 00:08:31 -0000

Thank you, Sonia. Glad you came for a visit.

Re: One Year Ago on Awareness * Connection: Helping Your Child with Back to School Anxiety

Michael@Awareness * Connection — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 17:09:59 -0000

I first heard something about that about 15 years ago. Struck me as true then, and has held up well through the years. We are social creatures and when it feels that no one gets us, it is hard to have any sense of balance.

Thanks Bloggingmom.

Re: Transition from Spanking to Parent Coaching

Michael@Awareness * Connection — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 20:59:04 -0000

Shanel, Thanks for sharing both your experiences and your thoughts on this. I'll have bit more to add later. For now everyone check out Shanel's site Easy Steps to Success http://shanelyang.com/ Tons of practical self-development and productivity tips. Very worthwhile.

Re: My GTD Article Selected by Whakate as Best Blog Post of July for GTDtimes

Michael@Awareness * Connection — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 21:54:40 -0000

Will do Vivek. I had just put in the Whatake one so people would see it there. But as a regular reader...as you wish.

Re: One Year Ago on Awareness * Connection: Helping Your Child with Back to School Anxiety

Michael@Awareness * Connection — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 15:59:44 -0000

That's quite the milestone. I'll look forward to seeing your experience of it all on Writer Dad.

Re: Mark Twain on Adolescence

Michael@Awareness * Connection — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 00:17:22 -0000

I am always amazed by the depth of wisdom this guy had about life and relationships. Apparently most of his wisdom was used up in these areas because he ran through loads of money with really bad investments and never seemed to learn from it. Not to deride the man, though. He was truly brilliant. Just curious that someone so wise had that other side to him.

Re: The Preschool Whisperer

Michael@Awareness * Connection — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 14:48:51 -0000

Aren't all preschool boys hyper and compulsive? Just kidding, but there might be some truth there.

There is no replacement for knowing your kid's temperament, his strengths and areas of challenge, as it appears you do.We''ve all got strengths and areas of challenge, and accepting those, and and matching settings and opportunities to those as best we can goes a long way in my estimation. Along with watching closely to see what seems to the two of you into the downward spiral (to reverse your metaphor).

Thanks for your thoughts. FrugalDad,

Re: No Idea Left Behind: 25 Tools for Capturing Ideas Anywhere

Michael@Awareness * Connection — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 00:44:07 -0000

Wow this is thorough. You hit on a LOT of them. The spy watch is less expensive than lots of similar looking regular quartz watches. Funny. I'll stick with my standard olympus voice recorder and with my iphone apps—still deciding which I like for voice.

I also like Levenger pocket briefcases. Weird name for them, but they are very nice leather writing pads. I use one that is for 3 x 5 cards and that has 3 pockets. The more expensive one that I have has a pen along with it.

Did I miss the Fisher Space pen in the list?

Re: Steve Jobs Stopped By...

Michael@Awareness * Connection — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 19:13:29 -0000

Thanks Sid. It certainly feels big in my little corner of the world. 'Preciate you stopping by.

Re: Steve Jobs Stopped By...

Michael@Awareness * Connection — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 14:24:20 -0000

Thank you very much Vivek. I appreciate your encouragement a great deal. I put a lot of stuff "out there", and don't know where a lot of it lands. So your taking the time, both here and on the GTDtimes site, to let me know that you're finding it worthwhile is absolutely helpful for me to "keep it coming".

When you do get started with your blog, please let me know. I'd love to check it out. Your comments on articles in the meantime are valuable contribution to the GTD community. Thanks for sharing this cool moment with me.

Re: iDog, and Up and Out of the Tween

Michael@Awareness * Connection — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 12:41:14 -0000

@Tess Doucet:

A couple more quick thoughts worth mentioning.

I think your suggestion of having Hannah play her favorite tunes for me is a very good idea. I generally think interacting with children around the things they enjoy (especially personal things like music, drawings, art etc) is great for a sense of connection. I do find, as with other instances in your comment that you are making assumptions that aren't the case. I helped Hannah pick out her music on iTunes listening to each song with her to find what she liked.

My post though was about setting a safety related limit in an effective way. I am interested in hearing how you would go about helping a child understand a safety related limit in a way that you wouldn't consider belittling to the child. I get that you might not consider hearing one as I do. But let's say a four year old with hot pans on the stove (boiling water, pan with hot oil for sauteing, etc), or an early teen needing to wear a helmet on their bicycle. What do you suggest?

Re: iDog, and Up and Out of the Tween

Michael@Awareness * Connection — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 10:25:49 -0000

@Tess: Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. My relationship with my daughter is a very strong one. I don't have any worries about her being able to get her thoughts and opinions across to her mother and I, and neither does anyone that knows her firsthand ;0).

In my mind, at 8 years old, having a very nice mp3 player is not a right. It lands squarely in the realm of privilege.The permanent status of her hearing is very serious business, and can very easily be damaged. Her using the iPod is contingent on her willingness to follow our lead on managing the volume limiter, or coming up with some other means of ensuring that her hearing will remain in tact.

You are correct that the options I'm presenting her are multiple choice. Some other options she has are to not have an iPod at this age; or to opt to not hook it up to iDog at all, which, requires boosting the volume to levels that would damage her hearing if she forgot to adjust it. I am very much in favor of sharing control with kids in all sorts of areas. The limit though is anywhere it stands the chance of leaving them with permanent damage. Hearing is delicate.

There are many topics that come up where I go with a much more collaborative approach. It also might be used here as well. Though, for me, the I constraints I described would still apply.

I think your comment also raises the important question of developmental appropriateness. Using Up and Out of the Kid for the iPod discussion is much more appropriate for an 8 year old than it might be for the same discussion with a high schooler.

I suspect one reason that you aren't looking forward to this sort of issue with your son, is that the dance of ensuring their safety while making sure to share appropriate amounts of control for their age becomes much more challenging as they grow.

Re: iDog, and Up and Out of the Tween

Michael@Awareness * Connection — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 17:41:28 -0000

Talking quietly is a very under-rated way to get kids to tune in. And as you likely know yelling does exactly the opposite. They learn to tune you out. Sounds like you had some pretty advanced parents. It sounds like, if you were a kid who would respond just to a look and change in demeanor, like you might have been a kid with what would have been considered an easy temperament profile.

Thanks for sharing that.

Re: 11 Lessons to Learn From Honest Abe, the Bumbling Entrepreneur

Michael@Awareness * Connection — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 02:55:57 -0000

Great post. Nice to hear a new angle on Abe. Our history does tend to get into ruts with little inspiring stories, whether true or not, with Lincoln's being tales of perseverance against all odds.

I love the mention of his hat. Between the top hat and his height that must have been one imposing figure. And it occurs to me now that this was the original GTD hat. Why aren't we seeing the giant top hat hack on our GTD sites?

Re: My Son Teaches Me about Professional Communication

Michael@Awareness * Connection — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 03:32:38 -0000

I enjoy these moments you share about you and your son. Good observation too about the workplace tie in. Seems related also to expertitis, not being able to imagine what it was like before you had mastered x skill or piece of knowledge. Thinking about your audience, I think, is underrated and can help a great deal in life, both in work and in interpersonal relationships. I was just posting today about what it is like for kids to hear the commands and requests we pummel them with all day long. We have to guide them, but considering it from their perspective can make a big difference in how we approach it.

Re: Another Bump in the Technology Road for Yours Truly

Michael@Awareness * Connection — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 03:42:35 -0000

For you Disqus readers, check out my article on getting started with Disqus. If any of you could head over to my site to post a comment and see if it works when someone else other than me posts a comment, I would be grateful. Same request for my regular Awareness * Connection readers.

Thank you.

Re: Who's in Charge Around Here? You or the Clutter?

Michael@Awareness * Connection — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 02:37:51 -0000

I just added this Disqus template and wanted to check out where these comments show up. I don't think I have the thing working right yet, but only one way to tell.