Disqus - Latest Comments for Colleen_C

Re: Interracial or Intercultural Relationship?

Americanepali — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 11:24:38 -0000

I’ve never really thought of P and I as interracial, and I am not sure why that is. I certainly feel intercultural, particularly when we debate about eating salad versus daal-bhat for dinner, I’m struggling with Nepali language, or having fun in a salwaar-kameez for a festival celebration. I’m sure some of my family probably thinks of us as interracial rather than intercultural- simply because most of my family wouldn’t think of the term intercultural to begin with, but I definitely feel that the emphasis for them is on the difference between cultures- I never hear discussions in terms of race.

I wonder if this is because P’s ethnicity seems so ambiguous to a general audience… In the summer he is definitely much darker and looks more “ethnic” in skin-tone then myself (who- as someone of Irish ancestry, turn a lovely shade of lobster red, instead of a honey tan), but often times when we travel he is mistaken more as Japanese, Korean or Chinese rather than Indian or even Latin American (like some Nepalis tend to be classified).

Although I hate to say it, I wonder if the reason my family doesn’t think of us as different races is because of his lighter completion (P would consider himself “wheat colored,” whatever that means). I am sure if he were much darker I would hear my grandmother talk about this a lot, and perhaps the relationship would seem more shocking. I don’t know.

But in the end, I think of us as an intercultural couple. For P I think it’s even simpler- just a couple- why even classify?

Re: Broken Traditions? Intercultural Marriage and Cultural Continuity

Americanepali — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 16:37:25 -0000

Mocroidh, I think we've said this before... but I completely hear you about your mom and her feelings about not being "fully American." It is so frustrating, and there doesn't seem to be a lot I can tell my own mother to make her change her mind, or see having a multi-cultural background as being a positive. I'd love to continue to hear how your conversations with her progress.

Re: Broken Traditions? Intercultural Marriage and Cultural Continuity

Americanepali — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 11:51:59 -0000

Someday, if and when P and I have children, I am sure that it will be a challenge in many ways. I would love for my children to have as much interest and curiosity about my and P's cultures as we have had, but I know that this isn't always the case. I guess all one can do as a parent is give as much love and guidance as one can, and hope the child makes the best decisions for themselves.

We have close Nepali friends who are concerned about raising their future kids in America because they worry they won't have enough (Nepali) "culture" in their lives, and have started discussions about potentially moving back home when the time comes to start a family. Meanwhile I remember having a conversation with one of my international students from Cyprus who felt that if she had children in the US she wouldn't want to raise them with any Cypriot cultural traditions (even though she loves her own traditions) because she firmly believes it will "mess them up" trying to negotiate their identity between the culture they live in and the culture at home (she cited children of Turkish descent growing up in Germany as an example of having "major issues").

Likewise, I am sad to see Nepali international student parents with young kids give up when their children decide to abandon their mother tongue and only use English because that is what they use in school. The parents will acquiesce and speak in English as well, and eventually the young kids can't speak or understand Nepali- and when their grandparents call from Kathmandu, the little kids can no longer talk to them on the phone.

I definitely feel like there is a middle ground where the "other" (culture you don't live in) culture isn't rammed down a kids throat to the point where they can't interact with their own country-peers, and where the culture isn't completely abandoned... and I hope to nestle ourselves somewhere within that middle ground someday.

Re: Broken Traditions? Intercultural Marriage and Cultural Continuity

Americanepali — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 11:37:40 -0000

Gori, another fantastic post!

I feel that P and I both have a heightened since of our identity, culture and traditions because of the ever-present knowledge of the differences between our upbringings. I feel like I can embrace my traditions and his traditions more wholeheartedly because we have thought about how we want to incorporate them into our lives... in a much more overt and active way then simply following a tradition for traditions sake (something I've seen in my own mono-cultural home).

And I love the idea of creative destruction/construction, its a fitting description of the compromise and creation of establishing these traditions...

Re: Wait… I Thought This Was MY House!

Americanepali — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 14:05:45 -0000

I’m reading up on some older posts… I missed this one before, but it is a great one.

Last summer Prajjwal’s family (mother, father, aunt, brother, and sometimes his cousin) stayed with us for 5 weeks (in our very small two bedroom apartment). It was fun but exhausting. On the weekends we drove all around the northeast giving them the “grand tour” (because we weren’t sure when they would come back, and wanted them to get the most out of their experience- plus I really wanted them to learn more about America) and during the weekdays they would wake up well before dawn to start cooking and chatting before we went to work, and when Prajjwal and I got home at night we would sit and entertain until late in the evening (they were well rested since they usually stayed home and napped during the day).

Even though I had a good time, and was really getting a chance to bond, I was so exhausted that one day a friend called and I literally started sobbing on the phone. Now I am starting to gear up for a month long trip to Nepal this summer, and although I am excited about traveling and seeing new places, it recently dawned on me that I won’t be visiting Nepal as a regular visitor where I can decide when and where to do things, but as their future daughter-in-law who has to, more or less, follow what the family is deciding. I’ve stayed with homestay families before but this definitely has a different feel.

I’ve had a long time to get used to the idea of living with the in-laws in a more long term capacity some day, and their extended visit last summer help to calm me a bit, but it is still challenging. I used to be a very independent and private person, who really struggled to listen to rules set down by my own parents, but over the years I’ve mellowed out a bit. As I’ve become more integrated into the different Nepali communities we have lived near, I have grown used to having various houseguests and visitors on a daily basis and I had to learn to “let go” when I couldn’t have control over a situation.

However it can be a challenge for close friends or Prajjwal to understand how “different” this lifestyle can be for me sometimes, that I am really flexible and that it isn’t the way I grew up (often when American co-workers hear about how many visitors we get and for how long, they are truly surprised). Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy company 90% of the time, but every now and then I just need “space.” I was actually having a conversation with a friend yesterday, who is nearly like a brother to us, and who has been staying with us for three weeks now. Due to a lot going on at work and feeling tired, I’ve tried to express that I didn’t want “extra” visitors when we have our friend staying with us, so yesterday he asked me, “Colleen, why are you being so antisocial these days? Don’t you like these other people?” when I said, “yes, I’m just tired, and sometimes I need quiet time.” He said, “I don’t understand, I always need to be with other people. My idea of quiet time is sitting in the same room with other people and everyone is doing their own thing and not talking.”

But there is a real difference between having a friend stay for a long time, or even your future brother-in-law (who has stayed with us off and on, for the better part of a year) then your partner’s parents. Added to this I have my mother (who I have mentioned on this blog before) who gets genuinely angry if she thinks I am “bending” too much to Nepali culture, and doesn’t understand why I would show so much “respect” to Prajjwal’s parents (where there is a more formal relationship), and not to her (where there isn’t so much of a lack of respect as a more informal relationship).

Anyway, it worries me about how I will be able to handle not entirely having my own “space” when the in-laws come to stay for extended periods of time, or permanently. I know that Prajjwal’s family is much more liberal than a lot of family’s that I’ve heard about, but I don’t always know what the expectation will be. It is very reassuring to hear the positive stories, and good to hear “survival tactics” from the not-so-good stories. I’d love to hear more from the people who are currently living or have lived with their in-laws.

Thanks for sharing your stories!

Re: Intercultural Marriage Fluff

Americanepali — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 18:12:54 -0000

That is interesting... Luckily Prajjwal's mom is a vegetarian (she is one up on me because I eat eggs and she doesn't) and when she came to visit she wouldn't eat anything unless I was eating it too, because she could trust my food choices (it was a good bonding experience).

However when Prajjwal was originally hinting that he might have an American girlfriend his mother was the one who was most "upset" she basically said, "All Americans eat beef and drink Coca-Cola, so Nepali and American culture is not compatible." Boy was she pleasantly surprised to find out there are vegetarians here!

My boss recently joked that he found it hard to believe that Prajjwal and I don't have clashes when it comes to food. Prajjwal, although he doesn't eat beef, loves his meat. I think he might die without chicken, and goat is one of his favorites, but he has also tried crocodile, camel, ostrich, kudu, gemsbok, springbok, caribou, moose and antelope (my dad is a hunter, thus the caribou and antelope). On a daily basis we eat largely vegetarian, but Prajjwal sneaks in a few chicken meals every now and then, and when we have guests he usually makes a meat dish.

Lucky for me though, that I fell in love with someone whose national cuisine had so many delicious vegetarian options! I can only imagine if I fell for a Kenyan (national dish- roasted goat meat), or someone from Southeast Asia where fish is big. :)

Re: Intercultural Marriage Fluff

Americanepali — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 17:10:25 -0000

I couldn't resist, I hope you guys don't mind:

What are your middle names?
Frances. It was three of my great-grandparents names (Francis Frances and Frances). Prajjwal’s middle name is Kumar, it’s the same as his brother, his father and his grandfather. Also- everyone in Prajjwal’s family (including his mom) has a first name that has something to do with “light.” There is actually a funny story from when my mother first met Prajjwal. She asked what his name would be “in English.” She was looking for “what is the English equivalent” like Peter or Paul, but Prajjwal answered, “light, or bright” which thoroughly confused her.

How long have you been together?
Nearly six years. Time flies baby.

How long did you know each other before you started dating?
About 2 months. He transferred from another university and I bumped into him in the International House a few hours after he arrived. By October we were “together” so to speak.

Who asked whom out?
I don’t think there was ever an official “ask,” it just sort of happened. At first we would use the “study” excuse to hang out together (man, we got a lot of work done in those days, if only to sit across the table from each other in the lounge), and eventually we just did everything together.

How old are each of you?
Mid to late 20s depending on which one of us you are asking.

Whose siblings do you see the most?
It’s a toss up. Prajjwal’s brother lived with us for 6 months when he graduated from undergrad and was looking for a job, and he has also spent a few summers with us as well. My sister is in college close by and drops in quite frequently. My other sister lives farther away, so we only usually see her on holidays. That doesn’t include, of course, our quite large extended Nepali (and other nationalities) “family.” It isn’t unusual for us to have at least one house guest 3 out of 7 nights a week!

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
I’ll interpret this question as… what is my largest frustration… not speaking good Nepali. I am constantly surrounded by Nepali speakers, and often only have a glimmer of understanding about the details of their conversation. It would be nice not to have to ask for clarifications all the time. After 6 years, its actually quite shameful that I haven’t done better… but there is always something to distract you from studying it. I’d also like to understand Hindi better so I could appreciate Bollywood music and movies without subtitles. Although- we are planning to go to Nepal for a month this summer… so Nepali language school, here I come!

Did you go to the same school?
Yes… that’s where we met…

Are you from the same home town?
self-explainatory.

Who is smarter?
We are definitely on different ends of the spectrums… since Prajjwal is working on a Phd he far exceeds me in math, computers, modeling and mapping, etc. However I’ve probably out-read him in books 75 to 1, my creative writing skills are far better, and I edit his important paperwork (and his siblings and family members, when need be).

Who is the most sensitive?
Prajjwal is Mr. Consistent, he never gets super over excited and crazy, but he never gets angry and overly frustrated. You can always rely on him to be dependable and even tempered. Me, on the other hand, has a much quicker fuse, and can get excited or frustrated, depending on the circumstance. I always tell him that it isn’t fair. When we have kids some day he is going to be “Mr. Cool-Dad” and I’m probably going to be delegated the “Rules Lady.” I’m already seeing signs with our new dog…

Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Prajjwal and I can be creatures of habit, so we usually frequent the same places (and eat the same things!)- the Vietnamese restaurant with delicious summer rolls and soup, the “spicy Chinese restaurant” in the next town over, or the Mexican burrito place. Before we moved, there was a Laotian place we used to go to so much they knew my “usual” special order by heart. Occasionally we will go Indian, but not so much. If we are having a get together within the Nepali community then the specialty is “momos”- delicious delicious (did I mention delicious?) Nepali dumplings with spicy sauce.

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
Nairobi, Kenya. I was studying there, and Prajjwal was able to “get” a research grant to study Nairobi River pollution at the same time that I was there. How convenient! I like to say, “why can’t Nepali people speak Swahili? It would make my life so much easier!”

Who has the craziest exes?
Ha ha ha… well… even though they aren’t technically “exes” I think Prajjwal wins this one. He was quite the hot commodity in high school, and I’ve heard a lot of stories about the lengths that some people would go to “woo” him. Nothing I have can even compare.

Who has the worst temper?
Me, although when your alternative is Mr. Nice Guy, I’d like to think that I’m not so far down the angry scale.

Who does the cooking?
I think that it is relatively even. Prajjwal would probably say he cooks more, but I do a lot of cooking when people are over. He does all the meat (I’ve been a vegetarian for more than a decade) but I can do western or Asian or African vegetarian faire.

Who is the neat-freak?
I used to be a huge neat-freak, but I’ve mellowed out over the years. Now we are pretty much even. Organized, and put together, but not spotless.

Who is more stubborn?
Probably me, again, by default.

Who hogs the bed?
Neither. I guess we both sleep relatively calmly… in fact I prefer to sleep in a smaller bed so that we can cuddle closer when we sleep, otherwise we sleep either on other ends of the bed, or we crowd to the edge or corner together.

Who wakes up earlier?
I wake up earlier. Prajjwal is a night owl. He studies until 2 in the morning or later each night, while I get up around 7am (or 5am before I switched to a new job), so guess who gets to walk the dog? Over the summer we took a road trip with two friends (Nepalis- of course ;)) and I was the morning person while our friend was the evening person. I’d rouse everyone and get them in the car by 7:30 or 8am, and our friend would make sure we got to our appointed destination even if it was 2 o’clock in the morning.

Where was your first date?
There was no real first date. It just was.

Who is more jealous?
Probably me, but not really. I don’t really have much to be jealous about, after knowing Prajjwal for so long, I really don’t feel threatened by much. I remember the first time I met a Nepali girl… at first I only knew a bunch of guys, but then I met this girl, and I was jealous because she could connect with him in his own language, in a totally different and seemingly more intimate way then I could. I have to admit that made me jealous… but since she called him “Prajjwal-dai” (Prajjwal big brother) I knew there wasn’t really anything to be worried about.

How long did it take to get serious?
A few months. Prajjwal said he wouldn’t have said he was “dating” me unless he was serious, but it took him a year and a half to tell his parents. When they knew, then I knew, he was in it for the long haul.

Who eats more?
Prajjwal, for sure. It amazes me how much Nepali people can eat. Even his mom… she is this tiny lady and she eats piles and piles of rice! Although American food/ingredients have taken its toll on Prajjwal, he used to be this really really skinny guy and now he is normal sized.

Who does the laundry?
Prajjwal 80% of the time, because the laundry is in the super-creepy basement of the apartment we live in. If there is a lot of laundry or if I want to do it, I will take it to a laundry mat nearby. I think I do most of the folding though.

Who’s better with the computer?
Prajjwal. Although I am getting more confidence now that I have been deemed the “tech girl” in my office.

Who drives when you are together?
We both love to drive, so it is usually a fight to the driver’s seat. I feel like I drive more often but I probably just feel that way because I drive to work and he walks and I drive more places (conferences, relatives, etc). When we are in the car together it is probably 50/50.

Re: Cross-Cultural Connections in your Community

Americanepali — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 20:41:03 -0000

Gosh, your mother sounds very much like mine. I could see her having this exact same conversation some day. On the outside she is very open and relaxed about meeting new people and interacting with them, but if you get her talking long enough you eventually notice that she doesn't "get" it.

The biggest problem she has is getting freaked out over my perceived "non-American-ness"... she is very good at pointing out everything that I do or am interested in that is not "normal" (in her eyes)- that I want to learn Nepali, that I dress in sari and attend Dashain (Diwali) parties, that I enjoy making and eating taakari (curry)- however she is equally bad at noticing the "American" things that we do- having a barbecue on a summer day, watching a blockbuster at the movie theater, inviting friends over for a pre-Thanksgiving dinner, or teaching international neighbors how to make family cookie recipes.

My theory is that she has a hard time recognizing what "American" is (as I am sure we all would if we weren't put in situations where we are confronting our cultural differences on a daily basis), and as she sees her everyday cultural activities as normal, she forgets to give "credit" to the fact that, yes, eating pizza on a Saturday night can be considered "American" (my future Nepali in-laws definitely thought so when I insisted they try some on a visit to the US!)

A bit sadly, since we are living in an American society, we probably do far more American things on a daily basis by default, without even thinking about it. I tried to explain to her once that we specifically try to go out of our way to celebrate Nepali festivals, because if we were not careful, this important aspect of Prajjwal's culture could easily pass unnoticed in the States. One can't forget Valentine's Day in the US due to the commercialization of our cultural traditions, but it is easy to forget Nepali New Year or Bhai Tika if you don't keep in touch with other Nepalis, or don't have a Nepali calendar sitting around.

I'm honestly terrified of the "kid" conversation that is bound to happen in the future. I can see Prajjwal's family coming to live with us, and the kids learning to speak Nepali. Will they learn English as well? Of course, but I can hear her having a fit now... and see her filling their heads with talk of, "if you were born in America, then you are American... it saddens me to see your mother only teaches you about Nepali culture and forces you to eat weird foods." (as they listen to her and eat pasta that I prepared for for dinner).

Prajjwal advises me that I worry too much, and that I should just let it go, but it is so ideologically frustrating. I can already see issues arise as we start conversations about our future wedding ceremony... I don't want to be antagonistic about it, but I don't see where it ends... thank goodness Prajjwal's family is a bit more understanding!

Re: Forum

Americanepali — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 20:39:12 -0000

Oops! I'll move my comment back to the other page then...

Re: Forum

Americanepali — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 20:38:50 -0000

Re: Forum

Americanepali — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 19:40:20 -0000

(Originally posted by Mocroidh under the "Cross-Cultural Connections in your Community" Blog posting)

Funny you bring that up, Colleen...I was visiting my parents this weekend, and had a conversation on this very topic with my mother. I'm not exactly sure how the conversation started, but basically she had similar concerns. Namely, she was worried that I've adopted a lot of the Indian culture, and that our children (non-existent as yet!) were not going to be "American enough" as they grow up, partly due to the fact that she worries they will be unduly influenced by my husband's parents, who live with us. Ricky's mom has never really adopted many of the external hallmarks of American culture (dress, cuisine, entertainment, etc.) and so she worries that our children will be forced somehow to conform to a more Indian way of life. I tried to reassure her on a number of levels - that Ricky and I and not Ricky's parents are going to be the primary caregivers, that while his mom doesn't seem very "Americanized" outwardly, her attitudes and ways of thinking are very Westernized, and that while we have every intention of raising our children with the knowledge of their Indian heritage, they will also be raised with the knowledge of their American heritage as well. But it was a frustrating conversation on the whole, because while she's making a really good effort, I just don't think my mom is as comfortable with cross-cultural connections as I am. As you put it, I'm not exactly getting "gushing acceptance and cultural sensitivity" from her. Maybe this is a generational thing, I don't know. I'd definitely be interested in a forum on this topic, because I don't think it's an issue that's been discussed very much on this or other intercultural relationship sites I've come across.

Anyone else have similar experiences, or thoughts on this issue?

Re: Cross-Cultural Connections in your Community

Americanepali — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 19:38:30 -0000

I'll move the discussion to the forum section, and see if we can spark a thread...

Re: Forum

Americanepali — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 19:36:54 -0000

Since there might be others interested in talking about cultural misunderstandings between their household and their western (American or otherwise) family, I figured I would help Gori Girl experiment with her new forum. Here is my original comment post from the blog:
___
It’s interesting that you bring this topic up. I definitely didn’t grow up in a multicultural setting… but over the years I have been drawn to an international sub-culture, and now I am so used to being with people from other countries that I often feel a bit out of place with Americans! I’ll find that I might not know what to talk about, or have easy ways to relate. I don’t really feel like an outsider in my own culture, but I definitely feel more comfortable with people from other places.

Not only has this translated into my own personal relationship (my partner is from Nepal), and my friendships with others (who are often either Nepali or from another foreign country), but also in my work life. I started working as a program coordinator in study abroad, and after two different jobs with two different American directors, I’ve finally found a place where I feel very comfortable and natural, as an international student advisor at a university with a director from Denmark.

Even though I feel comfortable in my lifestyle and choices, and the people that I choose to spend time with, it baffles my mother to no end, who perpetually tells me that I am not “American” enough for her standards. Sometimes she wonders if I came from Mars since I have all of these “unusual” interests and tastes in people, clothing and food that she has never thought to try before. On the contrary, I find that I can identify more with my American-ness in international circles then I can in domestic ones. When in a group of people from other places, my cultural up-bringing is unique, and I am happy to share Thanksgiving and Christmas customs with friends who wouldn’t normally have the opportunity to learn about them. If I hung out with Americans all the time, I don’t think I would bother keeping up some of these traditions.

I know that there have been conversations about not having “acceptance” of relationships from the non-western side of the relationship (i.e. the Desi parents are upset about a potential white daughter in-law) but not as many discussions about American parents who just don’t “get” your interest in someone from a different culture. Not necessarily hostile, but not exactly gushing acceptance and cultural sensitivity either. Perhaps that would be an interesting “forum” to start?